I should think of myself more

Sounds a bit OTT to me! I love all my children and GC but they do not occupy my mind every minute of the day. They have their lives to lead.

That's what I myself think but how to stop.

Maybe they have needs that other families haven’t? If they have health probs, mental health probs or any other kind then it would explain why you are thinking of them all the time.
If not, maybe just a habit you’ve got into?
Little by little try and occupy your thoughts differently.

How do you think you can achieve a different mindset?

You are obviously kind and thoughtful so could you think of yourself that way, for example?

I love my family and enjoy being involved in their lives, but try not to be intrusive. I let them take the lead, which they do.
They know where DH are and that we are always willing to help if necessary.
I certainly don't think of them all the time and wonder what they are doing. Seems a bit excessive to me.

You're obviously a very caring person, but we have to try to keep a sense of proportion. It's wonderful to love them so much but try taking a step back and concentrate more on yourself and your
DH . I don't think our children and grandchildren want us to obsess over them, it isn't healthy really. Maybe get involved in something you are particularly interested in and spend more time doing that. You do sound a lovely person with much to give time to a charity or something.

Concentrate on your life with your DH - I live alone , have a big family, living within a 5 to 6 mile radius. I see them probably once a fortnight, sometimes less - they are all busy with their own lives and I let them do the ‘inviting’ so to speak.

I think you’ve got to find a happy medium. I’m the same in having 2AC and 2DGSs, but I rarely pop in (it’s a 50 mile round trip) and thinking about it, my method is mostly, to let them make the suggestions. Both sets of parents work, one DGS is at school and the other at Nursery, so their free time is precious. I see them once or twice a week, but I’ve my own life and they theirs, but we know we’d drop everything at a moment’s notice if needed.

I know what you mean Skydancer. I am fine when my family is ticking along relatively ok. I have always given my dd quite a lot of support as her dh has mental health issues and she is the only financial supporter of her family. She is quite a strong person but does appreciate a supportive listening ear and in general I have been able to give that without it impacting on my own happy retirement with dh.

We have enjoyed a great balance of family time and time for ourselves ...Until this last year when my dgs, now aged 18 has suffered some real mental health problems and I have discovered what others have discovered before me. That I am only as happy as the unhappiest person in my family. Like you Skydancer, I now spend much of my time thinking about the family. What can I do/say to help. It has actually stopped me going on holiday this past year...except with the family. I have always been involved but I am really surprised about how these problems, which I can't do much about impact my own well being, sleep patterns, desire to see friends ext.

Like some other posters I realize that life is short and while being in support I should be getting on with my own life with dh while we are both here and relatively fit. I would never have imagined myself thinking, like Skydancer, from morning until night about the family. Your post has given me food for thought Skydancer and I know I am going to have to make a conscious effort to be a bit more proactive in getting my own life and interests back on track.

I only have one daughter. There has been times when I feel that I am getting a bit too involved with her life. Luckily, she does not live nearby so I cannot just pop over to see her.

I am not a therapist but I once read an article which says that if you experienced a childhood trauma say death of a parent, an absent or a neglectful parent, you can suffer from abandonment issues as an adult.

Thank you everyone for kind and thoughtful replies, SporeRB I think you have hit the nail on the head. My parents were quite emotionally distant and consequently I was very close to one grandmother. When I was in my 20s she unexpectedly died and my world fell apart. I have never been the same since and have suffered from depression on and off all my life. I think this has made me focus so much on my family because, in the back of my mind, is the fear that I could suddenly lose someone else.

Could you try a course of Cignitive Behaviour Therapy.

I do think that nowadays when death is not part of everyday life, we get unrealistic about losing people. We should expect our parents - and grandparents to predecease us and while we will grieve around their loss there should also be threaded through that grief the knowledge that what has happened is inevitable.

For those who are younger than us when they die, it is more diffiuclt. When my sister died in a road accident, I was knocked sideways, and over 30 years later, I can still be bought to tears or close to them on occasion when taken unexpectedly by something that reminds meof her, but in life, with the first anniversary of her death came the realisation that life goes on and I needed to pick up the threads of my life and make her dearh just one more thread.

from the title it sounds as if you live alone.
don't you care about your husband.
maybe you should think of him more.

I think it’s good that’s you’ve recognised you have a problem ….and you do, it’s verging on an obsession and not going to be good for them or you and definitely not your husband
Of course we all (well most of us) think a lot about our families especially if we live alone but it really sounds as if you have become totally fixated on this and need to think much more about your husband and your friends and yourself to balance this all out
Do get some help if you can to work on your own life not only for the balance in yours and your husbands lives but also to help your children it’s very important that we do separate our lives from our children’s lives once they are grown

Skydancer

That's what I myself think but how to stop.

For starters, try and get yourself in some regular activities which are yours and no one else’s so your mind is distracted from constant thoughts of family.

Secondly, gradually make yourself less available to help with family stuff and in particular don’t be too ready to change your plans to accommodate those of someone in the family.

I did both these things and although it was hard and I did feel quite selfish for a while it has all turned out fine.

welbeck

from the title it sounds as if you live alone.
don't you care about your husband.
maybe you should think of him more.

I'm sure OP does care about her husband 🙄
As previous PPs said its all about balance and CBT can be very helpful

Skydancer. I’m very much like you.My adult children and three grandchildren are always in my thoughts.As is everyone else that I care about too, and it’s exhausting ! If I know everyone is okay I can get on and do other things quite easily but if there’s a problem which there usually is,it can become very intense.
I’m going through a lot of stress at the moment, so everything becomes worse, but at least I’ve have learned to recognize that. I think I have ocd tendencies and really should get help but it seems a daunting task at 66 .

LOUISA1523

welbeck

from the title it sounds as if you live alone.
don't you care about your husband.
maybe you should think of him more.

I'm sure OP does care about her husband 🙄
As previous PPs said its all about balance and CBT can be very helpful

well it doesn't sound like it.
he's just mentioned in passing along with friends and other activities.
the whole thing is cock-eyed.
you cannot re-live happy childhood with granny by trying to be the perfect all-encompassing granny, and thus making AC/GC into supporting actors for this role play.
it is not healthy. it won't work.
you have chosen your husband.
you made a commitment to him, and he to you, that you would be each other's number one support.
that is your adult reality.
you need to embrace it.
none of us can live in the past.

I am like you CrazyH well similar!

Perhaps you can try some CBT or meditation? Both are tried and tested for me. So easy to not pay attention to yourself these days.

Grannytomany

Skydancer

That's what I myself think but how to stop.

For starters, try and get yourself in some regular activities which are yours and no one else’s so your mind is distracted from constant thoughts of family.

Secondly, gradually make yourself less available to help with family stuff and in particular don’t be too ready to change your plans to accommodate those of someone in the family.

I did both these things and although it was hard and I did feel quite selfish for a while it has all turned out fine.

Totally agree with making yourself less available. DH and I would change plans to accommodate requests and realised we were missing out on our activities sometimes.
Still help out but on our terms. There are certainly no ill feelings on our DD’s sides and they make another plan.
It’s hard to begin with and you feel selfish but you can’t live your life according to their schedules

Oh crikey no. I love my 4 children and husband dearly also grandchildren but no I do not think of them to the same degree as you do. I have lots of hobbies take myself out and about see friends and keep myself busy. It does sound very ott to me. I get regular texts from them all all lead busy lives also grandchildren here there and everywhere . They all know where I am if needed as long as my family are happy and well I’m happy.

What is the abbreviation AC, please?

Adult Children