Childcare

I said "no" in your position (about 8 years ago) and although my son and daughter-in-law couldn't understand why I said no (and were a bit surprised and disgruntled) they quickly got over it and sorted it out without me.

I still help out in an emergency of course and occasionally at weekends.

But no feelings of regret!

Don't feel bad.

Thank you for the extra information Blondiecot. As you say, if not for you how could they get childcare with the shifts they work. Something we don't think about for anyone working those hours with children to take care of.

You are going to be losing out on considerably more than a childminder for the day would cost so if you really feel guilty (and there is no reason why you should) you could offer to split the difference or contribute to the 4-5 hours childminding. Of course you would like to spend time with your GC and I imagine you, and others in the family would drop everything in an emergency, but giving up 20% of your income is a big ask and an even bigger assumption on her part.

You are 52, so won't be eligible for a state pension for at least 15 years!
Of course you are not being unreasonable in saying "no" to dropping 20% of your income - and that's before you take into account all the extra costs that looking after the dgc would incur once you factor in things like food, activities and any travel involved.

Unless she accepts your refusal with good grace, your DD is the one being unreasonable.

No you are not being unreasonable. It has to be your choice. I have looked after my grandsons for years but I have done it with the full support and help of my DH and we are both retired. It is exhausting but very rewarding. But it is a big commitment and I wouldn't have considered it if it had meant reducing my income by giving up work.
Why not offer to be the emergency carer if/when the main childcare arrangements break down (which they will) if this will fit into your work schedule.

I'm retired, yet I always decline any requests for regular childminding. I'll have them for a few days in the holidays, babysit to allow an occasional night out - always help in an emergency, of course.

I know, though, that I'd soon resent doing childcare on a regular basis - that's what childminders are for!

Nothing unreasonable about saying no. Sounds like she needs to line up a weekly sitter. She should not have assumed.

No you are not unreasonable at all, and you have your own job and life to lead

I would add to that though:

Families are under increasing pressure now with both parents needing to work to make ends meet, so try not to think badly of her for asking. It can be very stressful for parents now

Smileless2012

Good point Grandmabatty. When people decide to have children it's up to them to organise and arrange child care when they go back to work.

Your D's being unreasonable.

Why don't you have any choice Blondiescot? What your AC do if heaven forbid you became ill and were unable to provide child care?

Because both my son and his partner work in a profession which not only involves shift work (including night shifts) but because of the nature of their jobs, they can't always guarantee to be finished on time. Our GS often has to stay overnight with us because of that. What alternative childcare could be flexible enough to cope with that? And if I was ill, my husband would be there anyway.

It’s so lovely to hear all your views and it’s made me feel so much better already! I was starting to feel like a bad person. I’m also a bit cross that her OH hasn’t taken any of the responsibility on his shoulders!

You’re not being unreasonable at all. The child is theirs to look after or arrange care for.

As for normal, there isn’t really a normal here. Everyone’s situations and families are different.

Just say you're sorry but you can't at the moment.

Maybe in 10 years or so

No you are not. You have bills to pay like anyone else.

Good point Grandmabatty. When people decide to have children it's up to them to organise and arrange child care when they go back to work.

Your D's being unreasonable.

Why don't you have any choice Blondiescot? What your AC do if heaven forbid you became ill and were unable to provide child care?

No you are not being unreasonable. Don't do it unless you want to reduce your work hours. It is much easier not to get into these arrangements than to try and change them later

No, she is the one being unreasonable. You must say no. There's no reason why her work must take priority over your work, is there?

This is a conversation that should have happened before she went back to work. She's being very unfair. I happily look after my two grandsons but I am retired and the plan was worked out before my dd returned to work.

Theexwife

I would say no, if you agree you will soon resent it and things could get awkward.

It does seem that grandparents are almost expected to provide childcare these days, adult children seem too reliant on their parents.

Unfortunately, some of us have found ourselves in a situation where we have no option but to provide childcare. I love my GS to bits, but I'm not going to lie - there are times when I do feel a bit trapped by the situation. So that's why I have no hesitation in saying to the OP that while you do have a choice, exercise that choice and say no.

I would say no, if you agree you will soon resent it and things could get awkward.

It does seem that grandparents are almost expected to provide childcare these days, adult children seem too reliant on their parents.

Not unreasonable at all. Just tell her straight.

No money involved! I’m also on a rota for other days with her dads side of the family who are local to her and all shift workers so have baby on their off days whereas I have to take annual leave 🥹

My mum reduced her working hours for me to look after my son.
I compensated her for the loss of earnings, good arrangement for both of us.

No, you are certainly not being unreasonable in the slightest. It's a very big ask indeed and I'm sure she knows that. You have no need to feel guilty about saying no.

Not unreasonable to say 'No' at all. Is she offering to pay you for loss of earnings if you cut down by a day? Seems she's asking a lot.

Yanbu