Feeling left out

I was just thinking if there had been any problems with my DIL's pregnancies I wouldn't really have wanted to know. If she asked me for advice I would give it, but I'd rather not have to worry all the time, especially since there would be absolutely nothing I could do about it.

I feel the same way glorianny

I also had a baby quite late and I refused the test for down syndrome etc because I knew I would continue the pregnancy and didn't see the point of adding stress or worry during pregnancy

Some of my family really didn't understand that and it was frankly, not their business or concern

Well…… I imagine the OP is feeling ground down and trampled underfoot after reading all this, her character ripped to shreds. Being a mother-in-law is a dangerous role to fill these days.

Delila

Well…… I imagine the OP is feeling ground down and trampled underfoot after reading all this, her character ripped to shreds. Being a mother-in-law is a dangerous role to fill these days.

The MILs I know who have good relationships with their CIL have things in common: a healthy relationship with their AC prior to the CIL and after, respect for them as people, married couple and parents (if applicable).

The ones I know irl who have issues also struggled with their reduced parenting roles as their children became adults. They still push to be an authority figure, have a primary role, to be a priority. Others have had long term fantasies of what it would be like to be a MIL or grandparent, and when those aren’t reality, struggle to manage their hurt.

It’s not the title that indicates issues. It’s the individuals involved and the relationship that develops. And a big part of it is mismatched expectations.

It is Delila, not surprised she hasn't been back.

Smileless2012

People wanting to feel their belly; public property!!! Hardly the same thing is it MercuryQueen.

I can see you don't understand/agree with my point of view so it's pointless going around in ever decreasing circles.

I'm not worried VS.

It’s a valid question, though. In your opinion, does MIL have the right to put her hand on DIL’s belly whenever she wants, since her son’s child is in there? Does DIL have the right to say no to another person’s hand on her body?

Of course she has the right to say no to her m.i.l. or anyone else. It's a silly question.

It’s not the title that indicates issues. It’s the individuals involved and the relationship that develops. And a big part of it is mismatched expectations.

Yes that is true. But it is not always the MIL who is responsible for the problems that develop. Relationships are a two way street and if one member does not wish to engage then the relationship is doomed whatever anyone else does. And that inevitably impacts on the wider circle of people involved including ACs.

Smileless2012

Of course she has the right to say no to her m.i.l. or anyone else. It's a silly question.

She has the right to bodily autonomy, despite her husband’s baby being in there, but she doesn’t have a right to bodily privacy, because her husband’s baby is in there?

I think the "rabid feminists" and "talking crap" comment made by OP on the first page didn't help
Idk why boundaries is rabid

Madgran77

*It’s not the title that indicates issues. It’s the individuals involved and the relationship that develops. And a big part of it is mismatched expectations.*

Yes that is true. But it is not always the MIL who is responsible for the problems that develop. Relationships are a two way street and if one member does not wish to engage then the relationship is doomed whatever anyone else does. And that inevitably impacts on the wider circle of people involved including ACs.

Absolutely, the issues can come from either side, or both, but I was focused on what the MIL has control over, her choices and behaviour.

I disagree about the two way street, honestly. It really only takes one to land things in the ditch.

The OP was referring to the comments made by some, which are quite frankly offensive. Just because you are a mil doesn’t mean we should all disappear to keep dil happy. Everything meticulously scrutinised to see if you are overstepping any borders, how ridiculous.
Don’t blame the OP for not returning, to be a mil is indeed a sin to some.

I've made my opinion quite clear Mama.

Allsorts repeating that won't make it true

And there was absolutely no justification for that comment at all

People have different posting styles yes but we are all different and all entitled to answer a question with honesty without personal insults

Smileless2012

I've made my opinion quite clear Mama.

I’m actually not clear about your opinion, because I can’t understand how you can have opposite opinions on the the basic rights of bodily autonomy and medical privacy. I fail to see the difference, if the argument is based on DS’s baby being in there.

VioletSky

I think the "rabid feminists" and "talking crap" comment made by OP on the first page didn't help
Idk why boundaries is rabid

Yea that, and also very rude responses to people who didn't sympathize totally.

It sounds like:

1. An issue with the pregnancy was discovered.
2. Son shared it with his mother.
3. Son then discovered his wife didn't want him to share it with anyone.
4. Son panicked, and asked his mother not to drop him in it with his wife.

None of the above seems unnatural to me, or angst-worthy.

Many of you seem to have missed the fact that OP briefly mentioned 10 years of being excluded by this DIL. I should think the scan incident felt like the final straw and she came to Gransnet to offload and hoping for some empathy. Instead of which she has been told it's all her own fault! It should be noted that she appears to have a good relationship with her other DIL so presumably they don't feel OP is an unreasonable person. Why is it so hard for you to consider that the pregnant DIL is the difficult one not the OP?

eddiecat78 we don't know anything about the daughter-in-law... but we do know something of the OP who has used some very inflammatory language.

NotSpaghetti

eddiecat78 we don't know anything about the daughter-in-law... but we do know something of the OP who has used some very inflammatory language.

If I'd had 10 years of being excluded and had just had yet another episode I'd be feeling pretty upset and quite likely to use inflammatory language on an anonymous forum.

Even now, I still remember that truly horrible feeling, when pregnant, that others (family, friends and doctors/nurses) were entirely focussed and overly interested in my 'contents', that precious baby - and viewed me as merely a 'vessel' - a container!

Where were the usual questions about me, my life, interests and career? What happened to the normal conversations about the weather, politics, hobbies, events etc? I wasn't cabbage brained or totally obsessed with the contents of my womb - yet seemed to be surrounded by those who were!

"Rabid feminists talking crap" seems more of a generally held opinion about feminists than lashing out in frustration...

That's the problem

And getting on with the other DIL who is happy to sit with her and speak badly of this DIL and then using that as an "so and so agrees with me so I must be right"...

Is another problem

eddiecat78

Many of you seem to have missed the fact that OP briefly mentioned 10 years of being excluded by this DIL. I should think the scan incident felt like the final straw and she came to Gransnet to offload and hoping for some empathy. Instead of which she has been told it's all her own fault! It should be noted that she appears to have a good relationship with her other DIL so presumably they don't feel OP is an unreasonable person. Why is it so hard for you to consider that the pregnant DIL is the difficult one not the OP?

But even if the DIL is the "difficult one" how on earth will the son sharing private information with his mother help matters? Or the OP thinking she has a right to know for that matter? If someone doesn't want to be close to you you can't make them. In fact stepping back and maintaining distance is often the best thing to do, because once they sense that is happening the difficult person may relax a little and allow more contact.

I disagree about the two way street, honestly. It really only takes one to land things in the ditch

I think we actually agree Mercury. I meant that for a relationship to work both parties have to engage in and want to make it work. If one doesnt then the relationship will fail/land in a ditch as you say. 😏

I give up. I'm starting to hope some of you go on to experience this in your family and then your eyes might be opened

Why would you wish that eddiescat

A lot of us have genuinely tried to help this relationship from self destructing

When that is taken as an attack on an OP rather than insight into how to achieve strong healthy relationships with others then it is doomed to fail