Feeling left out

As maddy's just posted Norah, every family is different. What some AC and spouses may find annoying, others may find caring and natural.

Also maddyone

I am 90% answering posts addressed to me or asking questions..

It's not really fair to say that to me if I am answering those going out of their way to disagree or question my every comment

Careful VS posters might think you're trying to police others posts.

Smileless2012

As maddy's just posted Norah, every family is different. What some AC and spouses may find annoying, others may find caring and natural.

Thanks for saying what I was attempting - annoying, perhaps only to me!

I base comments on my dislike of intrusion into our life.

Everyone is different, as usual.

Smileless2012

Careful VS posters might think you're trying to police others posts.

Explain what you mean please?

I don't mind I have all the patience in the world to answer people

But blaming me is unreasonable

We're all influenced by how our own families 'work' Norah and by what we find annoying .

If you look at your post you made to me yesterday @ 16.02 VS, that will explain.

Smileless2012

If you look at your post you made to me yesterday @ 16.02 VS, that will explain.

There is no post to you from me at 16:02 yesterday

Here we go again

Vindication coming 😂

Thursday VS, not yesterday .

That doesn't relate to my explaining to maddyone that 90% of my comments are answering questions or disagreements put to me Smileless

What options are there?

Be rude and ignore them

Answer honestly from my own perspective

I choose option 2

VioletSky

Also maddyone

I am 90% answering posts addressed to me or asking questions..

It's not really fair to say that to me if I am answering those going out of their way to disagree or question my every comment

I’m not disagreeing with you VS, but simply saying every family is different. It’s simple enough to understand.

I agree every family is different

A good example is that the son and DIL is creating their own family here

And they want to do things their own way

It would be great if everyone could respect that

Smileless2012

That's right MercuryQueen. I'm genuinely appalled at some of the responses the OP's received and the way her son's been criticised.

IMO this isn't about a pregnant woman's right to privacy, it's about control. Controlling her husband to the extent that she's telling him what he can and cannot tell his own mother.

It would be different if the OP's d.i.l.'s desire for privacy meant she hadn't even told her own mother and her sister, but she has so I genuinely don't understand why the OP and her son have been given such a hard time by some because he's done the same.

Of course there are issues couples agree not to discuss with parents and extended family; they agree and I'd have thought that if there's such an agreement neither does so, not one being able to do so while the other can't.

That's really not how consent works. The patient can choose to tell those they trust, they can also choose NOT to tell those they don't.

The husband, as he's not the patient, literally has no right to make that decision on her behalf.

Not everyone considers medical information to be a free for all, regardless of who's related to who and how.

Not all relationships are equal. The OP clearly dislikes her DIL. Why on Earth would the DIL want someone who dislikes them to be privy to personal medical info? Why would she want to trust someone like that?

You seem to ignore the dynamics of the relationship in favour of the titles. ie, "She's his Mum!" vs acknowledging that the relationship with the DIL is strained, at best, and ergo will absolutely impact sensitive situations such as this.

Her being the Mom/Grandmother doesn't supersede the problematic relationship. Being family isn't diplomatic immunity that prevents consequences from actions. I have zero clue what's happened in this relationship previously, but given how the OP talks about her DIL, and admits to gossiping with other DIL about her, I think it's safe to say it's not a positive one.

Why would someone with a strained relationship trust the other person with sensitive information? Being DNA related to her husband and coming child certainly hasn't ensured that the relationship is a good one, so why should it entitle the OP to information? The DIL is absolutely free to share her information with those she trusts, it's HER information. That she doesn't trust the OP is the problem, not who she's choosing to share with.

Unless the OP wants to be estranged, she needs to take a good look at the relationship and figure out what she can do to encourage repair. I'm not saying it's all the OP's fault, because again, we don't know the details... but the only thing OP has control over his her own behaviour.

It relates to you telling maddy that her post to you isn't really fair VS.

I don't agree that it's her information MercuryQueen as I've already said. As the father of the child he made a decision to tell the OP, his mother, on his behalf.

"Unless the OP wants to be estranged..........." really!!! Is estrangement so easy these days? If the relationship needs repairing then everyone needs to make an effort, not just the OP. You've said that you're not saying it's all the OP's fault so it's just not down to her to repair the relationship is it.

Well it wasn't and I said so

We've sorted it out between us so no need for you to worry Smileless

I agree here Norah and (as I said before) would be angry and let down and upset if my husband told someone personal info about me without discussion. And why would anyone share with someone so actively hostile.

Like you, Norah (and unlike Smileless2012) I would also dislike this sort of intrusion into our family life.

Smileless already the relationship has broken down far enough that the DIL isn’t comfortable sharing private information, and the OP, instead of focusing on why that is, is angry and resentful. If things continue this way, yes, I think it’ll only get worse, and lead to estrangement in the long run. And as I clearly said, the only person the OP has control over is herself. If she wants a better relationship, then she needs to look at what she can do. She can’t make anyone else do anything.

Or she can continue as is, gossip with the other DIL, resent the pregnant one and continue to make her dislike known, and see where that gets her, but I suspect it’s not anywhere she wants to be.

I suppose I’ll never understand how pregnant women lose the right to privacy in some people’s view. Out of curiosity, are they allowed to say no when people want to feel their belly, or is that public property too? Or is it okay if the husband says yes, since it’s his baby too?

People wanting to feel their belly; public property!!! Hardly the same thing is it MercuryQueen.

I can see you don't understand/agree with my point of view so it's pointless going around in ever decreasing circles.

I'm not worried VS.

Smileless2012

People wanting to feel their belly; public property!!! Hardly the same thing is it MercuryQueen.

I can see you don't understand/agree with my point of view so it's pointless going around in ever decreasing circles.

I'm not worried VS.

I’m genuinely curious as to where the loss of rights ends in your perspective. You believe that personal medical information is equal rights to be shared by the husband, so was wondering if that extended to bodily autonomy. After all, if she allows her mother to touch her belly, then why shouldn’t he give his mother permission? It is THEIR baby, after all.

Same logic. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Smileless2012

It's their information not her's, because it concerns their baby.

Stop the presses everyone. When you are pregnant, your medical info doesn’t just belong to you anymore. Your partner is your co-patient…I guess the patient privacy laws in most developed nations are wrong…

Her placenta and uterus and it’s contents are not his to share info on. Nothing anyone says here is going to change the way developed nations view this both legally and socially. Just because your mother in law wants in doesn’t mean a son is obligated to consider her feelings here. When you respect and truly love your daughters in law, it’s not hard to understand. When you think they need to fall in line and your son must make them see things your way, you likely end up estranged. She isn’t an incubator, and if her husband respects her right to privacy, there are no problems. If his mother thinks she is entitled to rights and info, we will understand why a daughter in law keeps her distance.

I think it's up to. the DIL who she wants to know about her pregnancy and any problems. I think the OP should step back and stop pushing for more contact and information. Because if there should be a rift caused by her son sharing information without his wife's permission, he could very well find himself being denied any information at all. Then there would be nothing he could do. And yes the baby may be half his, but the body it currently lives in is 100% the DIL's, and she makes the decisions.
Get a hobby, go on holiday OP. Find something to do for the next few months. Leave the couple to have their baby in peace.

Nowhere is it indicated that the son disagrees with his wife’s rights here, only that he slipped up and spoke before checking with her about what was okay to share about her body. But look how many pernicious MIL’s automatically assume that because the OP disagrees with this young woman’s boundaries, the son must agree with his mother. He’s an excited dad who misspoke. This is what I mean by emotionally incestuous mentalities. Just because the mother feels a way does not mean the son must share her feelings. She is not his other half, his wife is. She is not equal to his wife here. Her wants are not equal to his wife. If his mother’s desires conflict with his wife’s, his duty is to prioritize his wife’s. The wife wants to keep her body and info restricted to her husband and mother. That’s not even a little bit wrong. Stop assuming this young man feels equal need to satisfy his mother’s concerns on the issue. It’s downright weird.

As I said MercuryQueen, it's pointless to go around in ever decreasing circles. I've given my opinion and have better things to do then to continue to do so.

MercuryQueen right?

It's not information about the baby, it's information about the mother. It is the mother who may need surgery should the placenta not move. Let her have a bit of space to deal with the possibility of a serious surgery. I'd rather do my first 4 labours back to back than deal with that recovery