Update after conflict with in-laws

Thank you for all your responses, which I really appreciate. There is a wealth of wisdom on this forum!

There are some great quotes and experiences to share. In the moment, it’s difficult to find a sense of place and belonging in my situation. I have stayed silent and stepped back since they started causing anxiety and hurting feelings, not wanting to cause a rift bigger than what it is, by not giving them a response to their actions - I have just gone with the flow, in respect of keeping my distance to protect myself from more hurt.

These days I experience spells of hot and cold from my in laws, I never quite trust the warmth because there isn’t any sincerity behind it, and it’s not consistent with spells of coldness (bad vibes/signs that other things have been said to other family members, things get added up to awful overall etc) and it’s only ever caused hurt. Its been traumatising, the journey that that in itself has put me through. I know I will never get an apology. I also know that they will never own up to how awful they’ve been. I think it comes down to their expectations and their expectations of me not meeting that. I am not good enough (other than producing grandchildren, as my husbands Dad once said!). Admittedly, my MIL was treated similarly with my FIL side of the family and they ended up distancing themselves completely from them. I’ve only met that side of the family once in 13 years. You would think they wouldn’t repeat what they went through, but it seems they’ve made a full circle or are used to being cold to family members that they don’t like and so find it easy to do it with me - who knows… If there is only one positive from this, is that I know how not to be with my future children’s partners (I have a girl and a boy).

Being embittered is a word and feeling I can relate to. I’m not sure if there is any mending, because of bitterness and no trust in a relationship. Does time and distance help?

You can’t choose your family, can you?!…

Sounds like their loss. They are lucky to have contact with the grandkids. I wonder if they realise that?

I had this situation from day one. They told my late husband he was cut out of the Will way if he married me. Mil called me a Jezebel cos I wore a fun fur coat. They had all the family’s wedding photos on the wall apart from mine. They would not speak to my side of the family at the wedding. They mellowed when I had DD and were kind to her but still snide remarks all their lives. I have been embittered to the point I don’t speak to that side of the family admittedly on MILs death bed she asked me for forgiveness and of course I said nothing to forgive and held her hand. But I am a changed person. So my sympathies to anyone in this situation

Keep those boundaries, I hope things keep getting better

It's often difficult with the older generation in families. Even though you are all grown adults sometimes they believe they have some sort of seniority over you and if others are on board with that, they then absolutely control the narrative.

Common sense, strong boundaries and a husband who has a backbone when standing up to his family has to be enough. Let it be enough. Let them blame you, they will only destroy what is left of their relationship with their own son by disrespecting his ability to stand up to them and speak for himself

Gosh I, just messaged my daughter to ask her if she wrote this about her in laws. She is not you, she assures me but she went ( still is going through something very similar). They are very well off and quite snobby, my daughter has done well but I brought her up many years on my own. They always felt she wasn’t good enough despite it being her husband that cheated and so on.
I would step back as much as you can remember it’s their shortcomings that are in play here, not yours and their reactions to you, says more about them than you. Focus on your family and seek support from those that love you for who you are, in my daughter case her mum ( me ).
As for the right thing, I think the right thing is to look after you and focus on those that do love you. If your in- laws are anything like my daughters then there will never be a right thing to do. I am glad your husband supports you I would just let him to the right thing as far as your in laws are concerned. Take care of you.

Great quote abby .

I had a similar situation as yours (being a second wife after death of first). I walked away from it all and let my husband deal with birthdays,Christmas presents etc. as I felt nothing I did was appreciated and I was only tolerated. I am now much happier. I like this quote which I read often which helps me.
“I NO LONGER HAVE PATIENCE FOR CERTAIN THINGS, NOT BECAUSE I HAVE BECOME ARROGANT, BUT SIMPLY BECAUSE I HAVE REACHED A POINT IN MY LIFE WHERE I DO NOT WANT TO WASTE MORE TIME WITH WHAT HURTS ME. I HAVE LOST THE WILL TO TRY AND PLEASE THOSE WHO DO NOT LIKE ME, TO LOVE THOSE WHO DO NOT LOVE ME, AND TO SMILE AT THOSE WHO DO NOT WANT TO SMILE BACK.”

over the past 6 years my DIL has had a personality transplant,she has tried to treat me like an idiot on many occasions,which i put her straight on. My fear was she would stop me seeing my GC which has not happened as yet.My son sees this as the elephant in the room and says nothing. I first thought it was something I had done?! nothing apart from bending over backwards. to please rhem.The previous advice given spot on ,nurture people/family who care about you,erect your boundaries and put the wrong un's where they belong, in the rubbish bin!

I had a toxic relationship with my own family so certainly did not want another one hanging around me like a millstone. One of the reasons I was married for so brief a time.

Ive had relationships with men since but as soon as they wanted me to begin meeting their family and getting sucked in I backed off. So glad now.

They do say marry in haste, repent at leisure.

I think i replied to your post last time. Glad you have worked out a happy medium. With me it was my own mother that I cut out. I didn’t stop my kids from having contact but she lost them herself for constant slathering me when they visited. Even though I did nothing wrong but be born. She has missed out on her grandkids and great grandkids sometimes you just have to walk away and don’t look back and live your own life. Some ppl you will never get on it’s life unfortunately

Respect has to be earned by everyone in our lives and that includes family. I’ve always said to my AC and GC that their lives are precious gardens and they have to weed anyone out who is not worthy of their love or respect. No one has the right to make you feel like this and you are so right by saying that you owe it to your husband and child to be happy. Get your hoe out !! 💐

Well done. And well done OP's husband for stepping up.

That's true Madgran bullying and ostracising and "bad vibes" are hard to prove regardless of who's behaving this way.

Just keep on doing what you're doing Abi.

Thankyou for the update Abi. You are clearly doing what is right for you and your family.

Just one thing ...you say

things like bullying and ostracising and “bad vibes” are very hard to prove, particularly when the older generation control the narrative

You are right that the above can be hard to prove but I don't think it is to do with which generation is controlling the narrative. Anyone from any generation can control that unpleasant narrative and can choose to do so, sadly. Why individuals choose to do that is inexplicable but a fact of life for some it seems. 💐

It looks as if this is what the OP and her husband are doing AGA.

Sadly sometimes the only way is to remove toxic people from your life. It seems your DHs family have made your life difficult for quite a few years.
Your DH can see his parents if he wishes but you don't have to. People who make you feel stressed and uncomfortable have no place in your life.

OP, many years ago I was also dealing with toxic in laws. I will tell you what I see the young mums say nowadays: drop the rope. The relationship with your in laws does not serve you. It will not serve you. You cannot control their coldness, but you can control where you focus your energy. It would have been wonderful to have a positive, loving relationship with your in laws. But you do not have that. You are grieving a family that is not your own. Shift your attention feelings away from the sadness of the state of the relationship. Even sending pictures is a way you are subconsciously trying to hold on to what never really was. Your husband is capable of maintaining ties and sending pics. You say he is for the most part. Now it’s time for you to let go completely. Lean into the people in your life who love and respect you. I am a grandmother now, and one thing I absolutely do not regret was distancing from my parents in law, especially my wannabe bully of a mother in law. Focus on your future and those who treat you well. Let go of those who do not. At this point, the struggle is internal.

PS, I would hope that any good husband would take umbrage at his own wife being treated badly by his family of origin. It was certainly too difficult for my own husband to accept the mistreatment of his wife. I hope your husband understands his role as protector of his nuclear family. Best of luck!

If you sometimes feel you are still surviving- this is no way to live and you are not prioritizing your mental health enough

www.gransnet.com/forums/grandparenting/1272235-Advice-from-grandparents

Thank you for the update. I think sometimes we just have to accept that things are what they are, and just get on with our own lives without revisiting all the past hurts.

So continue to live as your small family unit, enjoy your children, be content to let your husband have contact with his family as he wishes.

Try to make good friends and a support network outside of the family. and good luck.

It's good to read your update Abi and that you and your H have worked together to form boundaries. It's also good to know that your husband is able to maintain a relationship with his parents and them with their GC.

FWIW I think you're both doing the right thing in difficult circumstances and wish you well for the future.