Adult son girlfriend

Just thought- please don't let your other children miss out because your mind is full of this one son.

Also, make sure you build different relationships with them - and practice letting go a bit more if you possibly can. You do not want to become focused on the others in this way.

Wishing you and your family well.

Be the person he can always come back to, that loves him as him ... don't be person he feels judged by

This is key.
I would message him and apologise - say you realise he is grown now and you are sorry to have been so negative.
Just say you love him and more than anything you want him to be happy.

Something like this is enough I feel.
Don't say too much. Just a couple of lines to reach out.

He does not want you to be involved Just now. Do not try to manipulate him. Accept in yourself that you have been judging his relationship and that (at least just now) he sees something in her that you cannot.
He and you will, I hope find peace in the end.

I asked earlier if he was in contact with siblings...
Maybe he IS in contact with them...
I doubt they would tell you but they might.

You are going to wear yourself out Mumzyto7 if you have this level of involvement in the lives of all your children.
You have given your son a good start in life and now he has to live it, of course he will make mistakes along the way but that is how we learn. Leave your son to get on with his life and you enjoy yours.

Not forgotting mother's instinct it never leaves you even at that age you spend so many years raising them then this happens

Yes I am that anxious parent definlty one of mine has eplisey and has had many hospital stays in intensive care so that doas that not help yes very hard not being able to make there choices and bringing in other family's to yours you can just see where there going wrong

Deep down inside I'm a terribly anxious helicopter parent. I have spent a great deal of years quashing that and keeping it all inside so I can give my children the freedom and risk they need to grow

It is hard

It is also rewarding

Unfortunately this is very common. Whether it's just that people talk about estrangement more now I don't know ? There's very little you can do I'm afraid other than make sure the door is still open . Just keep things light on the texts At least you still have that . You're definitely not alone in this , there are so many of us feeling the same if that helps you xx

Thank you it means a lot this stage is hard just struggling with it

My older children are adults now

There is a huge open world available to them. They can move far away or make choices and decisions we don't like.

The truth is we have absolutely no control over that at all and if we try to exert any control over that, that is how we will be seen, as people who are controlling.

Let him live his life, he is bound to make mistakes, we all did. Be the person he can always come back to, that loves him as him, not his choices, not the person he feels judged by and it will be ok.

It's hard to let go, but let go

Thank I will she's is bad the reason why she don't want to stay at our house is cause she can't get away with she doas she's rude to us loads the list is endless

He is 20, not 12. His mum’s house was never meant to be “home” for much longer anyway. He will find his way. If she is as bad as you say she is, and we only have your perspective here, then he will likely grow out of her soon. Most 20 yr olds aren’t finding their life partner’s at 20 even in the best of relationships at that age. Allow nature to take its course.

Mumzyto7

Thanks yes I will take step back definltly its just very hard when up till a year ago he was at home and staying at girlfriends now he lives there we were all close now we are not and its hard watching her treat him like that calling him fat kicking under the table she's bossy everything she says gos her family first the way his money is spent etc he was doing so well at home going to college saving money now he has nothing

If she's really that bad he will get tired of her.

Thanks yes I will take step back definltly its just very hard when up till a year ago he was at home and staying at girlfriends now he lives there we were all close now we are not and its hard watching her treat him like that calling him fat kicking under the table she's bossy everything she says gos her family first the way his money is spent etc he was doing so well at home going to college saving money now he has nothing

Don’t worry, remember …”if you love someone let them go, if they love you they will come back”. It was true in my case, my daughter left home at 16, she thought she was in love, but it was an abusive relationship. We later found out she was being physically restrained from visiting us, he even controlled her phone. But it all worked out in the end, she never did return home, choosing to live on her own, but we are now so close to each other, she has an incredibly high powered & well paid career. She regrets what she did, but I’ve put it down to one of life’s experiences and moved on.

He wasn't babysitting he was on holiday yet he lied for people he don't see I will be taken a step back he came yestaday to collect more stuff she's doas not like me and has shown that when we on holiday rude to me and I carried on as nothing had happened cause of Christmas etc

Mumzy could you please give some examples of what is happening? It's hard to give much advice otherwise.

I do think there are some things that you need step back on now he is an adult that will push him away.

He is in love, and he has made a decision to be with his girlfriend. Whatever you think of his girlfriend it is better to support him and listen if he comes to you for advice rather than tell his girlfriend you don't like her.

Contacting his work or other adults to check up on him will not be appreciated. Neither will sharing your concerns about his girlfriend with other adults who know him more than they know you.

At the moment he is living his life as an adult and making adult choices. He obviously doesn't view his relationship as a problem. Be supportive to him, keep contact positive and conversational. Be polite about his girlfriend. This will ensure he feels safe to come to you when needed.

True but very hard to watch him walk round sad he was moaning to me before Christmas about her wanting more orders etc every bit of money is spent on her the reason why I rang his work is to make sure he was ok as it had been weeks of him not contacting us he was not at work that day and said he was babysitting his siblings they were on a another holiday paid for by him I then said have you noticed a change in him they said yes it went from there

Yes I meant I am lucky they don't have children yet but can see it coming soon she's awful her mum is awful hes changed she is controlling we took her on holiday and that's when the trouble started when I arrived home and approached her on everything she's done the list is endless he told me on the phone only to text not ring we approched her mum to be told he's twenty he can do what he likes we were a close family he's moved in the mums house

From your last post, it seems you have tried to talk to her mother and have spoken to his work colleagues or boss.

This is way too much involvement, if you carry on it could end in total estrangement. He is an adult and the way he lives his life is none of your business.

Thanks everyone really appricate you messages and advice I approached her by the way she treats him after Christmas as we welcomed her in to our family and there were things we were not happy with her she's awful shes abusive to him in front of us spends all his money there so much more I could tell her mum was approached by me with door slammed in my face
by the way he was acting his work even said how he'd changed what she's been doing etc

What Hithere said.

Your son is 20. He’s growing into a man now. He is probably relishing having a bit of freedom not constantly in the role of big brother to 6 younger siblings.

Do not start the vicious cycle of the mother who kicks up a fuss blaming girlfriends/wives for their children growing up and getting on with life. Give him space. Refrain from speaking ill of his girlfriend. Do not put pressure on him to be more present than any other sibling should be for your children. Let him get lost in his young love. Time to let go. It’s be better for your relationship in the long term if you don’t cling unnaturally to him during this period in his life. Let go to hold on, or you will push him further away.

Is he in contact with his siblings at all?

Op

Lesson no. 1 - dont blame your adult child's partner for action he/she chooses to take.

Your son is a person of his own, not a puppet

He would contact you if it was in his priority list

Grandmabatty

He's in the throes of love and is getting to know another family. She can't stop him seeing you. He has decided to take a step back. Does he keep in touch in other ways? If so, respond cheerfully with chatty family news.

This.

Don't blame her, you raised him. Unless she has him jailed - I'm at a loss to how she prevents anything. I can't prevent.

Perhaps work on your relationship with him?

Text nice news. Don't whinge on.

Agree with Bluebelle. Low level texts with news, not making demands and waiting to see how it plays out for now.

She's jealous, we don't know her circs, there may be reasons she acts like this, bests not to reinforce jealousy.

Your son is very young and this is all new to him.