How to forgive oneself?

Well I’ve thought long and hard on this
Can you forgive yourself if you are not forgiven by the person whom you have forgiven ! This person who constantly reminds you of your mistakes and whose pattern of behaviour is blamed on you when that person is totally incapable of accepting any responsibility herself or forgiving herself It’s a two way street . You can beat yourself up endlessly about the past and google downs zillion rabbit holes for explanation and closure but some things just remain in your subconscious - an itch you can’t scratch .

If you have been treated with great injustice it is very hard not to feel bitter and unforgiving towards the perpetrator. It’s common for others to say that you are the one who is perpetuating your own suffering. Once when someone said this to me I asked them if they had ever undergone anything like the horrible experiences at the hands of others I had. I was met with silence. Forgiveness is not always possible.

There are guided meditations regarding forgiveness or you can mentally close the door and think of kinder people/things.

Ah, the ironical thing is that I never did criticise my parents, I felt it was my fault, so the "unpicking" was more "understanding". The difficulties were more a lack, a facade, than overt abuse.

But my sister felt that anything that might show parents to be less than ideal or perfect and could not talk about them as Criticising Their Beliefs was to be rejected, not loved.

Loyalty was a big issue but by seeing it as understanding not criticism it was eventually possible for me.

Wyllow
I’m so pleased you’ve had some benefits from counselling. I still don’t think it’s for me, I think when I was very much younger I might have been able to talk more about myself, but at that point I still believed everything was my fault, and my misplaced loyalty would never have let me criticise my parents.

Sara1954 the nice thing about a counsellor is its privacy, it's not talking to someone who knows you, there will be no rebound on anything's you say.

When you are ready, if that's what you choose, the being self conscious is the starting point, but you've started well right in here by sharing x

I have forgiven my mum and dad, but I think its been easier because they died 1971 and 2006 and its "past", and also I have thought a lot about how they grew up to be as they are and that has helped a lot.

Also the miracle that my son has grown up feeling loved and able to express say anger and has chosen a strong and loving partner and 4 grandchildren have equally miraculously emerged...I'm aware of how I could done better, but ..well it was "good enough".

I've not been able to hold down a job for long, and have had some difficult MH episodes.. just got out of an abusive marriage involving police et al (not my DS's Dad)..... I haven't been able to use the qualifications I've earned, but now at 72 knowing my family are adequately thriving as well as they might seems to matter more than anything else. and for me personally its the various counselling and therapy that has enabled me to get to this place.

There have been some very interesting posts on this page.

VioletSky - I like your last post starting with "So just do it" etc. But when you say "Forgive that learned behaviour that's like fleas you have to pick off yourself one by one" you first have to work out what that learned behaviour is before you can forgive yourself for it. I haven't finished working that out.

So far I have worked out that my treatment has made me too submissive about actions/behaviours that I am not comfortable with and very frightened of taking risks or making mistakes. I have always been over-cautious and at work I checked my work over and over again to avoid making a mistake that I could later be criticised for. I also worry about not having treated my children properly, although I suppose I would know about that by now if that was true.

I do forgive myself for having tolerated the abuse. As a child I had no choice and although I challenged my mother more as an adult I still held back from saying what I really felt as Iit would have simply made her even more angry.

Kate1949 - 1 know you had a bad time of it and am so sorry that it hangs over you still. I'm sure your treatment was not your fault though, whatever your parents told you. Incapable people who fail at relationships and at life always blame others.

Ali23 - thanks for the book recommendation. I could have written the same post as yours, apart from the reference to having had therapy that helped you. Mine didn't and l spent a lot of money on it.

When I created the OP I had no idea if many people would understand what I was trying to ask about and I have found all the contributions so far very helpful.

Wyllow
Thanks for the clarification.
It’s something I know very little about, I don’t think it would ever be for me though, I would feel very self conscious.

Just waned to draw a line between different talking therapies.

The "opening the Pandora's box* is only in psychotherapy as opposed to supportive counselling and CBT. In the latter two one is dealing with the here and now and trying to help reach best emotional health in the here and now.

I'm not saying that counselling/CBT doesn't bring up difficult feelings, after all that's why you are there, you've arrived with them after all, but tends to deal with relationships in the present, to focus how you can better "see" your life and live it as it is. It could for example be issue specific, not try and move beyond that.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/talking-therapy-and-counselling/types-of-talking-therapy/

Sara1954

It’s not that a don’t agree with therapy, it’s whatever works best for you, but I think digging around in my murky past, maybe bringing things to the surface which I’d managed to forget, would be horrible.

from my experience it does make things worse before they get better but I agree, whatever works x

I always liked the song we used to sing at my choir- "Let it go". It's really good advice. If you don't want the teaching bit fast forward to where she sings in 3 part harmony and join in.
"Let it go
Let it out
Let it all unravel
Let it free
And it can be
A path on which to travel"
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zg3Z01hzs2Q

It’s not that a don’t agree with therapy, it’s whatever works best for you, but I think digging around in my murky past, maybe bringing things to the surface which I’d managed to forget, would be horrible.

This is a great book, if you can get it, Rambling Rose

I lived through decades of impossible expectations and subsequently find it hard to totally forgive others and myself in equal parts. I still find myself triggered into anger when similar situations and feelings come up. Similarly I find that I revisit my own mistakes. I’ve had therapy which has deepened my insight and helped me to recognise patterns in myself and others, give myself the space to reflect and to walk away from possible trauma before it gets going.
But I find that therapy is only half of the job. Moving on skilfully is a challenge and I have had to learn to meditate, be my own best friend and my own parent. It’s hard work and I don’t think it will ever stop.
Maybe compassion, acceptance and self love are more achievable than forgiveness?

Kate1949

The OP was about forgiving yourself. The trouble is, although none of it was my fault, because of my childhood trauma I have trouble forgiving myself for being the way I am - scared of another bad thing happening. Scared of life really. Most people don't understand.

Its taken years Kate and I'm 72 but just beginning to accept I'm usually that way and that its OK, I shouldn't have to be someone who is stronger, more resilient, socially active in making the world a better place, and so on. its OK to wake up and be afraid of having to do the most ordinary things that people "seem" to do without a thought.

Is Ok to be little, its OK to be afraid, although it's very difficult. I limit the social situations I put myself in: I make better choices than I used to about whom I spend time with, where I go, and so on.

I think more people understand than used to, and more people accept than they used to, because vulnerability is talked about more than it used to be. some people are still scared, because of what inside themselves they don't want to look at, and tho I understand I avoid them.

You can only forgive where they regret what they have done (so that's a separate issue). But if these past things are weighing on you, that is harming you and taking energy. So that's what you can deal with - perhaps by forgiving yourself for continuing to carry these things. They do say the best revenge is a happy life? You are not 'a bad person' - a bad 'un would have long ago taken revenge!

JaneJudge
I agree with what you are saying, I have no intention of forgiving my mother, ever.
Ramblingrose
I think that’s right, I have made mistakes with my children, always with the best of intentions, but mistakes nonetheless.
I really don’t think them saying at some point they forgave me for my wrong choices, would make me feel any better at all.

You have nothing to forgive yourself for Kate.

Kate1949, have you had any talking therapy?

So just do it

Forgive that learned behaviour that's like fleas you have to pick off yourself one by one.

Forgive yourself for tolerating abuse because you loved. Being capable of love is wonderful.

Forgive yourself for all the times you have reacted in anger to other people's abusive behaviour.

There is a visualisation technique.. it might sound woowoo to some but it's very effective.

Find yourself somewhere that feels quiet and safe, close your eyes and see yourself as a child or a teen or an adult or whatever point that hurt you. Hug them while assuring them, it was never their fault and they never deserved it.

Jane it is sometimes a useful life skill and sometimes heartbreaking when someone close is in an abusive relationship and they haven't come out of the fog yet because admitting they are being abused now means realising that their childhood wasn't as positive as they have convinced themselves.

So many victims don't realise the truth until they are well into their own marriages and parenting journeys

That where forgiving yourself is so so important.

If you have been conditioned since a young child to tolerate abuse by all the crazy making tactics abusive people seem to instinctively know... how can it possibly be your fault?

The OP was about forgiving yourself. The trouble is, although none of it was my fault, because of my childhood trauma I have trouble forgiving myself for being the way I am - scared of another bad thing happening. Scared of life really. Most people don't understand.

That is so true VS and you can spot them a mile off can't you?
I've stepped back from friendships when they have shown me who they are and I have never been wrong

I'm a big believer that forgiveness is not necessary to healing

You cannot directly forgive a person who doesn't take responsibility for their actions or apologise. Especially abusive people who deny they ever said or did anything wrong.

You cannot directly forgive someone who is accountantable and apologises if the behaviour that hurts you never changes because your forgiveness simply leads you to more harm.

There is another kind of forgiveness.

You can understand when a person's own life experience and trauma created the broken person they are that hurt you.

So if you cannot directly forgive someone because they won't admit they are abusive or they won't do the work to change that about themselves... Then you can indirectly forgive them, let them go, release them from the harm they do to you and to themselves by harming you.

You can forgive them for not being strong enough to be a better person.

Do your work to heal what they did to you, be the best version of yourself you can be. The victims of abuse who don't choose the same path of their abuser become kind and empathetic people, sometimes with very little tolerance or politeness towards people who exhibit abusive behaviours they see in future but that is not a bad thing!

I don't see why I should forgive someone who was immeasurably cruel to me over a number of decades just because they had a hand in my creation. I don't need to forgive them and it's not even in my best interests.

Monica, I agree with what you say, abuse is very different to being 'good enough'. I don't think I have been a wonderful Mother either. I have muddled through and sometimes I don't think I have been 'good enough'