Distance issue

Do you have to live in your partners pocket why can’t you jump on a train and visit your family. Leave him to dog sit I would hate to drag a miserable old man with me. You probably need a break

I don’t usually comment on here but just wanted to say, I feel your pain. We live a similar distance from our loved one but very close to the other two. The family that live 4 hrs away also have two younger children and I am anxious we should be in their lives whilst young enough to want us. We hire a cottage for three months in the village where they live, a win win situation. They can see as much of us as they would like but we can come home back to Blighty. It’s not for everyone but works for us. Good Luck, I’m sure you are very loved.

Oh god the OP’s post reminded me of how I was with my parents when I was working. They were always in my mind but I didn’t see them regularly. They had their own lives and I had mine. Now they are both dead, since 2017 and 2018, after 4-5 years in a care home, I miss them terribly and wish I had visited more when they were healthy. Clearly part of the human tragedy, for some people at least.

Definitely make the move and hopefully things will improve as you're closer to hand. Try not to dwell too much on what things are like now & look forward to the move nearer to them x

AnDI - what a good idea! My Parents used to take a cottage on the Gower and various members of the family would descend.

I’ve only got one child and he’s good at keeping in touch but I always try to be really upbeat and positive with him. I try to be grateful for any contact as I know they live incredibly busy lives. You are being really proactive about your situation and I wish you well.Try to think of any extra contact as a bonus and carve an independent life out for yourselves. Good luck!

It sounds as if your move is what you and your daughters want and is well on its way to completion. You are constructively helping the situation to try and make a happier life for you all.
I too say go for it.
I understand the hurt when our children seem too busy for us, but from my experience, with two daughters at opposite ends of the country and both raising families and coping with busy and demanding careers I have learned to settle for what we can all manage to do to speak with and see each other. I don't drive now for various reasons and used to travel by train with a senior rail card. I used to see my grandchildren a lot but don't so much now. Severe arthritis makes it difficult for me to travel. I find that we pick up where we left off when we do see each other, but I do sometimes wish that we lived closer to each other - I indulge in a bit of a yearn but would not like to make the choice of which daughter I would move nearer to.
I hope your move goes well and that you all find some tranquillity from being nearer. It seems to me that you will all benefit.

It needs careful consideration. You need to do what is best for you and your husband. I wouldn’t take much notice of negative responses, we are all different. It can feel very restricting when your children live such busy lives. Just don’t do anything you may regret. I’m sure you will make the right decision for your family

'you may have to choose between your pet and your family' how harsh. When my mum was widowed ..and wanted more and more of me and family I wished that she had a pet for emotional support. I now have two dogs and it certainly is used as an excuse by my DIL why I can't visit my grandchildren. But really its an excuse. DIL doesn't like dogs...though she did when she was being courted
My dogs give me so much emotional support since I have lived alone and work from home. Plus fun and exercise and healthy living and I am not needed by my son's family. Although at first it caused me much heartache. We share loving messages and videos...it's enough. I send money and presents to the kids often and they visit a couple of times a year...three if I'm lucky. I too cannot do the long car journey on busy motorways anymore, too stressful and I have a condition (an aneurysm) which makes it very advisable to avoid unnecessary stress. So I feel I come into the 'choosing my dogs (cats have autonomy, dogs don't) over my grandchildren' ...harsh and unkindly judgemental. I only wish that dogs lived longer.

Its hard but I think we have to accept that when we had children growing up at home, we were very focused on them and on our work (or focused on our life at home to care full time for the children) and had little time for much else. We did of course connect with our parents and those connections will have differed for all of us. But it's natural for a mother or father with dependent children to have less time for the older generation - and I don't think we should take that as not caring about us. We have to recognise their different focus and make our own lives with whatever connection is possible with the younger generations. Also, as others have said, we don't help ourselves if we ruminate on all this - turn it over and over in our minds. We help ourselves if we say to our children, calmly and without accusations, what we would like to happen and ask if there is a way ahead which works for them and us. At all costs let us not see ourselves as victims - that is the way to make sure we suffer, and it gets in the way of strait forward conversations and good relationships with our children.

Hithere,agree with you totally.Where on earth do all these needy people come from?

I’ve known too many friends who have moved near their family. Can’t think of any where it’s been a dream.
Face time is my savour. Texting the children when they’re old enough.

I think you sounds settled on the move, but your husband agree with the move idea? It's a case of balancing the positives over the negatives in terms of what you can control as a result of the upheaval. What about your husband's friends and interests in a new location? How old and you both, and how old are the grandchildren as in a few years time they may be able to visit unaccompanied if you move closer. ?

Working mums in demanding jobs have competing demands and their lives are very stressful. Try not to add to their stress levels but do talk through your move proposals and expectations , as if you see them e.g having a future carer role, they might not realise this. There's no guarantee that they won't move again at some point for their jobs either.

Thank you Loopy Loo! We have, in fact sold our house STC and we’ve found somewhere. Yes! I’m seeing it as an adventure and I’m ready to take it on. I have lots of hobbies so I’m not that needy. My concern was about my husbands health recently and as he hasn’t seen his grandchildren since July

I don’t quite get why OP posted in the first place about the length of the journey to her daughter’s etc etc if the house is sold STC anyway. What is the problem?

It seems like you’re going ahead with the move - so hope that all goes well for you. I think I would do the same in your position … esp. given the problems with your husbands health, driving distance difficulties, being closer to your family etc -and with already having friends in the area too. Unfortunately I have to get on a plane to see my dgc!
But I do think you need to be realistic about your expectations of your daughter when you do move and look at it from her point of view too. If you are worried about your husbands health and your children’s behaviour, you need to be letting them know what’s going on so they know the whole story, then they can appreciate where you are coming from - not to guilt them into doing something - but to decide for themselves how they will deal with the situation and adapt their lives. Your children are adults.
I’ve always found open, honest, - and realistic, dialogue works best … both with family - and with ourselves to work out where our motivation for our feelings and emotions comes from.
I wish you all of the best x

Hi Lizzie
Your original message asked how you could hide your hurt feelings.
Most replies have been advice re your husband, your dog, and your decisions!
I moved closer. I didn’t want, or expect to live in my adult child’s pocket and was determined to be independent. I have done this; not easy by yourself but I was determined not to be a burden wherever I lived. I also have a child and grandchildren abroad and like to try and treat both of my children and all my grandchildren similarly. Covid certainly hasn’t helped with this.
Four years later the child here complains I’m “never” available when they want to slot me into their busy lives. I have learnt to hide my feelings regarding not seeing much of them and simply say “You’re always welcome to drop in and I love to spend time with you but if you leave it to the last minute ….”
However, I don’t regret the move and, having had parent who lived three hundred miles away, it is much easier when they are closer and you can meet for a cuppa rather than having to stay over in either home.
Enjoy your move; well done on the property sale and hope you soon settle and the move is successful for you, your husband and your family. It won’t make your daughter any different so don’t be disappointed there. Just try and take pride in that you’ve brought her up to be a successful person.

Hithere

No, as a woman, a man putting my driving down because he lost his confidence is something I do not tolerate

Hear, hear.

I don't swear much but he'd be told to shut the f up...

....after I'd screeched to a halt somewhere so that he could get out and walk if he couldn't keep his remarks to himself.

You don't have to put up with a nagging husband, Lizzie.

LizzieB1
Having family nearby is nice, but it certainly isn’t the answer to a parent’s prayer. When my brother passed away, my sis-in-law sold up and moved to be near her son. BIG MISTAKE ! Her d.I.l. accused her of ‘spying’ on them, visiting at inconvenient hours, etc etc. So, s.i.l. sold and moved again to keep a ‘safe distance’.
I am fortunate to have all 3 children living near me. But I never impose on them. For instance, my d.i.l. recently mentioned that the kids are now starting to have homework to do etc, so, a more convenient time has to be arranged. That put me in my place ?. It’s hard being a loving grandparent !

PS Hope all goes well with the move.

I'd 'cope' with negative feelings by looking for positives but I would also tell a daughter whom I felt was neglecting her father that I minded that. Adults should be able to cope with the truth.

Hi Lizzie B1 I just wanted to say, some and only some of the GN posters are hard-faced dictatorial, rude and bullyish.. and are very unkind. They don't care that they come across as arrogant and think they are better than anyone else...
But we are not all like that.
Also, my husband is a complete door handle when I'm driving, and I drive as part of my job.. I take slow breaths and ignore him.

If you already have good friends in the area plus your family then downsizing and moving may be a good option for you. Maybe go on holiday with some friends with the money you have saved downsizing and leave the husband at home and give yourself a decent break.l! It is a difficult decision. When my mother was Ill I was the nearest with my sisters being 4 hours distance away. I was “expected” to be the go to person when she was I’ll and it was exhausting with a full time job etc. hopefully bring closer will mean a mutually beneficial relationship. Best of luck

sparknan, I love that! Someone I can identify with whilst also showing compassion with a touch of humour

I think there is a range of issues here and I would think carefully about moving closer as your expectations may not be met about the move.

If your husband has always behaved like that towards you then I guess you've come to expect it, however if not is it possible he may be exhibiting early signs of dementia? If so do consider and enquire about which area might have the best services for those with that condition as that will become the most important consideration for you over the coming years. Good luck with all the decisions you have to make.

I noticed the OP's post was asking for advice about how to hide hurt feelings.
The point is: don't harbour them as they won't stay hidden!

I see no reason as to why the proposed move should not be a success, as long as there is no expectation that they will see much more of their daughters, which is unlikely, as they are at the busiest period of their lives, and will simply be relieved that their parents are close by in case of emergency.

It does sound as if your husband is the main problem. If my husband complains when I’m driving - which he sometimes does- he gets an earful from me. I do hope your move works out - don’t forget to build your own life there - church? U3A? WI? classes - aerobics, Pilates, Zumba etc - working for charities- your children have flown - you gave them the wings - let them fly. We cannot be dependent on them for our happiness - all the best xx