Sympathy token - flowers, something else, or not at all?

Thank you very much everyone. The lady (his wife) has said she will phone to keep in contact with our group when things have settled down so that would be a good opportunity to suggest practical ways to help.

This is my own experience. My husband was diagnosed as terminal Oct 2003. From late November he only wanted to see certain people and didn't want to speak to anyone on the phone. I am glad people didn't send anything to the house flowers,cakes etc. It would just have made things harder for him. He died at home with me and our 2 children in February 2004 . But we did appreciate all the cards and letters people sent after his death and all the things they wrote about him. No flowers at the funeral but raised over £5,000 to send to the cancer ward which treated him.

The last week of my dad's life he only wanted to see my brother and me . Mom would have liked to have seen the grandchildren but dad said no. He wanted them to remember him as he was.

My advise to anyone is ask the family of the terminal person what they want. Everyone is different.

Like I said these are my experiences.

I was deluged with cards when DH died but one person suggested we went for a walk and from then on was always available. We walked every couple of days through lockdown and beyond. It's less frequent now but I have valued that so much.
Before he died too some friends shopped for us.
Flowers are nice too.

That's just what people need in difficult times, OP.

I'll always be thankful to the lovely neighbours who supported me when my mum was dying — which took more than a year from her terminal diagnosis. On one side was a lovely lady who would let herself in my back door, collect the dirty bedding and towels and return them quietly, washed and dried. And she'd just discreetly tidy up a bit. No fuss. On the other side was a couple who every couple of weeks would appear in the garden with a cheery wave, mow the lawn back and front and do a bit of weeding and tidying. No need for chatter if I wasn't in the mood. One of mum's other friends would shop for me a couple of times a week. The people I dreaded were the relatives who'd arrive, spend 15 minutes with Mum and then expect me to do lunch or tea for them. And weep and tell me how awful it was.

That's a good idea Tinkerbell when I was having chemo and my oh was in hospital two of my friends did shopping and rang me regularly it's the little things that count.

That sounds perfect. It’s good to have friends in difficult times.

Thank you all so much for your kind responses and suggestions. I have just come in from a lovely walk in the park and now realise what I can do. There is a group of us that join up to play music and meet in each other's homes on a rotational basis. I don't live near the others so I can't dog walk or anything but when things have settled down, I shall offer to this lady and her husband that I will be pleased to drive them round, and I will also offer to pick up the lady who has just come out of hospital.

ExDancer

I was surprised by how touched my daughter (who lives a long way from us) was when I got some flowers and chocolate delivered from the Internet. I thought I was perhaps being a bit silly as she would know how I felt about her, but she was really appreciative.
Yes, do something, she will feel good for a while and cheer her up.
Later on you could suggest taking her out?

But had your daughter just received devastating news? We send flowers when someone dies: I think that I might find flowers at a time like this reminiscent of that.

I second a hand-written personal note and perhaps if you're a baker, something you've made. I have loads of apples at the moment and something like an apple tart might be really appreciated. People often struggle to cook and eat when they're in shock.

You know them, OP. You'll know if they are the kind of people who flowers or the kind who'll find it stressful having to find a vase and deal with stems and packaging.

Delete ‘read’

Just keep in touch with your friend. It’s amazing how many people drop off the radar once something like this happens. When my dd and dh were both ill with cancer I read learned how people we thought were friends just disappeared in a puff of nothingness. Just be there for them

If it were me I would not want any kind of gift . I suggest keeping it to a weekly phone call asking how things are and picking up on any hint of where help might be appreciated.

If this involves stays in hospital, home-cooking in suitable portions is always welcome.

I took batches of "ready meals" for my friend when her husband was in hospital for weeks on end. I know she was emotionally exhausted and they were easy and a reminder of our friendship when she couldn't face company.

I tried to make 2 of everything, one larger and one small so if she had her son or daughter visiting they both had something.

Her family still thank me 3 years later. - I didn't do it for thanks of course but just getting by day to day was overwhelming them and this was one small thing that gave a little relief.

If its not involving so long in hospice/hospital I would phone my friend and just do ordinary helpful things and be an "ear" - the time will come when you can step-up.

MawtheMerrier

I think we sometimes underestimate the value of a sincere, handwritten note - on a card, perhaps or notelet saying you are very sorry to hear of the medical news, that they are both very much in your thoughts and if there is anything you can do, such as lifts to hospital appointments, feeding the cat, letting the dog out , a welcome cuppa and a piece of cake, or a light supper, you are entirely at their disposal.
Follow up with specific help or offers- don’t necessarily wait to be asked.
They may be deluged with calls, emails etc right now, but that will die down - but true friends hang on in there when the initial fuss has receded..

My thoughts too Maw.

I think what Maw has suggested is spot on. I'm so sorry. It is such a shock for everyone

I was surprised by how touched my daughter (who lives a long way from us) was when I got some flowers and chocolate delivered from the Internet. I thought I was perhaps being a bit silly as she would know how I felt about her, but she was really appreciative.
Yes, do something, she will feel good for a while and cheer her up.
Later on you could suggest taking her out?

MawtheMerrier

I think we sometimes underestimate the value of a sincere, handwritten note - on a card, perhaps or notelet saying you are very sorry to hear of the medical news, that they are both very much in your thoughts and if there is anything you can do, such as lifts to hospital appointments, feeding the cat, letting the dog out , a welcome cuppa and a piece of cake, or a light supper, you are entirely at their disposal.
Follow up with specific help or offers- don’t necessarily wait to be asked.
They may be deluged with calls, emails etc right now, but that will die down - but true friends hang on in there when the initial fuss has receded..

This is what I inarticulately meant.

I'd ask - Biscuits and tea, dog walking, or? - just ideas, none in stone.

I think we sometimes underestimate the value of a sincere, handwritten note - on a card, perhaps or notelet saying you are very sorry to hear of the medical news, that they are both very much in your thoughts and if there is anything you can do, such as lifts to hospital appointments, feeding the cat, letting the dog out , a welcome cuppa and a piece of cake, or a light supper, you are entirely at their disposal.
Follow up with specific help or offers- don’t necessarily wait to be asked.
They may be deluged with calls, emails etc right now, but that will die down - but true friends hang on in there when the initial fuss has receded..

I’d send a ‘thinking about you’ card

Sometimes a basket of fruit is better than flowers.

Thank you MargotLedbetter. My friend emailed me this morning. I know that their son is there, and the friend's sister is also involved in helping but I would just like to do something more than the sympathetic emailed immediately by return. I take on board what you say and maybe when things have settled I could find some way to be of help.

I think your best bet would be to quietly support your friend. I wouldn't send flowers unless you know it's something they'd both appreciate. Many people, even with a terminal diagnosis, can go on for many months, years even. Did she tell you the news or have you heard it from elsewhere? I'd wait till she told me and then offer her any practical help I could.

I think I didn't report it seriously enough: he is in fact a friend's husband (but I consider him my friend too) and at present has only just been diagnosed with something that is terminal, so I don't want to rush in with anything too social but thank you for your suggestion.

Why don't you ask her/him round and bake a cake and just talk to him/her? we all know how friends disappear when things get hard. To know you are someone who isn't scared and can continue your friendship 'as normal' generally means much more to people than gifts