Should i pay- tricky dilemma

Don't pay.simple. if they take issue then that's their problem. Hopefully they'll just carry on and not make a fuss.you cannot let them bully you over this, I'd say. Here's hoping you can simply ignore they and carry on with your busy life!

Your sibling has a cheek. She knows that she is putting a strain on you... so, frankly, I would tell her where to get off, albeit politely. Something like "You know that I am not as well off as you and the others. You know I am single and supporting my kid. You nknow the parent could easily but this item, but is stingy enough not to, because she expects us to do it, maybe because we will be inheriting something. So... count me out." If that means they cut you off, you'll know that it was about pique, not just about money. Maybe they wanted to put you in a corner, just because they have money, and you don't.

Who has identified and articulated this "need"? Is it an OT recommendation? You said your parent doesn't want to spend the money as they don't see the need? If they don't see the need and won't buy one voluntarily then it's a bit rich for your siblings to make this decision and foist such a bed on the AP unless there are genuine risks that have been identified in not having one. Either way, you shouldn't be contributing if you can't afford it. Good luck.

DO NOT contribute, and tell them firmly that you cannot afford it. They are putting you in a difficult situation, and shame on them for doing this.

how about pointing out that as a percentage of income that is just too much for you. I also agree they need a specialist occupational therapist to discuss with your parents and family what exactly they need, its too easy to buy the wrong thing and be unable to use it. My mum insisted on going to a private hearing aid company. They had wonderful advertising, provided a lovely hearing aid but it was too small for her hands to use, so for £600+ it was useless. She wouldn't let me complain either, or give me the name of the company, because she felt silly I expect. An NHS hearing aid assessment would have considered that.

Community nurse, OT or Physio can order the necessary equipment. It will come from the local community equipment store probably run by a company such as NRS or Millbrook commissioned by local nhs and council. But same stuff as you buy.
Electric/ profiling beds provided free with no means test on long term loan for lots of people to protect carers backs
Your sibling unqualified to say what best and it’s a waste of money that could be spent on other things to make your relative more comfortable.

DH and I bought a stairlift ourselves which he definitely needed after he broke his hip. But we also have numerous other items from our local adult social services team that are a huge help with DH's limited mobility. The team has been very helpful, all free of charge although we have offered to pay for items. The aim is to keep people out of hospital/care and in their own homes for as long as possible.

I think you should be honest and simply say you cannot afford it. If the bed is so essential it might be available from social services - who might in fact assess it as unnecessary or suggest an alternative item. DH has a bed handle from adult social services that is a big help.

The older I get, the mor obvious it becomes to me that people of wealth/of comfortable financial circumstances, have absolutely no idea what it’s like to be on a tight budget over a long period of time. Spell it out thelbg and don’t contribute x

thelbg, I remember a sibling suggesting that we all chip in for our mother's care home. She expected £300 a week - more than my income! I just stated, quite clearly, that I was only just managing and had absolutely nothing to spare. 'Don't you have savings?' she asked. Well, no, how could I?

If the parents need the item then they should buy it , like anything else that’s needed . No way would I expect my children to club together to buy something that I need in my old age , where’s their pride ? As they keep rolling out of bed , one day they will do theirselves an injury that needs hospitalisation , then they will wish that they had that new bed . Point this out to them, and let them pay for their own needs , like everyone else has to , even more so as they are wealthy .
Also, if your siblings still insist then just tell them straight that you’ve not the money to contribute like they do, and don’t feel guilty .

Calendargirl

If parents can afford it themselves, then they should buy it.

Other sibling shouldn’t be railroading others to do it.

Don’t contribute.

Maybe different if parents were hard up.

Totally agree here. Don’t do it, it is for your parents to do not your siblings who probably see this a pocket money.

My in laws loved with a shockingly bad bed, vile dangerous carpets and an oven where the door was falling off. We paid for a gardener and meals on wheels. They passed away and we found they had £30k in their current account, we had two small children and one income. Old people don’t always know what is what on my opinion. Anyway, they had the right to do as they saw fit, it did make me desperately sad when I saw how much they had whilst we were on our uppers paying for things for them.

Should have previewed, sorry for typos. Hope it makes sense anyway.

If your parents are of sound mind and choose not to pay for equipment then they obviously don't want it. There is absolutely no reason to contribute and it is rather thoughtless of your sibling not to consult you first before ordering.

thelbg

Thank you for replies. To answer some questions-they can easily afford it, they have substantial savings and big pensions, its that they dont want to spend the money as they dont see the need. But they keep getting stuck in bed or roll out onto the floor, and call 999 for help, the features the bed has would make a genuine difference to their safety and independence. No capacity concerns. Very independent for 90. Its the guilt that i struggle with if i say i cant contribute, but also siblings have never had money concerns, whereas although i am ok, i have never been able to afford luxuries and holidays, (but have a really good life despite this) but i dont think siblings get this. Maybe my contribution could be over a period of a few months. The latest thing is putting in a level access shower as they cant access the bath !!!!!

These items are often available on the NHS and your family should be talking to the Falls Team. I am surprised that this hasn't already been offered if the ambulance has been called several times. As to the bath, there are aids for that too. The Falls team includes an Occupational Therapist who can help the family decide what is needed and can be supplied.

Theoddbird

I am not being hard here but as they 'don't see the need' then that should be that. The choice has to be theirs. The items should not be purchased by their children. Do stand firm on this...

I agree completely with this. Maybe they don’t want to fork out the money, or they think the system they have in place of ringing 911 is fine. But if they can afford it, they should be paying!

I think you have to set a boundary here with your siblings that you won’t chip in for equipment that they’ve chosen and purchased. It can take a long time for a ‘No’ to sink in so it might take a few conversations for them to accept that ‘no means no’. There’s no need to make excuses for not having the money.

Families can get funny ideas about how much money you have. It’s been a widespread belief among my siblings for years that my husband and I are rolling in money! We’re not - we choose to live within our means, which has meant that money has been fairly tight at times. If, as you say, you’re happy with your lifestyle, and can afford the things you want, it might never occur to them that you might have less disposable income than them. They might need the lesson of ending up out of pocket because you can’t contribute!

Your parents may prefer their own bed. Beds are very personal choices. Although Whereas a walk in shower is almost certainly the best idea.Not many elderly people (include me) can manage getting in and , even more likely, getting out of a bath without serious risk of a fall. There is also the possibility they may get stuck in the bath with no means of getting out. You can’t afford to contribute and it is up to your siblings to sort things out. Of course your parents should be paying. Just tell them that unfortunately there is no way you can contribute. In today’s economic climate this should be perfectly understood. If they have any common sense they will understand that your circumstances are different and your priority is your daughter as your parents can afford things themselves. Trouble is that elderly people don’t tend to want change or disruption.

Agree with others who s!y shouldn't be getting something like thi@ without a proper assessment. My mother was kent a proper electric bed after being assessdd, it went back to be used by simeind else after she died.
How would your siblings feel if after this arrived your parents were properly assessed and it turned out to be a white elephant
Even for an electric user chair you need to be measured fot, wrong size is not going to help
The proper equipment is so important, baffling around like this can delay getting what they need
They need to be checked over medically to see if there is anything physically wrong that needs dealing with
Been there done that with siblings and it has delayed getting what us needed

Surely your siblings, and your parents, must know your circumstances are far different from theirs and I cannot for the life of me think why they would put you in this situation, it is so unkind and thoughtless of them. I would simply tell them you do not have that kind of resource and, if that makes you feel guilty, offer to be available to give practical physical help and assistance as your “contribution”, but personally I don’t feel you should need to. They are being thoughtless and mean minded in their attitude to you and they need to face facts.

I agree your siblings are being very unfair expecting you to contribute. Tell them you’re sorry but you can’t afford to help out and as your parents have adequate funds they should be paying themselves although it sounds as though they don’t even want this equipment.

Your parents should have an OT assessment. Following several falls my mother had a home visit from the OT. Within a very short time she had a guard rail put on her bed to stop her falling out, her sofa was raised, she also has a perching stool for the kitchen and a raised toilet seat plus other bits & pieces, all provided on loan following the assessment. Things she has purchased herself impulsively and against our advice include a big ugly reclining chair that cost a fortune and is never used and a curved table on wheels that just clutters the place up & is basically used to store things on. A waste of money and space.
Unless your siblings have some kind of expertise in this area they could easily end up purchasing something that’s is not fit for purpose and will be a total waste of their money.

I agree just explain that all families have different budgets and you are not in a position to contribute. “ I too love our parents but cannot afford this”

Over the years I have found the following to be a very useful "starting phrase", when needing to make something clear;
"Can I make this absolutely clear, so that there is no misunderstanding....."
Perhaps you need to put something like this in writing for your siblings? (Obviously continuing with your own reasons for NOT contributing to resources for your parents.)

I agree with all previous posters and think there has been some very good advice here.
I would however add that my darling
DIL is a prime example of a culture which strongly believes in the children supporting the parents regardless of their means, and if this is the situation in which you find yourself then may I extend my sympathies for your predicament? Between your guilt as a daughter and cultural pressures you may well be in a very difficult situation.
I’m not asking, btw, just empathising - potentially. Either way, don’t pay & don’t let pressure or guilt control your happiness.

I agree that your DP need to be assessed. Both DM and DH were loaned NHS beds when these were required.
DH also had a reclining chair, bath aids, commode etc.
After he died I returned most things but they refused to take back the chair so I gave it away. These things are expensive.

As for your parents not wanting to spend their money: My DMiL is the same. She will turn off the heating and shiver. I get quite cross with her. She's 97 and what is she saving for?

Please don't feel bad about this. Your siblings want to do something but you don't have to join in. You could contact the Social services.

Thank you for all the useful information, tips and thoughts, x