Husband’s moods spoiling things

Has your husband got children of his own?

He sounds a bit jealous of your close family. Could this be behind it? It must be very difficult for you.

Well, have you asked why he resents you doing things for the family? Can you sit down to discuss calmly how you resolve the ongoing tension? There might be compromises to be made on both sides to find a balance. Are there things he is missing out on because you are tied up with family?
When it comes down to a "choice" between your husband and your family, I think it would be quite a negatitve thing to say to a husband as it automatically makes him second fiddle. I'd probably explain that what seems like jealousy to you is unattractive and asking him how you could reframe that as a couple. Quite honestly though, the ball is firmly in his court.

It is an irony though because men often fall in love with their wives because they are generous of spirit with their family and then resent it when you carry on being like that!

I’ll admit to doing a lot for them. But it’s what my Grandma did for us so to me it’s natural. I will admit my DD can be lazy but she’s mine. Also I didn’t mention that my DH does a lot for her around her home and by way of lifts. I can see his point of view but feel caught in the middle as I enjoy what I do and it means I get to see the family regularly for which I know I’m very lucky.

Today because I’m spending the afternoon with my DGS he’s sulking even though he has a big garden project to do.

Was he intending to do the garden project today anyway? Or does he have little option because you won't be around?
Does he maybe feel you never have plans where he comes first?

It's fine to put your family first for something important but not so much if you treat their every little whim as your first priority.

Meant to say he has a daughter to whom he’s close but she doesn’t live nearby. Yes he was intending spending all weekend on the project. We do loads together. We are NT members and go for walks, to pubs…all over the place. He says my family put on me. Maybe they do but I’m happy with it. Besides that, he’s welcome to come with me wherever I go but often doesn’t want to as he enjoys working. I just can’t stand sulkers as I’m not one and can’t understand it.

Perhaps you could make a deal: you do a little less for your "lazy" daughter and he does less sulking.

I wonder if he thinks your helping the lazy daughter is not actually really helping her but enabling her laziness and he's irritated by that rather than sulky.

Hissy fits and sulking, just because he doesn't get his own way is childish and I'd be asking him to discuss it like an adult, come to a compromise that suits you both or, if he's not able or willing to do that, I'd just be trucking on with what suits me and leave him to stew. Sulking is manipulative behaviour.

Thanks, Chewbacca. That’s what I think.

Had to run off cos DH wanted a hand with some scaffolding.

Meant to finish by saying could the "sulking" be resentment that your lazy daughter is taking advantage of you and he doesn't like to see her do that, for your sake?

Whilst sulking is manipulative, I find that often I am accused of sulking when I am actually trying to think through a problem, how to tackle it with good grace and whether it is worth the making more of it. I just have a resting bitch face and am deep in thought. The more someone keeps on at me, the more my smile muscles freeze.
It does seem more to this as your husband does help out with your family. It may be that he has a point and may feel that you are not doing your 'lazy' daughter any favours. My husband lets me do what I think I need to do with my family but he does sometimes point out that I am not teaching my daughter to be an adults if I am always rescuing her. I also find I am doing things for her because her husband is not doing his bit and I must admit my husband does think I am just prolonging the agony.

Yes my DH says if I keep helping out my DD will never do anything for herself. But she’s the apple of my eye as is my DGS. I can somewhat see why DH feels like this but I wouldn’t ever mind if the boot was on the other foot and he was doing things for his family. I don’t see this situation ever changing. But now and again I start thinking what would life be like without him and that’s worrying.

what would life be like without him and that’s worrying.

Sounds as if you need a compromise.

But she’s the apple of my eye as is my DGS.

There is no reason why letting her be a responsible adult and role modelling that for her children should stop you from seeing them in this way. It is often kinder to take a step backwards because one day, she will probably have to manage without you. She will find that much more difficult if she hasn't learned to get off her backside. Sometimes, we have to play the long game for the sake of our children's happiness which is much more important than them being the apple of your eye.
I don't mean that unkindly because I understand that sometimes rescuing people fulfils a need in you which is hard to define.

I suppose it depends on a few different factors, but I would find it hard to be with someone I considered a bit of a doormat to their children.
Then again, I couldn't stand a sulker either.

Have you had a chat with your daughter about this, or is it non negotiable, for you?

DH says if I keep helping out my DD will never do anything for herself.

He's right.
You are not really helping her.

Skydancer

Meant to say he has a daughter to whom he’s close but she doesn’t live nearby. Yes he was intending spending all weekend on the project. We do loads together. We are NT members and go for walks, to pubs…all over the place. He says my family put on me. Maybe they do but I’m happy with it. Besides that, he’s welcome to come with me wherever I go but often doesn’t want to as he enjoys working. I just can’t stand sulkers as I’m not one and can’t understand it.

as you are happy doing things for your family, then that is your choice and your husband should respect that.
perhaps he did not realise when you got married that you would be doing so much with your own family and so feels left out?
I think you should talk to him about this, in a nice understanding way.

FarNorth

^DH says if I keep helping out my DD will never do anything for herself.^

He's right.
You are not really helping her.

I agree FarNorth I think you enjoy being part of her life Skydancer but maybe it's time for her to be a bit more independent and less lazy.
Time for an honest conversation and some compromise from you and your husband I think.

Perhaps your husband can see no end in sight to you doing so much for your daughter, and there probably won't be, unless one of you eases off a bit.
It sounds quite co-dependent (to coin a phrase)
Mind you, sulking won't fix it.

Is he moody because he isn't getting your time and attention?
Because that would be controlling behaviour and it's not right to tell you how much time to spend with family.

Or

Does he feel you are setting yourself on fire to keep others warm?
If your DD can't manage without you, that must be wonderful to be wanted and needed but can you keep up this level forever? Are you still able to enjoy plenty of time as a couple? Do your opans get dropped for you to go running? When does she learn to stand on her own feet?

I think you need to really think about where his thoughts are coming from because that would have a huge impact on how to resolve this

But now and again I start thinking what would life be like without him and that’s worrying.

Maybe he's thinking what would like be like without you Skydancer as he's the one who's unhappy with the way things are?

life, not like

If I had to choose it would be family first.

So husband doesn't count as family ?

Says it all.

The issue here seems deeper than his sulking really, though that is not a helpful way of dealing with problems! But the sulking is a response to something, a symptom not a cause!

I think that to find a way forward you and he need to have a proper conversation about how each of you feels, really listening properly to each others perspective. From what you have said so far this looks like:

You:
*love helping out when needed
*love spending time with your family
*see the helping as a way of seeing more of your family
*know your daughter relies on you but don't mind
*don't agree with his comments about being taken advantage of , don't mind if you are!
*are fed up of his sulking because you are with your family

He:
*doesn't like the amount of time you spend with /doing things for your family
*thinks you are being taken advantage of
*gets cross/moody/sulks when you are doing things with/for your family
*thinks you are doing your daughter no favours long term as you always "rescue" her

If you look at those lists, can you perhaps see the different views of the same scenario coming through? That is why a proper conversation is needed, really listening to each other. Followed by a discussion about ways forward to deal with the issue together that works for your partnership as well as your individual needs - acceptance of viewpoints, compromises, acceptance that the other might just have a point maybe?

I do also think that you need to think carefully about ensuring your daughter doesn't end up falling flat on her face if and when you can't help so much!