How will you cope

I lost my husband to pancreatic cancer after a short awful illness. We had been married 42 years. It was a terrible time as our daughter had just given birth and was coping with her dad's death and a new baby. Somehow I had to cope and realised it was sink or swim. Luckily I had a good group of friends and joined WAY UP a support organisation. I have 2 sons as well and we became closer than ever. That's not to say I didn't spend time distraught or drinking too much but was always able to see some joy in life mostly from my grandchildren. To everyone who has lost a partner or is coping with an OH with a serious illness I send my love and best wishes.
I have now remarried last year to a widower and we speak about our late partners, miss and mourn them too. Our life is very different than how we had expected it to be but its good.

I'd manage I suppose because I'd have to but I would not be able to stay in our home because it would be too big to deal with by myself - and I'd miss him terribly. On the positive side our family is in reasonably easy distance should I need help - but I would try to carry on as per usual as I'd hate to think my family would feel obliged to look after me when they have their own needs to attend to

Thanks to all of you who have shared your experiences. I have found it very helpful, although we both expect a few years yet, who knows?
Any my condolences to those of you at all the stages of grief.

Don’t waste a minute of your time together by worrying. I couldn’t imagine facing life alone, but over a year after his death, I still feel my husband is around. We spent so long in this room, me in this chair and him in bed, that it has the same feel.
He too had Parkinson’s, and I wouldn’t want him back like he was, but have so many happy memories of when he was himself.
Share your memories while you can. You will carry on for both of you.

So sad for you fiorentina and send a hug

Unfortunately this is something I think about a lot since my dad died 2 years ago and I see just how it’s affected my mum.
I know I could cope alone but the thought of it fills me with dread. We are still fairly young - mid 50s - and have been together since we were 20. He knows me better than I know myself and loves me totally. He’s never let me down or treated me badly and we are one of those couples that just love each other’s company.
As much as I dread him going first, I would be so sad for him if I do as I don’t think he would cope at all.

Sorry for all of you who last their partner. To answer your question Theadora, it would be best if my husband went first as we as a family don't think he could cope on his own without me and would be very dependent on my DD. Which I think is unfair as he can be quite demanding.

Me, on the other hand don't require the attention my H wants and although I am happy with my own company, I would carry on regardless. Hope this doesn't sound too selfish.

I’ve been my husbands carer and that’s been 26 years. I lost him then to stroke…. now his mind is going and I’m losing him completely ! He’s deaf so we can’t really have a conversation in his lucid times and spends his day in front of tv ( 16 hours)
I’m responsible for everything to do with house work/ decor/finance /garden/ bill paying! He is now incapable of anything !
Last year I had small stroke and was hospitalised for 5 days in a stroke unit… he had to go into respite( 6 weeks)….I was unbelievably relieved. I was able to w wry thing in house and garden that’s been needing doing for years!!! I accomplished so much. I put on a little weight. I looked better. I felt better, I was healthier ( all this after stroke). I cried when I knew they were sending him home . I’m depleted by looking after him….I don’t sleep nor than three hours a night, and once again I’m on my knees… having lost all the advantage last years respite gave me. I’ve lost a stone in weight! Nobody listens to me….it seems as long as I’m standing up he’s my responsibility . To answer your question… I hope I go first and I hope it’s soon!

Suedonimyou said your sister was a burden on her children

If your children can't be kind to you and help you at your worse time then what's the point of having family

They should not forget that she took care of them, most probably put them first, stayed up with them when they were unwell, cooked for them cleaned up after them and probably much more

So why now that SHE needs some support some love some and some kindness your branding her a Burden

This is a soft spot for me because I too felt a burden to my children but I shouldn't have

I should of been made to feel loved and taken care of but I was not and I think that's wrong

I felt alone. I felt let down by the people that I hoped would be there for me, spend some time with me because when I was around them the pain was less

But they had no time for me neither of them so I was abandoned Yes a strong word but I did

But I got through it alone and I'm nearly OK now

So if your family make you feel a burden it's THEM that's doing something wrong not you

All those that have lost their DH it will be OK I promise it will

It was a big burden on her children, actually, and I think it’s quite selfish to not make yourself as resilient as possible in practical terms.
When my friend's husband died many years ago she had no clue about their finances, how to pay a bill etc. He had been ill but functioning well for a while so I don't know why they didn't sort all this out.

Saggi I am so sorry to hear about the difficult life you have had. You have been a brick and have done the very best for your husband. It sounds as if he needs professional care now or at least frequent periods of respite care so that you can recharge your batteries. Could this be arranged ?

Yes sagging I agree with greenfinch I have sent you a PM there is lots of help you can get

I'm so sorry for the typi saggi

My lovely husband died at 9.55 yesterday. We were married for 31 years. It was a second marriage for both of us and we had a very happy marriage and lived in our own little bubble most of the time. Today I feel like I'm in a different world lost and dreading the future. I have one of my daughters and my stepson staying with me and I'm not sure how I will cope when I'm finally on my own. But we were able to prepare for his death and he put everything in order to help me. I will have a life, a different old age to what I wanted but I will, in time I hope start to live my 'new' life without him.

GardenofEngland

Theodora, to be totally dependent on your children when you have no reason to not do things for yourself is being burden. How much time do you expect someone with a newborn baby or four children under four years old to be able to spend on your unnecessary helplessness?

My sister’s Dh was 20 years older than her and had lifelong physical disabilities so although his death was sudden, the possibility that she would either need to step up if his disability worsened or he died first should have been part of their planning. I really am talking about being unable to do anything. Her children spent repeated sessions at bank machines trying to explain to her how to get cash out of them, how to deal with utilities bills and so on. She was only in her 50’s so not elderly.

I’d be ashamed to be reliant on people to do things that everyone else could do and take them away from their families. I adored my sister but her learned helplessness was infuriating.

GardenofEngland I am so sorry.

GardenofEngland You are in my thoughts tonight.

I'm really frightened of losing my husband, he is also my carer, and between us we bumble along, but without him there'd be no point.

I hope my OH goes first as I know he will he useless without me ! He has no idea how much we pay for things etc!
He also does not have a circle of friends! I have a good social life , friends etc so I would cope !

I was 50 when my husband died suddenly at the airport in Crete. I was in shock for a while, he hadn't been ill and we were on our way home at the end of a fabulous holiday. The only way I can describe those early months of grief is being in a bubble with life going on around. I was told by a friend, who had gone through it 'no matter how you feel, if you get an invitation to anything be it to go for a walk, go for a coffee, go out for a drink, accept the invitation ... it won't lessen the pain or the grief but for an hour or two just getting a break from being in the house will help'. Eventually those dark clouds start to part and some sunshine starts to break through. This year I am retiring from work and it's hard to believe that 15 years have passed since that life changing day. I have had the love and support of family and friends. I have made a 'new' life, a life that I enjoy although it's a different life to the one I expected. I think about my husband at some point every day, I miss him at some point most days, but then I think of how proud he would be at the way I have lived and enjoyed my life and can hear him saying 'Well done, my little smurf!'

I watched my Niece die of cancer at the age of 30 leaving 3 children aged 2, 4, and 6 the eldest child was devastated they where then looked after by their daddy. He died 6 months later at the age of 31 were the young boy found his daddy on the bathroom floor. I feel we that have been married to our partners for many years are very lucky. I lost my first husband when he was 53 I remarried 20 years ago and have a lovely hubby I do dread anything happening but I remind myself of the little children without both their mummy and daddy.

I think this thought crosses all our minds more and more as we age. We don’t want to be without our partners and we know it’s the same for them. Best not to dwell on it and make the most of whatever time we have together. Thinking of all on here who have been bereaved.

Some very sad circumstances here, to all who have lost a loved one, a prayer and a thought for you all.

Yesterday my DH was told that after recent tests the cancer has spread and chemotherapy could make him feel very unwell and even shorten the time he has left. This has all been a huge shock as up until 3 months ago he was running around chasing our grandchildren and walking for miles, one day fit and well and the next feeling exhausted. He is 75 and I am 66, I always thought that he would be the first to go but I always hoped he could at least get to mid 80s but someone has other plans. We are trying to make the best of each day and at the moment he is pain free but the horror of him not being here one day is overwhelming. We’ve had 47 happy years together, he is my world and I can’t imagine a life without him, someone to sit quietly with and laugh at the little day to day things. We have a wonderful DD and 2 lovely GC so I know I still have something to live for. We have also had the chance to sort out financial stuff and talk about his wishes which I know lots of people don’t get the chance to do. I’m sending hugs to all who have experienced loss. Someone once said that when you lose someone close you can be in a room full of people and still feel so alone ?.