How will you cope

Don’t waste a minute of your time together by worrying. I couldn’t imagine facing life alone, but over a year after his death, I still feel my husband is around. We spent so long in this room, me in this chair and him in bed, that it has the same feel.
He too had Parkinson’s, and I wouldn’t want him back like he was, but have so many happy memories of when he was himself.
Share your memories while you can. You will carry on for both of you.

Thanks to all of you who have shared your experiences. I have found it very helpful, although we both expect a few years yet, who knows?
Any my condolences to those of you at all the stages of grief.

I'd manage I suppose because I'd have to but I would not be able to stay in our home because it would be too big to deal with by myself - and I'd miss him terribly. On the positive side our family is in reasonably easy distance should I need help - but I would try to carry on as per usual as I'd hate to think my family would feel obliged to look after me when they have their own needs to attend to

I lost my husband to pancreatic cancer after a short awful illness. We had been married 42 years. It was a terrible time as our daughter had just given birth and was coping with her dad's death and a new baby. Somehow I had to cope and realised it was sink or swim. Luckily I had a good group of friends and joined WAY UP a support organisation. I have 2 sons as well and we became closer than ever. That's not to say I didn't spend time distraught or drinking too much but was always able to see some joy in life mostly from my grandchildren. To everyone who has lost a partner or is coping with an OH with a serious illness I send my love and best wishes.
I have now remarried last year to a widower and we speak about our late partners, miss and mourn them too. Our life is very different than how we had expected it to be but its good.

I lost my husband 3 months ago. I think I'm coping better than he would have done; apart from emotionally, I did all the official organising the house, and he wouldn't have known where to start. He also had multiple health problems (hence his death) and couldn't have managed on his own. So although it's hard, I'm happy he wasn't left on his own.

As with others here I just cope. I think for me the grief felt by my children was so overwhelming that I could only be mum and my grief was subdued. My daughter (unkindly) said once “ you can get a new partner, I can’t get another dad”. I did know what she meant but it’s impossible to compare loss. I lost my love of 44 years and the one person who truly knew me. My day to day life has changed forever. I am well aware of how lucky I was to have had such love in my life and I think my gratitude for that has kept me sane. I also echo the Covid thing too, John died in late September 2019 and I had him at home until the end. I have no doubt he would have for Covid and I may not have been able to be with him all the way if he had survived longer. I miss him every day. I don’t cry much though.

Kemers - am so sorry to read of your situation. I am still "all at sea" despite being widowed over 2 years ago. I dont greet life very enthusiastically these days, despite being very active. No happy ending to a happy marriage sadly.

I lost my husband 2 months ago and let me tell you this is the first kind of hell . Ive never hurt this bad ,we were married april 11,1986 this man has been the one person I knew he had my back no matter what. He was my best friend for almost 40 years. Im so lost and lonely . He always made the money we lived on I was a stay at home mom . Now I have no money my best friend is not here for me and im so scared. My daughter and son-in-law are trying to help but they are barely scraping by. So now im 52 and so damn lost

Since DH's career and frequent absences meant I have always been the Family Manager, that side causes me no problems.

However, DH is never seen without a screw driver in his hands and, apart from decorating, I leave all DIY to him. Now that will cause me problems. I will probably need to find a friendly Home handyman and PAY him!!!!!!!!!!!

I married my husband when I was 16 he is my life, my love and my best friend so no I would not cope. He is 6 years older than me so chances are I will be left alone.

Mum died in November after 70 years of marriage. Dad has never lived alone before and, whist appreciating his huge loss, it’s very hard for the family (I’m the only daughter, son is estranged).
Dad will only engage with me. I live 100 miles away and work full time. He tells me every day that it’s a bad day and he hasn’t seen anyone. I’ve visited a local social club which meets daily but he won’t go. The doctor tried to refer him to their social team but he was out of the door pronto. I do know it’s hard but don’t know how to encourage him to socialise. He has always been a cup half empty person.

As a grief psychotherapist (both paid and hospice volunteer) I can only say that some people cope, and some just don't. We consider vulnerability in bereavement to be about three factors - personal resilience, the degree of overwhelm felt about the death, and the extent to which the bereaved feels s/he has to control natural feelings to cry/scream etc. What is helpful taking the opportunity to make good memories before the death - not always possible I know, but so many people suffer with prolonged grief disorder because they assume guilt over poor relationships - lots of 'if only I'd done ...' - so while we have partners/spouses we would do well to make every day count.

I think it only prudent , if the marriage is still run along ‘traditional ‘ lines like SueDonim’s sister, for both parties to sharpen up their act if necessary - women to learn finance and basic DIY , and men how to shop, cook etc. Then there won’t be an extra burden on AC . Thankfully more marriages seem to have evolved from that model .

Marmight You sink or swim but you are never truly happy again. That is one of the most poignant things I’ve ever read.

My sister’s husband died suddenly and she was as helpless as a child because he did everything that wasn’t connected to the house or family. She didn’t even know how to get money from the bank. It was a big burden on her children, actually, and I think it’s quite selfish to not make yourself as resilient as possible in practical terms.

Isummer that is heartbreaking to be facing, and trying to carry on as normal while you can. Sending you and everyone on here who has, or is facing such loss much love.
My husband was admitted to ICU with covid before Xmas 2020 and from a dim realisation that I might shortly be a widow, I felt completely numb. I was pretty ill myself at the time with covid as well, so was in a state of confusion and illness, so I guess the true enormity of such an outcome was hidden from me. Thankfully he recovered.

My husband died 15 years ago, he was 57 and I was 54. I coped ok . We had been married for 35 years at that time and I was always the organiser in the marriage.
If I’d have died first I don’t think he would have managed nearly so well

merlotgran

You just have to get on with it!

What other option is there?

This, no choice sink or swim.

??To you Blossom 14 x

Fiorentina I am so so sorry to read of your loss

So very sorry for your loss Fiorentina and hoping your friends and family offer much needed emotional and practical support. I guess none of us know what our reaction to such a huge loss would be until it happens.

Grantanow, Ive learned online banking for this very reason, also got husband to show me how he does other household stuff online. Im really glad I did this. I also learned how to use a smartphone. I'm no expert, but I am trying to prepare to be able to cope on my own. At least with day to day stuff. I still don't think I will cope well though. We have been together many years. I really do dread if he departs before me, but you have to make the best of the life you have together. Life really is fleeting.

You just have to get on with it - decide whether you will sink or swim. I decided to swim. It took a while but I got there eventually. I still find the worse part is opening the front door to an empty home.

Losing the partner who is adept at online banking and bill paying is likely to be a big problem for the non-adept survivor. A consequence of the digital world.

I would ‘cope’, because that’s what I do. To all who are dealing with such a loss, my condolences.

I feel I have borne many, many difficulties in my life, but I am not prepared in any way for losing my husband. He’s super fit, from a line of long-lived ancestors, and ten years younger than me, so on paper he should outlive me by many years, but I know all it takes is an accident or catastrophic illness and he’d be gone. We live very independent lives, so we’re far from being in each other’s pockets, but it’s true to say that without him I would be incomplete - he’s quite simply the light of my life.

Good post Hetty - I expressed it as “there is no rehearsal for losing your life’s partner” - nothing can prepare you for the reality, it is bearable, yes, life goes on, but also unimaginable -so apart from the practicalities for which many of us are responsible anyway, I don’t think I am overstating it to say you cannot say or know in advance.