How do I reply?

I have a very close friend who is both a Conservative voter and a Christian. She is a kind friend who is very much a product of her upper-class upbringing and has no first-hand experience, or understanding, of life on the margins. On a one-to-one basis she would give the clothes off her back to someone in need, but nevertheless continues to believe in ‘the feckless poor’ needing to work harder etc. - and I am the only person in her life who comes from a working class background.

Even though her world view is a million miles from my own, she is a dear friend and so I have listened carefully to her opinions. I can honestly say that her views, over the years, have been modified (albeit slowly) due directly to our discussions, which, coming from a place of love and respect cause her to consider anew some of her long held opinions.

I would remind your friend that in the period following WW2 food, clothes fuel and many other things were rationed. These rations applied to all regardless of their socio-economic status. Of course the rich could afford to buy on the "black market" but that was very much frowned upon and could get you ostricised by your neighbours. There was also a rather different sense of community in the early 1950s which I can remember as a young child.

All that has gone - that sense of community and helping others. Now its a much more individualistic and selfish society.

Agree with others that you shouldn’t bring politics in to friendships. Additionally, people are entitled to their opinion.

You, yourself, grew up in poverty, worked hard and are comfortably well off. You worked hard, buckled down - just as your friend is describing. So you’re actually the epitome of what she’s saying. Doesn’t matter if she herself came from money or married a man who became successful. Her opinion is still valid.

Ooo effalump you've got me guessing now!! I'm intrigued. Are you someone 'in the know'?

I'm having to learn not to argue a point when someone doesn't agree with me. It's not that I always think I'm right but that I'm as entitled to an opinion as everyone else but during the lat two years, I've been made to feel like my opinion doesn't count. One thing I do believe though, is that by the end of April we will all have much more to be optimistic about. But if I told you why, now, you'd probably laugh and roll your eyes. So for now, it's a secret.

I’m sure your friend has the same opinion about your views.

Modompodom I have a similar situation with a very long term friend. It’s difficult isn’t it. I did say something in the end and the friendship is hanging by a thread. Her partner said it was interesting hearing a different view as all their friends had the same views as they did. I felt a bit like an interesting but irrelevant object to be peered and wondered at.

Thanks for all your contributions! DH and I are having a tough health time at the mo so we’re in touch more often. I did tell her about our local hospital having been run down and that I made sure I met our new (useless! con) MP so she would know who writes to her from time to time.
I did say we’ll have to agree to disagree on Rishi. Down the years, when we lived nearby, if we had something awkward to discuss we would stand up, shoulder to shoulder and both look out of the window while talking! ? it works for us.

After reading the question again "What on Earth can I say to that?" I thought, if its so much trouble, maybe just say nothing and let the friendship go- or let her comment go over your head and carry on, if you are able.

I am heartily sick of hearing the right wing views of many in the U3A groups that I have joined. What makes it ok for people to air offensive views but wrong for someone to challenge them? These unpleasant views have bad effects on real human beings. We'll just be on a group walk or something and someone is mouthing off, actually thinking that their cruel, racist views are ok. The latest that I have heard from people in different groups is that historical slavery is over emphasised when we should be concentrating on modern slavery. Or that the white working class have had a hard time so why get upset about racism and colonialist oppression of black people? Why can't all evils be deplored? Because many British people want to ignore where British wealth and advantage came from. I don't engage with it much but I should because not challenging it allows oppression to flourish. It actually makes my blood boil and I will call out the next person who spouts racism under this guise. I am just in groups with these people, I certainly wouldn't want them as friends.

“I want to say she just reinforces the view that Conservatives have no idea how the other half live; that Rishi should try-on paper at least-to live on the incomes of some of the poorest, low paid folk with no family money safety net.”

That’s what I’d say to her.

I'd ignore the remarks, and start up a new, neutral conversation.

I never discuss politics, religion or sex with my friends.

I have a friend who I have known for over 20 years, and we meet fairly regularly. We have opposing political views, and I never bring up the subject of politics as we have plenty of other things to talk about. However she will insist on bringing up politics and trying to get me into a discussion about something political. I always sidestep it and change the subject as it makes me feel uncomfortable, and I don’t want a good friendship to be ruined.

I think you must accept her views, unless of course you are happy to lose a friend.
She’s had different experiences, that doesn’t make her experiences better than yours.
Your background and the fact you’ve worked will probably have made you stronger, embrace that.

I'm with Maryan on this.
I don't think it's fair or decent to clump everyone together by their beliefs.
I vote Tory, I live in Scotland, now there's a challenge.

Newquay - I'm struggling to work out how this person can be described as a 'dear lifelong friend' when you seem to share no values. It's clear that her principles are things she believes in and is quite prepare to voice, not sure why you hide yours. As for Christianity, her version seems to differ from the one associated with charity.

As the conversation has come back to faith/religion I'd say a lot depends on how deep the faith is. Some people say they are "Christian" because they were Christened as a baby. Some people are Christian through their own decision as an adult, some live in a Christian way every day and some don't give a thought to their faith unless it's a Sunday.

Just saying you both have "the same faith" doesn't solve everything because there can still be a lot of differences, even though I already said it's good to look for common ground (if you can find it)

Newquay sorry you’ve had this said to you. I might avoid the subject to keep the friendship OR (sorry for religious content GN) bring the convo back to what Christ said about the poor and sick. Does she give to charity even if she doesn’t understand? Lots of faiths require charitable giving to those who have the resources, to aid those less fortunate?

That’s a harsh generalisation. I’m from a working class background. I can’t believe that folk still perpetuate the believe that all ‘conservatives’ are well to do and have ‘no idea how the other half live’. I am the other half, have never been left a penny, pay my bills through grafting over a lifetime of regular work. Does that put me in the same bracket as Rishi because I vote conservative?

My parents and my parents in law didn't have a lot of money. They brought up their children with less luxuries and much simpler lives. There are people who are struggling I am aware of that and I hope they get some help. I am not rich, I have money that my late husband and I managed to save and invest in once our children grew up. However there are people who have and do buck the system and claim benefits when they should be working or at least trying to work. There are people who have very many luxuries and don't work while I know people who have two jobs and are worse off. The benefit system is not working properly but it would cost far more to put it right and to employ people to fairly check out the claims. When it comes to the replacement of the jobs lost by technology neither party has done anything to alleviate that situation as it has been going on for a long time. The work ethic has disappeared. In May 2024 and for at least five to ten years after we shall see if anything changes, I am not going to hold my breath having seen a change of Government many times. What happened over the last two years (Pandemic and Brexit) was unprecedented and somethings were done correctly and some weren't.

Why do you want to go back to your friend to tell her how wrong she is? You know she’s unlikely to change her mind. The current trend to censor/‘cancel’ anyone who doesn’t agree with us ‘right thinking’ people - Brexit, Covid, lifestyle choices and so on - also serves to reduce free speech and stifle individuality. But we can’t always be right either, can we? And I’m sure your friend has lots of opinions with which you agree wholeheartedly, which is why you like each other. Your strength of feeling about poverty is entirely justified (I think, but that’s just IMO) so maybe it would be worthwhile to set yourself a goal to do some small thing to help (maybe through the Church or an action group) instead of directing your frustration at your friend? You could then have real experiences and facts to tell her about which might catch her interest. Actions speak louder than words.

Gosh Lilyflower where do you live? I live in a Tory stronghold ..it does not feel like that here! It is all a bit new right but to be fair the few avuncular Tories do hand out largesse to the deserving poor, lame and unfortunates.

“she just reinforces the view that Conservatives have no idea how the other half live; ”

Your friend might lack empathy but Conservatives decidedly do not. Mostly, they are decent, responsible and caring folk. Isn’t it prejudging to lump everyone together?

I doubt her Christianity. Would she have told Lazarus to stop being a lazy bum?

Two things I never discuss, not even with my best friends, religion and politics. I'm not argumentative so don't give anyone a chance to argue over these things.