How to say "No"

How exciting making plans so far in advance! That would be my worst nightmare being given so much notice. I would turn it around by saying you are now of a certain age and it’s your turn to be invited to other peoples houses as you really can’t cope having people to stay. So just say No, tough if they don’t like it. Sounds to me they don’t do anything to enhance your life, so if they take offence they are showing their true colours. It may turn out they say come to us instead as they want to spend time with you whether at yours or theirs. By saying no and being truthful is the best way.

“…thank you but I have other plans.” A useful phrase for many different situations

OP, surely you are “going to The Canaries” at Christmas - aren’t you? ?
….it doesn’t matter if it “gets cancelled” nearer the time ?

I find from experience that saying "no" is far easier than nodding in agreement. It's totally liberating!

We used to have a constant stream of friends staying for weekends. All lovely people
but I eventually found the pressure too much and told them the truth. I now book a night in a hotel if I want to see family or friends. Easier all round, even with close family.

So my advice would be to cancel your in-laws visit. You
don't need an excuse but as as someone else suggested it would be nice to suggest a pre-Christmas evening out.
Does your OH want them to come.....

Good luck

Dickens

PinkCosmos

I agree with Dickens. Tell them that it is way to early to think about Christmas.

My MIL has a tendency to say, 'we will come to you at Christmas'. I put up with this for years. She started saying this around August. For the last few years I have said that I don't know what our plans will be over Christmas as we might be invited elsewhere.

I do feel a bit mean when my husband points out that at 87 she may not have many for Christmases left. The way she is going she will outlive us!!

... I think you might have to grit your teeth pretty soon - if you've declined her self-invite for a few years... you don't want to be riddled with guilt if the inevitable happens sooner than you anticipate...

Having said that, it really does amaze me that people start thinking about Christmas so early in the year - unless it's some big kind of family reunion where a lot has to be planned in advance. But I'd never invite myself, not even with family

We went to my DS and DIL last Christmas. MIL came on Boxing Day instead. She last came to us on Christmas Day in 2019 and had been every year before that, along with my SIL and BIL.

Covid affected the last two Christmases to some extent.

MIL seems to forget that I also have family on my side - plus a young grandchild now.

We don't have enough room to accommodate everyone

I think if your OH OK'd their visit on the phone and is reluctant to ring and tell them no, then I would phone them myself and say 'I gather OH agreed to your coming here for Christmas this year? They will say yes, then you say 'Well, apart from the fact that it's far too early to be making plans for Christmas, in all honesty I found hosting you last time was too much for me, so I'm afraid I won't be able to do it again. If they come back with, 'Oh we'll help more, we didn't realise, etc', just say 'no, I'm sorry, but I just find having visitors for more than a few hours at a time too much for me these days, but if you'd like to get together for a drink or meal somewhere, then perhaps we can arrange something like that nearer the time'. Hopefully that will make things clear without being offensive in any way.

Good grief, talk about forward planning! GraffaC and I have started going away for Christmas, both adult children had no quarrel with this and wish us well each time. We then get together some other time when there's less pressure to all have a jolly time!

"No! I have made other arrangements. At least you now have time to do the same!"

.......

"No! I do now want to change my arrangements. At least you have time to make other arrangements too!"

.....

"No! I am staying at home alone/just us/visiting other friends/going on a Xmas break?...."

....

"No! I want a quiet Christmas, no visitors this year!" ...repeat repeat repeat!!

Maybe doing the rounds and who ever is the first to invite them.?
If you truly want xmas to be about who you want to spend it with or how you want it to be, now is the time to put your cards on the table and stick to it.

GrammaH. I agree. Expectations are so high at Christmas which has evolved into a huge spend and gorge fest. I wonder how many really dread this time of year, and would prefer a smaller and less stressful celebration but are frightened to break with family “tradition”.
Be bold I say.

Unbelievable! What is wrong with saying to the OH that he must speak to his family pronto and explain that they have been confused about Christmas? You are not having anyone to stay and may be going away. Who knows what the next few months will bring anyway! If he won’t ring them, you must, and explain in words of one syllable that they are misguided about Christmas.

This is my view.
I wouldn't want to offend them and it's nice they want to come. I would just say that you both find it too much to cope with now, but you would love to see them so could we book you into a hotel for a couple of nights either before or after Christmas (obviously over Christmas would be very expensive).
We do this and our children and gc love it.

?Is this a joke..not even April's fool Day

Just say the word.....*NO*. You are under no obligation to explain or give excuses. This could get you tied up in knots anyway.

Such an easy word to say. I’m assuming your husband feels the same way?

It's 9 months away - tell them you haven't even thought about Christmas (who the hell has?). Then, in October or November, feign illness.

Feign illness? Why?
Just say you can’t have them at Christmas. The sky won’t fall in, and you will feel mightily relieved. Meet up with them another time if you want.

Just say no and stick to your decision

I hardly know what I'm doing at Easter, let alone Christmas! It's too far away to plan anything.
Anyway, if you and your other half don't want to, then don't give in.

Does your OH want to have them to stay? They are his family after all.
I would ring them and express surprise they are thinking about Christmas this early but you'd love to see them on say (stipulate day) and assume they will be staying overnight.
Then go on to mention that you need to be honest and confess that you are finding it a bit harder to do the whole entertaining thing as you get older but as they are family, of course they can just make themselves at home and in fact you would welcome their help at this busy time of year.
They might have left everything to you in the past as you just did it all and they might have felt awkward doing things in your house. This way the cards are on the table and who knows, if everyone (including OH) pulls their weight, you might even enjoy their company.
Good luck! Oh, and Merry Christmas! xx

janipans

Does your OH want to have them to stay? They are his family after all.
I would ring them and express surprise they are thinking about Christmas this early but you'd love to see them on say (stipulate day) and assume they will be staying overnight.
Then go on to mention that you need to be honest and confess that you are finding it a bit harder to do the whole entertaining thing as you get older but as they are family, of course they can just make themselves at home and in fact you would welcome their help at this busy time of year.
They might have left everything to you in the past as you just did it all and they might have felt awkward doing things in your house. This way the cards are on the table and who knows, if everyone (including OH) pulls their weight, you might even enjoy their company.
Good luck! Oh, and Merry Christmas! xx

They might have left everything to you in the past as you just did it all and they might have felt awkward doing things in your house. This way the cards are on the table and who knows, if everyone (including OH) pulls their weight, you might even enjoy their company.

... but that's a gamble.

No guest should simply just leave everything to the host if they are staying with them - unless the host specifically asks them to. The OP said she felt they took her for granted - which would imply they didn't offer any help.

If she tells them she'd love to see them - then she's committed herself and will probably fret from now 'til Christmas. And it's possible that overnight stay will extend and they'll want to stay another night.

Personally, I think it's rather inconsiderate of people to invite themselves so far in advance, family or not, because they are not factoring in the possibility that the OP might want to make other plans nearer the date.

I wouldn't accept it - wouldn't accept other family members deciding how I was going to spend Christmas so far in advance of the date.

... and even if guests do offer to help, it can still be stressful and tiring just having to be attentive the whole time to other people's needs and wants so as not to be anti-social.

Nice post Janipans

Early birds, what? Are they hiking up from Cape Town, hitching rides all the way? I have found that the only way to say no is, "No." Not even an I'm sorry, because I am not sorry to be saying no. If you want to qualify your no say that you have already not accepted to host anyone else (me!) so it wouldn't be nice and / or fair to host them,

Just so no you've not planned Easter yet. You will not be hosting Christmas 2022 or 2023 in case they want to book that as well.

Once you/ your OH have followed Grandma B' s advice, you will feel SO relieved, hands washed of it. Do it quickly and then don' t give it a second thought. Freeloaders ...

I'd say weve decided that will be looking ourselves to get away far more often, but offer to meet up for a meal sometime around then. That way you are not causing hurt feelings just changing the goal post to something you might be happier with.