How to say "No"

Good grief, talk about forward planning! GraffaC and I have started going away for Christmas, both adult children had no quarrel with this and wish us well each time. We then get together some other time when there's less pressure to all have a jolly time!

I think if your OH OK'd their visit on the phone and is reluctant to ring and tell them no, then I would phone them myself and say 'I gather OH agreed to your coming here for Christmas this year? They will say yes, then you say 'Well, apart from the fact that it's far too early to be making plans for Christmas, in all honesty I found hosting you last time was too much for me, so I'm afraid I won't be able to do it again. If they come back with, 'Oh we'll help more, we didn't realise, etc', just say 'no, I'm sorry, but I just find having visitors for more than a few hours at a time too much for me these days, but if you'd like to get together for a drink or meal somewhere, then perhaps we can arrange something like that nearer the time'. Hopefully that will make things clear without being offensive in any way.

Dickens

PinkCosmos

I agree with Dickens. Tell them that it is way to early to think about Christmas.

My MIL has a tendency to say, 'we will come to you at Christmas'. I put up with this for years. She started saying this around August. For the last few years I have said that I don't know what our plans will be over Christmas as we might be invited elsewhere.

I do feel a bit mean when my husband points out that at 87 she may not have many for Christmases left. The way she is going she will outlive us!!

... I think you might have to grit your teeth pretty soon - if you've declined her self-invite for a few years... you don't want to be riddled with guilt if the inevitable happens sooner than you anticipate...

Having said that, it really does amaze me that people start thinking about Christmas so early in the year - unless it's some big kind of family reunion where a lot has to be planned in advance. But I'd never invite myself, not even with family

We went to my DS and DIL last Christmas. MIL came on Boxing Day instead. She last came to us on Christmas Day in 2019 and had been every year before that, along with my SIL and BIL.

Covid affected the last two Christmases to some extent.

MIL seems to forget that I also have family on my side - plus a young grandchild now.

We don't have enough room to accommodate everyone

I find from experience that saying "no" is far easier than nodding in agreement. It's totally liberating!

We used to have a constant stream of friends staying for weekends. All lovely people
but I eventually found the pressure too much and told them the truth. I now book a night in a hotel if I want to see family or friends. Easier all round, even with close family.

So my advice would be to cancel your in-laws visit. You
don't need an excuse but as as someone else suggested it would be nice to suggest a pre-Christmas evening out.
Does your OH want them to come.....

Good luck

OP, surely you are “going to The Canaries” at Christmas - aren’t you? ?
….it doesn’t matter if it “gets cancelled” nearer the time ?

“…thank you but I have other plans.” A useful phrase for many different situations

How exciting making plans so far in advance! That would be my worst nightmare being given so much notice. I would turn it around by saying you are now of a certain age and it’s your turn to be invited to other peoples houses as you really can’t cope having people to stay. So just say No, tough if they don’t like it. Sounds to me they don’t do anything to enhance your life, so if they take offence they are showing their true colours. It may turn out they say come to us instead as they want to spend time with you whether at yours or theirs. By saying no and being truthful is the best way.

I am not as tactful as Grandmabatty frankly I would be having a “no way hose” discussion with my OH and if they wouldn’t ring today I would ! And it would NOT be polite

Surely it’s a bit early for Christmas planning?! Talk about wishing your life away.

You don't always have to give a reason when you say "no" - to anything - but it's sometimes necessary.

Always stick as close to the truth as possible, and always give a reason that they can't argue against.

Of course you can't tell them that last time they were a PITA, but you can say that you are not going to host next year because it's tiring and you plan to spend Christmas quietly, so they'll have to make other arrangements.

Don't leave it open-ended

Write NOW saying that you cannot have them for either Christmas or New Year this year.

Do not give any reasons, or express regret.

If they phone, simply repeat what you have said.

If they ask why, say you don't wish to discuss whys and wherefores and put down the phone.

When I was well into my 70s, 14 of the family descended to stay for Christmas. As 9 lived in the Far East it was a long haul flight and they had arranged a fortnight's holiday. Yes , they all did what they could but the event left me exhausted

The following year, younger son suggested we repeat the operation. I said that it was unfortunate but I could not cope and the answer was No. He was shocked because he and his brother and sisters had not realised how things had changed for the aged parents whereas they just saw it as a welcome return to the family home for the Christmas season.
Their solution..... as my daughter in law loves entertaining they would rent accommodation for Christmas and offer bed space to their sibs. D-i-l would bring provisions from the far East and cater daily for us, aged parents, and as many
of the family as wished.
They saved up all year for the visit.... were able to have a rollicking time and a daily feast with the rest of the family....they found meat and fish prices in the UK refreshingly low! and we were driven back home early

It was a wni win situation but had I not dared to mention the fact that I was no lnger young, they would not have realised, still viewing Christmas as remaining like that of their childhood

A bit premature in their planning we might never see Christmas let alone have people to stay. A bit of planning is ok but not that far ahead , ignore them and nearer the time if all is well tell them to freeload off another member of the family for a change.

Grandmabatty has it right, although SachaMac has a good idea too.
Sorting out C early sounds crazy, but we used to plan from one year to the next about who was hosting and when.

It’s ok to say no I don’t want you staying here for Christmas. We don’t want any visitors. Don’t explain or justify anything just keep saying no.

Is your OH prepared to cook and clean everything and let you sit with your feet up? If not, he also has to be told no, it’s not happening.

I’ve found people are more respectful if you have firm boundaries. What’s the worst that can happen? If they take offence it doesn’t sound like you’d be missing much with these chancers

Given the state of the economy and it is forecast to become much more difficult in the months to come, I don't think it is reasonable to expect anyone else to put us up in their homes and to entertain us when things might become very stressful moneywise. The extra heating etc. is a worry in itself and then buying in extra and more special food that we might not have bought in without visitors to cater for, not to mention the sheer exhaustion of looking after other people as we get older. No just say for all sorts of reasons, it is no longer practical to have people to stay.

I think Nicegranny has it right . You don't want to be tied to entertaining . You don't need to give any further reason than that . You might want to go out, you might want to visit friends or relatives. You might not, who knows anyway till nearer the time ?

Agree with all the above - Be firm - you don't want to wish your life away and are thinking about the here and now not next Christmas by which time you might have decided you want to 'go on a cruise'! This will say it all, even if a cruise would be the last thing you would want - it keeps the conversation at bay and lets people know that anything is on the agenda for you (but not being booked up 10 months in advance).

I agree with Grandmabatty's suggestion.

Sort of is not have invited. Not too early to inform them you have made plans to go away yourselves for xmas.. End of.

Just say, "No", no excuses/reasons required.

She777

We had my OH family stay the Christmas before lockdown, they stayed for 6 weeks and it was absolute hell. I became a chef and cleaner and OH became a taxi driving all over the north of England. Not so much as a thank you the whole time. Lots of complaining by them about finances etc. They completely ruined Christmas Day. I’ve never been so happy to see the back of someone in my life. We don’t hear from them anymore, I think they realised they had taken advantage.
So my advice is tell them NO, you will only spend the whole time feeling annoyed.

Ever seen Christmas with the kranks ????

Agree with creating a 'new' tradition.i did it with the amount spent on presents! I just text those concerned that in view of things getting silly as were in the category of "edible" presents at our stage in life already owning all we need or want, to limit Christmas presents to £30max! Birthdays different as we're e all in May and are personal to us all. Be matter if fact and pleasant but be firm and final too! Good luck x

I agree with other posts. It would be better to just say 'sorry but, as much as you and OH would like to see them, you find that having people to stay these days is too much for you so you will not be able to host Christmas in future. You hope that they can make alternative arrangements and that perhaps you will be able to meet up somewhere for a meal or a drink.' This way you've also scuppered their plans for future Christmases too.
sestoo.Dig your heels in and make sure OH does the same.

We suffered the other way round... endless trawling around the country to visit relatives at a time when we just wanted to hunker down at home.
Then one famous Christmas (we call it Scrabblegate) we said No More.
Now we stay at home for a fortnight and let everyone visit us! I love it tbh.