My wife and Daughter in law

After 50 years of getting her own way and dominating the family I can't see any prospect of her changing her behaviour. Why should she, after all it's worked so far. I see the main danger as complete estrangement from your son and GS. There's also a risk that if your son does not support his wife in this issue, there's the potential of a great deal of damage to their marriage. While your wife may delight in this, she would also lose contact with your GS, you too by default. I would point this out to your wife before she contacts Social Services. I would also suggest that your ask her to keep criticism of your daughter in law to herself. It reflects badly on her and your son. If her plan is to get her hands on your GS, well it's not going to happen and she's risking a lot. In your DiLs place I would have run for the hills by now.

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Lovely to hear from a grandad! This behaviour from your wife almost echoes my relationship with my mil she was also a controller, I admit she didn’t go as far as your wife is going as in controlling, but I had more than enough and actually left my husband over mine interfering! My husband was too soft and allowed it to continue! Remarried now to a man who supports me one hundred per cent and both myself and my husband would never condone such behaviour it’s cruel and very destructive, and not normal behaviour , you sound a lovely caring man grandad but you need to put your foot down with your wife, and so does your son, because I can see that the marriage won’t last, my heart goes out to the daughter in law , I’ve been there and will never forget it! It actually tugs at my heart reading it!

Daisymae
i can’t see any prospect of her changing her behaviour
Very true.
I have a very close acquaintance who acts exactly the same.
Some of the strokes she’s pulled are truly jaw dropping.
The last one involving her family caused untold grief to her daughter in law. Her son and daughter blanked her for about 6 months.
Then things got back to some normalcy and she’s back to the same old viper tongue.

Can you take your wife away on a holiday? Even a few days away from home. Most people relax on holiday and you’ll be out of your normal routine. Should give you opportunity to have a chat with your wife about how retirement is going- tell her you want to plan more things together and you’d like to calm down the family issues. Tell her you need a happier atmosphere at home. Tell her you hate all the negative comments / actions of late ( no need to go back further). Tell her you think both your children are now old enough / capable enough to run their own lives . Say you think dil has had a very difficult time & you think she’s doing well.
Your wife can’t really storm off if you’re on a holiday/ in a cafe/ restaurant. If she does - let her!!
After that, you will have to stop her toxic talk! Leave the room. Tell her to Stop it! Say that’s enough! Say I don’t want to hear any more! Tell her she’s interfering if she persists!
Apologise to your dil. Tell her she’s doing well. Maybe send her a card- a personal note from you - telling her you think she’s doing well with the new baby and acknowledge that she’s had a lot to cope with. Ask her if she’d like any practical help or is there anything else she’d like you to do/not do.
A rocky time ahead for you. I hope things improve.

Desperate You have written a detailed and thoughtful post, clearly outlining the whole problem and acknowledging your own and others culpability within the situation. From what you describe you are right to be concerned, on so many levels.

You are loyal to your wife but I do think that from what you say you have been allowing/enabling her behaviour for a very long time. I imagine that over the years you have been aware of other behaviours that have been of concern to you and are now being seen in your daughter as well. I think you really do have to "bit the bullet" now, you cannot allow this to go on, however hard it might be and also however scary!

I am not sure that showing her this thread is a good idea; it seems to me that would be a recipe for making your wife react angrily, defensively, go off on a red herring of your "disloyalty", deflecting all of her responsibility for the situation away on to "your faults"!

Your first priority must be to stop the planned contact with Social Services, Health Visitor and Doctor. Tell her that this is completely wrong and unjustified, and that you will not support her in this at all, you will be telling them that you feel your DIL is a perfectly good mother, that there is no evidence of what your wife describes. Tell your wife that you will simply not condone her planned actions.

If she does go ahead with contacting them, you should stick to what you have said, contact anyone she has contacted and tell them quite clearly that you think your wife is wrong. And tell your son and DIL that you have done that. Tell your wife you have as well.

Then you need to start addressing your wife's wider behaviours with her. Use all the points that you made in your original post, your own culpability, your lack of speaking up about your concerns etc. Talk to her about it just is not her business the choices that your son and DIL make regarding breastfeeding and equipment. Try to get her to be honest about her own anger that she could not breastfeed but that it has nothing to do with what her DIL does. Your wife really does need to be helped to see what she will lose if she does not change her behaviour.

I suggest you also speak to your son, tell him that you understand that his mother's (and sisters) behaviour is inappropriate; tell him that you are speaking to his mother and that you will support him as he steps up and supports his wife. Tell him that is absolutely his priority NOT his mothers feelings on this one!!

You say that you love your wife and that she has many good qualities. Inevitably within the parameters of trying to explain your dilemma in your post, it is difficult to know what are your wife's strengths and good qualities but if you are clear what they are then use those as part of your discussions with her to hopefully help her to listen to all the difficult messages that you have to give her.

You know that you should have said something a long time ago. The fact that you didn't does NOT make a bad father and husband as some have suggested, sometimes it takes a long time to admit/see the truth of a situation. However it does make it imperative that having seen what is going on and the impact on your DIL and your son, you do something NOW as a matter of urgency.

Do please come back and let us know how you get on and ask for help and advice if you need it as things develop

Good post madgran

Thanks Audil0

Hello again.
I have read your further replies and thank you again to those who have taken the time to read and offer advise.
I agree that it is possible that my wife is jealous of my daughter in law and that I need to support my son to support his family.
I dearly wish I had acted and spoke out sooner and admit I may have buried my head in the sand and gone along with things for an easy life which I regret however I am keen to make amends now.
I have spoken to my wife this afternoon and advised her I do not condone her wish to involve others and I do not agree that there are any issues with the care of our Grandson. My wife was intially very defensive however understood my point and I suspect that this is not something she would have gone through with in reality on further discussion although I cannot ignore the fact that I believed she might.
I believe that my wife was very concerned about not being included in our Grandsons life and she has admitted that her behaviour around the time of the birth was not conductive to this however later became very defensive and suggested that it was only her intervention that prevented this happening. I decided to leave the conversation there for now and feel having made my point and expressed my concern that it's better to focus on and deal with issues in the future rather than the past as I suspect that if my wife is made to feel too attacked she will react defensively.
I have previously seen my son and daughter in law occasionally without my wife which I enjoyed as we used to walk their dogs together however after the dogs died I know they found it very hard to walk without them and I have been reluctant to suggest this incase it causes further upset or appears insensitive however it is something I could come back to in the future.
Thank you again for your advis3

Desperate well done for starting the conversation. There will need to be more but you have taken a first step. And regrets ...don't bother ...you have learnt from your experiences, acknowledged your mistakes and are trying to do something about your mistakes. That's VERY creditable.

Oh well done Desperate that wont have been easy but you DID IT so good for you and I'm so pleased that your wife took on board what you've said.

for you and your wife. I wish you both well as you move forward and onto what will hopefully be a happier and healthier family for you all.

I also wish you all the best but a leopard doesn't change its spots and I don't think one short conversation is going to sort things out. This behaviour has become normal to her and something else will inevitably arise. You must speak to your son and see that he understands his mother's behaviour is going to lead to trouble in his marriage, perhaps his phone could be out of order for a while. It might not be a bad idea to take your wife on an extended holiday now the covid restrictions are coming off. Maybe the thought that she could lose all contact might give her pause for thought.

Well done - a door opened into being able to speak out on your views - let us hope she will be open to further discussion. Best thing you can do is to encourage her in finding a life for herself that does not mean that all she can find is to control her adult children.

Yes a big well done from me but like a runaway dog you are going to have to keep your hands firmly on the lead as you wife will not change she is just a bit shocked at you speaking out and placating your so you will have to keep at it and pull her up every time she tries one of her tricks
But well done you please do not let it slide again
Good luck

I completely agree that this is a step along the way not a solution and that the issue is far from over and there are still many things I need to consider and a lot of work to do but I do feel a little better that a start has been made however small and hopeful that in time things will improve

You're a good egg

Desperate8

I completely agree that this is a step along the way not a solution and that the issue is far from over and there are still many things I need to consider and a lot of work to do but I do feel a little better that a start has been made however small and hopeful that in time things will improve

Spot on Desperate .....onwards and upwards!

You do sound like a really good person if you need any outside support, there are organisations who you can talk to

mensadviceline.org.uk/

but as you have started navigating this yourself, it may be a big enough shock to your wife anyway but do bear in mind there is support if you need it.

Good chap you ve made the first step and we all know the first step is the hardest Don’t let it slide and come back and tell us how it’s going we ll be here to support you and you can tell us the good news as well as the bad

Keep up the great work

Just read through posts-well done, Desperate, for at least making a start! Personally I think “raking» over the past might not be helpful just concentrate on now and the future. I wish you all the best.

So glad you started it!

Now be vigilant and call her out as soon as things happen.

You could possibly show your post & these answers to your wife . It might make her seriously think about what she is doing . Otherwise she may think that it is only you that thinks there is a problem. Wishing you all the best

I’ve not read any other answers.

I would have loved a FIL like you!! Someone to reign in my toxic, overbearing MIL, who ended up on her own after my FIL died. No one wanted to see her.

You have to sit down....with this post, and sort your wife out. If you don’t....she, and ultimately you, will without a doubt....lose people. There were many years my FIL lost out on...because of her.

I will never understand what makes women like this ‘ tick’. She’s very lucky...and so are your children/ grandchildren, to have someone level headed like you.

Don’t be like my FIL....use your skills. You might be surprised.

Good luck.

I’m so pleased that you have had a conversation with your wife desperate8, you are a good man, with a good heart! Don’t look back on the past as it can’t be rectified, it’s gone, words and actions hurt and it’s going to take a long time to get things sorted regarding your wife and how she is with your poor DIL! If it was me I would be calling her out each time she was speaking in a disrespectful way and I mean everytime! She sounds extremely jealous and I can’t help thinking that she would love to have your son back home which as you well know the way she’s acting is not normal, I really hope everything works out for your son and daughter in law, you certainly will have your work cut out regarding your wife’s interpretation of everything! Hope your son steps up to the mark to regarding his mother and her nasty words to his wife! Good luck desperate8 you have started the ball rolling ! Please come back and let us know how everything progresses

I'm 45 and I found this very brave post absolutely apalling. If I was that DIL, I would have point-blank refused to engage with this MIL for the sake of my mental health which has to come first when looking after a newborn.
I think your wife's whole identity has been about being a mother but she's totally overextended herself and needs to back off now. There's nothing less attractive to a partner than their wife/husband acting like needy children. The apron strings have to get cut. It will be seen as enmeshment and control and definitely NOT appreciated.
I think your wife feels very threatened by this intelligent, capable, different, fresh, dynamic, thinking woman who MAKES YOUR SON HAPPY. She doesn't like it, therefore I'm worried she is literally going all out to remove your daughter in law. She doesn't like her because it's attacking her identity, her only identity.
It has to stop, boundaries need to be put in place, conversations need to be had so that your DIL doesn't leave with a newborn and never want to see your son again.
I really, really feel for her and I hope she is okay after a horrific year of sadness and a difficult birth.