Nasty and unfeeling Son

Maybe he is one who doesn’t like to show emotion and this is his way of avoiding that ? Underneath he might care very deeply but he may not want you to see that. That is my immediate thought. A lot of people dislike funerals and find them too confronting.

He is very hard got a Son with 2 Grandchildren he’s never seen we have tried to resolve this but to no evail.
I really don’t think he like us his comment about age yesterday was very cutting we are both 75 he said you two won’t be far behind

I agree with nanna8 some people just can’t cope with the emotion at funerals. He’s showing his respect by attending the actual funeral but that’s his limit. No need for you to be upset he’s doing the best he can.

But maybe he is just telling the truth. At least he is going. So, obviously has good manners.

It is a cousin, and although he may be a little shocked at the death, not sure why he should be very emotionally involved. Yes, they may have been close in childhood, but if we really got ourselves very emotionally involved with the deaths of anyone we had ever known and liked, we could find ourselves in a state of almost permanent depression.

My nephew died just before his 50th birthday (Cancer), in April 2020, not able to attend that funeral due to Covid laws. My son, who was six months his junior, had been close with this cousin during childhood, but had not had hardly anything to do with him for the past 35 years, would probably have attended the funeral - had he been allowed -but more out of respect for his Aunt and Uncle than from grief.
Cannot really see what you are upset about with regards to your son.

I would have found his remark about you and your dh not being far behind hurtful and uncaring.

i doubt he was unfeeling, more likely struggling wth his own emotional responses to this death.

Some people find it very difficult to cope with the deaths of those they know or once knew well. It confronts them with their own mortality. And he is not just facing the death of his cousin, but as you say, his aunt is terminally ill.

The same applies to his comments to you. He probably seems himself suddenly as being on death row; his cousin, in his 50s and close to him in age, has died following a heart attack, his aunt is dying, and he turns and his parents are in their 70s, and for the first time he has had to face the fact that you, too, are mortal.

All of us react differently to death. Some grieve openly and emotionally, some turn in on themselves. I am one of three sisters. When my younger sister died, my youngest sister isolated herself from everyone for about three months, and as she later admitted, took to the bottle in that period. I talked openly and continuously about my loss. Both of us were equally grief struck by the loss we had suffered, but we grieved differently.

So reach out to your son. he is as traumatised as you are, his cousin's death and his aunnt's illness has probably left him realising that the life of everyone he knows and loves is ubcertain including your own - and he is frightened.

Funerals don't mean the same to everyone. He may prefer to be more private in processing his grief, avoiding his emotions, dealing with a new sense of mortality, or find the formalities unnecessary. I have family members who will visit a cemetery because it means something to them, others who don't even go once because they don't feel the person is there and don't need that. Maybe he didn't phrase things as softly as he could have but maybe that has something to do with his own grief and the effect of pressure of expectation.

Going to a funeral is just a convention for the family that are left behind, not going doesn’t mean you don’t care a lot of people don’t like getting emotional in front of others.

Not sure why you are crying all night though ( like a few other recent Grans seem to be at the moment)

I'm sorry that you're so upset about this over60plus but I can sort of understand how your son feels about attending the actual funeral service, but not the family gathering afterwards. He's confirmed that he'll be paying his respects to his cousin by attending the funeral service but, as others have suggested, maybe the wake afterwards is too much for him to cope with; I'm not comfortable with them either but that's ok because we all grieve differently. His comment to you about your ages, however, was unkind and unnecessary. Please stop crying.

M0nica

i doubt he was unfeeling, more likely struggling wth his own emotional responses to this death.

Some people find it very difficult to cope with the deaths of those they know or once knew well. It confronts them with their own mortality. And he is not just facing the death of his cousin, but as you say, his aunt is terminally ill.

The same applies to his comments to you. He probably seems himself suddenly as being on death row; his cousin, in his 50s and close to him in age, has died following a heart attack, his aunt is dying, and he turns and his parents are in their 70s, and for the first time he has had to face the fact that you, too, are mortal.

All of us react differently to death. Some grieve openly and emotionally, some turn in on themselves. I am one of three sisters. When my younger sister died, my youngest sister isolated herself from everyone for about three months, and as she later admitted, took to the bottle in that period. I talked openly and continuously about my loss. Both of us were equally grief struck by the loss we had suffered, but we grieved differently.

So reach out to your son. he is as traumatised as you are, his cousin's death and his aunnt's illness has probably left him realising that the life of everyone he knows and loves is ubcertain including your own - and he is frightened.

I imagine this is how it is too. He’s terminally ill, there’s his own mortality staring him in the face and he’s struggling with coping with the pain and emotions he’s feeling as well as everybody else’s.
He’s not nasty or unfeeling. Just because he isn’t expressing what you think he should be doesn’t make him that.
He’s probably considering that the next funeral could be his own and perhaps it’s a bit too much.
Give him a hug and stop judging him.
For what it’s worth I hate funerals and cremations too.

He’s terminally ill, there’s his own mortality staring him in the face.

Sorry, have I missed something BlueBalou? Is the OP's son terminally ill?

surely, only Terminally Ill, in the same way as we all are. Only sure thing in life is Death!!!

Cannot understand the OP crying all night about any of this. Obviously, she is grieving both for her nephew and also with regard to her sick sister. But, why is she risking her relationship with her son in this way.

Honestly, the remarks about not being far behind, are the sort of black humour remark that lots of people might throw out.

Anytime, I mention anything happening next year or later, I always make the comment that it is 'assuming I am still around then'.

I don’t think any of us can judge how people react/ respond to things...ever, let alone in these difficult times. They’re adults.
It sounds like he’s going to the funeral, just not anything afterwards. Perfectly reasonable I think.

The fact that he’s not always pleasant is a separate thing, but only you could know how/ why he’s turned out like this.

I would leave him alone, and ask he gives you the same respect.

So sorry to hear about your nephew. He was very young ?

No it’s his aunt. I do wish people would read posts properly before having their tuppence worth.

Chewbacca

^He’s terminally ill, there’s his own mortality staring him in the face.^

Sorry, have I missed something BlueBalou? Is the OP's son terminally ill?

I think it’s OP’s sister who is terminally ill.

Why not tell him you respect his decision, but if he changes his mind that will be ok too.
Sometimes we just need to step back a bit from all the emotion.Sincere Best wishes.

There are some deeply unpleasant hard people in this world. My daughter is tough as old nails. Should we bend over backwards to defend them?. I’m starting to think not.
I think he was hurtful. I understand your upset but he’s his own person and he should respect you more. Don’t sentimentalise over him. Tell him what you think then leave him well be.

I'm sorry for all of these losses

With respect, I don't think it is appropriate for you to tell an adult how he has to feel.

I'm with grannygranby here I'm afraid. The death of close members of our families is a reminder that we are all mortal. I always remember my GP saying to me that when your parents die you have moved to the head of the queue. Your son may not be handling this very well and possibly deeply upset by it all. If that was the case then I think the remark about you and your husband being next is thoughtless and rather cruel in my opinion. If it had been said to me I would have told him to have more respect and that it was probably best that he didn't come to any function afterwards. I would now leave him alone, speak normally to him at the funeral and let the whole episode go, don't cry yourself to sleep, accept that we are all different and that maybe it is your son that has a problem and not you! Look after yourself too.

I'm with your son on this. He is attending the funeral but not the 'gathering' afterwards. This is exactly what I do on these occasions as they often exude a general sociality and catch up opporrtunity that I'm not ready for. Absolutely no disrespect to those who indulge. Just not something I'm comfortable with and I always slip away discreetly.

I don't know where this idea that the only people who have feelings are those who cry and emote all over the place came from. Your son may or may not have feelings about his cousin. He's said he would go to the funeral. Perhaps the reason he doesn't want to go to the after-funeral event is because he doesn't want to see you all weeping. Some choose to mourn privately.
Then again he may be of the opinion that you shouldn't be mourning you should be remembering his cousin and the happy times. There is more than one way to look at death.

Oversixtyplus

Over60Plus, you are worrying yourself quite unnecessarily.

Not respecting the funeral has nothing to do with being unfeeling and refusing funeral attendance may show that your son feels heavy grief.

Funerals are not at all the same as expressing grief.

Rereading this thread and the OP, and allowing for her own grief and way of responding to it. I am actually profoundly shocked that she would call this thread Nasty and unfeeling son

It rather suggests that, even before this sad event, she already harboured feelings of animosity towards her son, that her instant reaction to his behaviour calls forth such a horrible and aggressive title for this thread.

I suspect that the OP expects her DS to respond to everything the way she does and takes any deviation from her diktats as a sign of animosity. I suspect that all that is happening is that her son, like almost anyone of his age, has his own views and opinions and sees no reason to have those dictated to him by his mother.