What would you think if you received this?

Yes it is, because, at the end of the day, it’s best for children to be surrounded and loved by as many people as possible.

I honestly don’t know why these power struggles happen - everyone has a role, but the parents have the prime role, and grandparents should respect that.

But, SOME new parents do need to get over themselves a bit - they are not the first people to have babies, and it doesn’t really need all the dramas.?

Everyone has their dust ups, within families, that’s normal, but there’s not much, in a well functioning family, that can’t be sorted out with an honest conversation. Sulking and festering helps no one.

Life isn’t always easy though.

What a lovely post DiamondLily, my sentiments exactly. If only everyone's experiences could be the same, but sadly we know that's not the case.

I find some of these posts quite sad. I would have been mortified, and very miffed, if I had received a round Robin mail like that from my daughter.

I wouldn’t have minded her rules, but I would expect her to have the consideration to discuss it with me properly.

She and SIL produced 4 children, between 1996 and 2004, and they both happily involved me every step of the way. I didn’t push anything, but they used to bring me copies of the scans, and as soon as the babies were born, they phoned me, and asked me how soon I could get to the hospital to visit. I didn’t go up there for the birth - no reason to! That was the place for my SIL, not me.

The same applied when they got home - they wanted immediate family involvement. I suppose it depends on the type of relationship you have prior to the pregnancy, and everyone using common sense.

I knew I was “Nan” and not a parent, and I would never have undermined them. But I was very involved when the GC were growing up, and I have a great relationship with them all now.

Even though they are young adults now, they pop in here x times a week for a chat and a laugh with us. Some of these posts make me see I was very lucky, and get on so well with DD and SIL. - we all saw the birth of the babies as a happy and joyful time. No written rules, no dramas, no angst.

Happy days.

Calistemon I have found the 'The Paddington Stare' useful in many situations.

In response to the disappeared OP, I’d feel sad if one of my adult children communicated with me in this way. I’d wonder what had gone wrong in our relationship that h/she couldn’t discuss their wishes with me. In these covid times, every family I know has had endless discussions about safety, especially the pregnant or those with new babies

This thread has some confrontational, angry comments between posters. I was born in the 1940’s, never smacked. My children were born in the 70’s and 80’s. One of them was smacked on the leg, on one occasion. None of my family or friends smacked their children.
Some of the anti gran posters on here seem extremely angry, with significant unresolved ‘issues’ involving their mothers

when i was at school, another girl told me that her mother never smacked her, which was remarkable at that time.
then she told me that her mother dragged her into the drawing room and sat on her.
which i thought at the time sounded odd. still does.
her mother was a very hyacinth bucket type, and may have considered this a superior form of discipline.
they were never close. her mother favoured the girl's brother as heir, and younger sister, as baby.

'^the death stare^'

I think now it is known as The Paddington Bear Stare!

Smileless2012

Ah yes DiscoDancer 'the death stare' still works with DS when we face time even though he's on the other side of the world in Aus..

I'm sure I was smacked but TBH I can't remember so can't be certain. As you say DD if I was, I was smacked "not beaten or assaulted".

?

2old4this, it is certainly explicit ! She seems to have an orderly mind. However there is nothing in either content or style to be offended about.

I was smacked and did smack my children, usually just a swipe at a well uphosterered bottom. Enough to bring them up short, but not inflict any real pain.

Of course I wouldn't do it now. Times have changed. We are the products of our own chronological time.

I often wonder what we do to children today, which is considered best practice and best for the child that people in 75 years time will recoil from in horror at the thought of treating children in that way.

Ah yes DiscoDancer 'the death stare' still works with DS when we face time even though he's on the other side of the world in Aus..

I'm sure I was smacked but TBH I can't remember so can't be certain. As you say DD if I was, I was smacked "not beaten or assaulted".

I am frankly amazed that, given the age span in many decades across Gransnet members, that nobody appears prepared to admit they were smacked by their parents (not talking about seriously abusive beatings here) or that they smacked their own children!

I was never smacked and was amazed to learn that some of my friends' parents hit them.
I only smacked one of my children once which I shouldn't have done and apologised when she was grown up.
She has said herself that she could have tried the patience of a saint.

Saetana

I am frankly amazed that, given the age span in many decades across Gransnet members, that nobody appears prepared to admit they were smacked by their parents (not talking about seriously abusive beatings here) or that they smacked their own children! Myself and my husband are in our 50s and were both smacked by our parents - whilst it didn't do any real harm it most certainly did not do either of us any good and, in the 21st century, I would categorise this as abuse. A grown adult smacking a small child is never right - however our parents (and many on here I suspect, even though you won't admit it) came from that generation where it was considered okay.

Of course. I was smacked. Not beaten, or assaulted, just smacked. Usually once across the back of my leg.

My children were born in the eighties, and it was frowned upon...certainly where I came from....if you didn’t smack.

They quickly learnt, so that mostly, the ‘ death stare’ as they describe it, was all that was needed.

I am frankly amazed that, given the age span in many decades across Gransnet members, that nobody appears prepared to admit they were smacked by their parents (not talking about seriously abusive beatings here) or that they smacked their own children! Myself and my husband are in our 50s and were both smacked by our parents - whilst it didn't do any real harm it most certainly did not do either of us any good and, in the 21st century, I would categorise this as abuse. A grown adult smacking a small child is never right - however our parents (and many on here I suspect, even though you won't admit it) came from that generation where it was considered okay.

Bit late to the discussion, but to answer the initial question, if I received that I’d be inclined to think “I wonder who’s been overstepping the mark”. I think the content is common sense, but I’d assume someone in the persons inner circle wasn’t being sensible with their expectations to have to have that type of email sent - so the couple have done a blanket email to set expectations with everyone.

Thank you Curlywhirly. I had a wonderful relationship with my maternal GM, I'm sorry you never had the experience of loving GP's.

Smileless2012

We saw our first GC the day after he was born having been invited to do so.

It wasn't as joyful as it should have been. Our son was beaming; his wife was resentful. We didn't stay very long as the atmosphere made us feel extremely uncomfortable.

Just 8 months later we were estranged. Never saw him again and have never seen his brother. That was 9 years ago. It's been lovely to read about the lovely grand parenting experiences shared on here, but I can't help but feel a little.

They are our only GC so it's something that I think we'll never experience.

Oh Smileless2012 that is so sad. Here's hoping that things get better in the future. People do mellow as they get older, and I sincerely hope that your son and DIL have a change of heart in the future. My two grandmas were strict and not at all loving and I do think that children miss out not having contact with loving grandparents, I know I did.

You're welcome.

Smileless2012

I seem to remember that what was sent was copied from elsewhere so the OP's niece wont have been the only one to have sent it Yammy. I think the message is already on mums net.

Thank you tickingbird.

Thanks for telling me. I think a lot of grandparents will think twice about posting personal family matters if it is likely that it gets onto Mums net which a lot of our children read, Thank you.

I so agree MissElly I will also be the same.

I'm sure I would be a bit disappointed because cuddling babies is my all time favourite thing to do but I would keep that to myself. What's important is that births don't always go to plan and that recovery and bonding time is so important. I'll wait till wanted or needed and I won't even ask for a cuddle. If I get one, the slightest sign mum wants baby back I will do that and go wash up or something lol

MissElly

"Having said that, I’d be devastated if my DDs or DS and their equally darling partners included me in such an email but I know they wont need to because I know I will have already said, tell me when you want me around and what you want me to do."

This is key.
Thanks for writing it.

It’s funny, in the early COVID days two of our extended family had babies and I remember thinking that the silver lining was that they could bring them home without being inundated with visitors.
Yet my initial reaction on reading OP was irritation. Having thought about it more, I think it’s a great idea. Having said that, I’d be devastated if my DDs or DS and their equally darling partners included me in such an email but I know they wont need to because I know I will have already said, tell me when you want me around and what you want me to do. So I suppose I would conclude that maybe this hasn’t been said to the couple and they are sending a general note in order not to point fingers and upset anyone in particular. What others are seeing as patronising is probably just an attempt at levity. I think my irritation was probably jealousy that I didn’t have email back in the day and wouldn’t have had the confidence to write even if I did. Also, my husbands first comment on the birth of our first baby, alone in the Middle East was “terrific, I’ll get a few hours in the office and come back later”. I don’t think he ever took a day off. Things have certainly changed for the better and I think it’s wonderful that they will both be there to support each other and both care for their baby.

I seem to remember that what was sent was copied from elsewhere so the OP's niece wont have been the only one to have sent it Yammy. I think the message is already on mums net.

Thank you tickingbird.

I am surprised that this thread is still going, it only goes to show how many people have different views. Some grandparents are aggrieved others find it acceptable.
Some young parents if they read it would agree others not.
So many people are upset by what it reminds them of.
Has it got onto mums net yet? If it has the young couple who originally wrote it might be deeply upset if they read it and it could have repercussions for years to come.
What was sent as a message to family members has gone viral it will be in the press next.
I wonder what the gran and her sister will feel like.
This is an example of how we should all think twice about what we post and how we answer posts.

Smileless2012