Am I in the wrong

I’m really sorry you have had bad news about your health, but I have to say what you are saying to your daughter sounds rather like emotional blackmail?

I'm sorry about the results of your mammogram but you are being very silly to deny yourself life-saving chemo because of the behaviour of your SIL.

And you are being very cruel to your daughter.

Yes, that was my thought too Lucca

Being outside of your situation I can easily see both what your daughter means, and also sympathize with your point of view.

When is telling it like it is, emotional blackmail?
I dont know where to draw the line.

But.... if I were in your shoes telling my daughter what you have said, I would think of it in terms of, she cant make an informed decision about the situation between all three of us, unless she is told the truth.

So my pov would be you are giving the family the opportunity to re assess how things are now and a chance to discuss if or how to change them.

I hope things improve for you. Please vent or talk on here. No matter what the results are.
I think discussing this from all angles might help you form a slightly different perspective.
Best of luck.

Firstly...I am so sorry to hear of your diagnosis and would hope you would reconsider the treatment on offer.

I don’t see it as emotionally blackmailing, because your daughter can see there’s a problem, because she doesn’t want to fight with her husband about it. It’s not as though she won’t acknowledge it, or thinks you’re being paranoid.

I wouldn’t want you to miss out though, with possibly a few more years of being able to see your grandchildren.

My daughter has a horrid MIL, with loads of issues from the past, but sometimes I think, because she ( my daughter ), is a people pleaser, she tries to keep me and this woman on a level playing field. Everyone has to be fairly balanced. So....if they don’t see her, they don’t see us. That type of thing.

I’m wondering if your SIL is like this. His own mother is awful, but to appease his guilt? ...he...and then your daughter, treat you badly too. It is just a thought.

Please get the chemo. There may be other wonderful things round the corner.

A good motto I found recently: Don't force anyone else; force yourself.

Your DD cannot force her husband to change his attitude to you so it's unfair (as she says) to try and pressurise her into trying. She owes him her loyalty.

If you are really depressed, please see your GP.

I’m sorry but you are in the wrong to use emotional blackmail.
See your GP for your depression, get well and then sort the situation out with your SIL, don’t make your daughter choose between you and her husband.
What he does with his Mother is really of no concern of yours, she is his Mother and you aren’t.
I’m sorry that you have had a bad diagnosis but please don't put this onto your daughter.

Your s.i.l. sounds extremely immature Lollipoplove, falling out with his own mother because he didn't agree with her visiting schedule.

I don't agree that your D owes her H her loyalty, we shouldn't condone unacceptable behaviour under any circumstances, but I appreciate that can be easier said than done if not doing so creates difficulties within one's own home.

You say you spend quality time with your GC, something that not all GP's get to do because of their AC's partner, in fact some of us don't get to see our GC or AC at all.

TBH as long as could see my D and the children I wouldn't give two hoots about seeing this man, let alone spending any length of time with him.

I'm very sorry about your bad news regarding your mammogram and think that before you make any decisions you should discuss the treatment and long term prognosis if you refuse chemotherapy.

When our youngest son estranged us almost 9 years ago and as a result stopped us from seeing our only GC, I thought my life was over, but I was wrong.

Whatever you decide, make sure it's what you want based on how things are, not on how you wish they could be.

I'm so sorry you have received such an awful diagnosis. Please find and join a support group for it so that you have access to support for all the feelings this has brought up for you.

What did you and your son in law fight about? Is it something you have addressed with him since? Are there problems he has pointed out that you need to listen to?

What did your son in laws mum do when they fell out to make things right again when he felt left out?

Please do not sacrifice yourself to make a point to your daughter. Don't put her in the middle between you and her husband and then punish her for not siding with you by refusing your own treatment.

If you still have a good relationship with your daughter, invite her over, spend time with her... Figure out how to heal this rift with her. Don't use emotional blackmail to force your own way.

Please see a doctor to help you cope with this

I’m so sorry about your diagnosis lollipoplove. It must be shattering and we don’t have to have gone through chemo to know it’s tough.

I think you’re feeling particularly vulnerable, your daughter must be shocked, and now guilt-ridden which I’m sure you didn’t intend. She sounds like piggy in the middle with a husband who managed to fall out not only with you but also with his own mother. Put aside the fact that he’s ‘forgiven’ her but not you. Was there actually anything to forgive in either case? We all have arguments, we’re human, but it sounds as if he then sulks for years. I feel sorry for your daughter being married to him and perhaps you do too? She’s in an invidious position.

You don’t say if your daughter and grandchildren are your only family, but in any case think of your daughter and grandchildren. They need you. Please have the chemo so you can be there for them. They would be devastated if you didn’t. And I would be very surprised if your son in law didn’t come round out of sympathy.

Very best wishes for a good outcome.?

It occurs to me that blind loyalty is no more than adherence to propaganda.

I think you are being quite unreasonable to use your results as leverage to sway things to be how you want them, yes.
It's a shame that you aren't concentrating your thoughts towards more positive outcomes for yourself.

I am sorry to hear of your diagnosis but in my opinion it does not give you the right to put so much pressure on your daughter. You are asking her to choose between her husband and you, not a good idea.

If you do not want treatment that is very much your call but making somebody else the reason is totally unfair on them.

Your son in laws relationship with his mother is their business, do not get involved.

I hope you find some peace of mind and urge you to talk to somebody outside the family about your treatment.

Lollipoplove As you've asked - I think it's absolutely terrible that you've said you won't have chemo unless they change.

It's very selfish to put conditions on your decision. It's not up to your daughter, or her family, to make your life worth living. Only you can do that, after all.

Using emotional blackmail to try to dictate to your daughter - and control her - is unforgiveable. Shame on you! (Well, you asked.)

OP,

How dare you use your health condition to blackmail your daughter to get what you want?

Cancer is no joke.

Depending on your diagnosis, you have a chance to be cured.

Please find something that gives you hope instead of putting all your eggs in the basket (family)

In my humble opinion this post is so outrageous that I hesitate to think it’s even a real situation. If it is then I apologise.
Having a cancer diagnosis is horrible and frightening but to say to your daughter ‘ I am going to die because of you’ is horrendous and what a burden to leave on your daughter’s shoulders for the rest of her life and consequently your grandchildren’s lives. ‘Why did you kill Grandma, mummy just because you didn’t do what she asked’.
If you can’t face chemotherapy and don’t want to suffer through it then I don’t blame you, I certainly would never consider chemo. You can’t put that decision on your child though it has to be a totally private decision made after talking to your medical team.
I wish you luck.

Yes you are I'm afraid.

You're emotionally blackmailing your daughter in the worst way possible.

*
TBH as long as could see my D and the children I wouldn't give two hoots about seeing this man, let alone spending any length of time with him.*

Agree with this! Concentrate on your DD and DGC.

Good grief....kick a woman when she’s down and make her feel a million times worse!

Maybe she hasn’t put it very well, but her sadness has now been greatly accentuated by this awful diagnosis. It’s not surprising she’s unable to think straight, or maybe write a politically correct post. I don’t think I’d be perfectly reasonable in these circumstances either.

Lollipoplove, you need to look after you, and get better. I personally don’t see any intentional emotional blackmailing, but can see why others might. You do need help, so make sure you get it.

Hopefully, everything else will right itself in the end.

I would just like to give you a big hug right now!
Please don't deprive yourself of family gatherings just because of one person that has problems with close relationships, it's not your fault!
If he starts his "banter "again - no reason you can't put him straight by pointing it out to him that what he has said is nasty and hurtful and to please stop. It won't be your problem if he doesn't like it!
Well, it seems that he enjoys falling out with anybody and everybody. He either likes the drama or, more likely, he likes the feeling of control that it gives him and the only one who can stop that is him!
Please don't take any notice of whether or not the other grandparents etc give cards, presents etc to the GC. Some families just don't bother about birthdays, that's just the way it is. Just carry on with what you are doing in being a warm, loving grandparent and please speak to either your oncologist or his team members or even someone from Macmillan who will be able to help and provide support for how you are feeling. This feeling of hopelessness and despair you are currently undergoing may well be quite normal at this stage.

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Hithere - yep, I'm hoping too, as it does seem far fetched - but I replied, just in case!

There is nothing to indicate a definite diagnosis of cancer.
That would need a biopsy.
It's impossible to tell how someone is in real life just by reading what is posted.
Perhaps it is the shock that has triggered this thread?

I agree DiscoDancer it's hard to think rationally under this sort of pressure.
I'm so sorry about your diagnosis lollipoplove I hope you can come to terms with it a bit more as time goes on. Have you tried talking to others who have had the treatment and or support groups. Try to build bridges with your daughter you need her support and she needs you too. Concentrate on getting well, there is life after cancer treatment so don't waste it.