Jealous granddaughter

It will phase out and I wouldn't give it too much attention. My granddaughter wasn't keen on her baby brother, probably still isn't haha and he's 8 but she's protective of him and buys him something when it's me and her time ( I have 121 time with all of my grandchildren ). It is is what it is.

A cousin of mine was always the youngest for years and so got all the attention as 'the cute one'. A baby was born in another part of the family when she was about that age and suddenly the baby was the cute and small one that everyone focused on. Jealousy was the outcome there. Is this what has happened here?

There's a big age gap. Maybe in time the cousins will develop a relationship. Maybe they won't. I wouldn't have any expectations about what their relationship should be.

The hand washing is what I'd be concerned about. It sounds like she has a lot of anxiety and this is what I'd be addressing.

BlueBelle

Hand cream is only a sticking plaster though Elaine Excessive hand washing is a big big sign of distress or fear and in an adult it would lead to OCD and/ or mental health problems
Is that caused by over zealous Covid regimes or as a result of being labelled jealous and encouraged or expected to be ‘in the family group’ with the baby boy I think Kathiawar is much much more concerning than her not wanting to be involved with a baby boy
I m amazed that the title of the thread is not “worried about a granddaughter washing her hands red raw” but that just seems to be an add on for Nana56

I am very aware of that. DD2 is a CAMHS nurse and I was a nurse before retiring and dealt with worse than this however CAMHS currently are inundated country wide with eating disorders (some critical) possibly exacerbated by Covid which is why I suggested contacting GP initially so it can be assessed. However the sore and painful hands also need practical suggestions to help prior to maybe dermatology referral. DD1 is a very anxious person regarding health and hand washing in particular and her hands are also red raw but the creams help a bit to ease the soreness. OCD in a child needs careful treatment I agree but it won't be quick. Nothing is just now sadly.

That’s great nana but she isn’t interested in her cousin please accept that, and do check out the more important point of why she’s excessively washing That a much bigger problem

Thanks for all your comments. I'd just like to add that i spend lots of quality time with DGD . We enjoy swimming together and I collect her from school once a week. We do homework and chat about anything.

Nana56

We don't think the toddler walks on water. We think it's unfortunate that older cousin is upset if not getting sĺ gbd attention

"all the attention..."

For 7+ years the older granddaughter has had all the attention. I'd say it's perfectly understandable that she's upset and feels a bit pushed out now, who wouldn't be?

She sensibly takes herself off to her own room in your house though, her safe place. She's not causing a scene from what you say.

Maybe call her down when the toddler has a nap, or goes home, and do a "big girl's" activity with her?
Don't push the relationship, they'll find their own level.

So hard when you love them both ?

Hand cream is only a sticking plaster though Elaine Excessive hand washing is a big big sign of distress or fear and in an adult it would lead to OCD and/ or mental health problems
Is that caused by over zealous Covid regimes or as a result of being labelled jealous and encouraged or expected to be ‘in the family group’ with the baby boy I think Kathiawar is much much more concerning than her not wanting to be involved with a baby boy
I m amazed that the title of the thread is not “worried about a granddaughter washing her hands red raw” but that just seems to be an add on for Nana56

You can't ignore a toddler or indeed an under 5 even when giving attention to the older child it is often interrupted so it's almost like having a new sibling and even when you get attention it is not on your own. Maybe have time on her own without the toddler there as you would with an older sibling. I know this as DGD age 4 never shuts up ever and it is most exasperating to her brother who is 7. He says he had the best day ever going shopping (trainers) alone with Mum and Dad while we had his sister.
Handwashing - I think most people had sore hands during first lockdown. Make sure they are throughly dried as that can cause soreness. I have palmers hand cream (cocoa I think) which is very good and so is Norwegian cream. Nurses used to get atrixo supplied which was good - have to buy your own now. It is worth a visit to GP if you can get one so it it is noted and maybe a doctor can reassure her more?

Maybe she’s just bored.
Do they have to even meet that often? The adults might enjoy the family get together but how is it enjoyable for her.

Play with the toddler? I’d go up to my room too.?

beware the golden child syndrome.

I find it odd that if she is jealous she takes herself off to her own room. Most jealous children will try to get the younger child out of the way and gain attention or themselves. It sounds more to me as if she feels left out and so decides to just absent herself.In fact combined with the hand washing she sounds like a child who needs some reassurance.
One thing you could do to help with her hands is provide her with some good quality hand cream and teach her to rub it all over her hands after she has washed them. And I'd check she is drying them properly.
Did she perhaps have quality time with you before her cousin arrived? If so could you try to fit some in now? It might help.

I would have been appalled if I had been expected to have anything to do with a toddler when I was nine. I didn't even like dolls - why on earth would I want to play with a live one? I'd have been in my bedroom with a book.

It does sound as if she's been made very aware of the dangers of Covid, either at home or at school. With my grandsons I think we've rater underplayed it. It started as a bit of a game in the first lockdown with us making a bit of a game of shouting messages across the road to each other. Now we're just washing hands when we've been out and life is nearly normal. Perhaps the parents need to talk more about how much better things are now that people aren't getting ill so much.

maybe some adult has said/suggested that she is jealous in her hearing and she has taken on that judgement.

Daisendl

I know it’s not an unusual situation for an older child to feel jealous of a younger one. My point was that they’re cousins, not sisters so why is it such an issue? It’s not as if they live together.

They’re not brother and sister though they’re cousins
Is she in his company that much ?
I think it’s a big harsh to worry about her being jealous which is a normal reaction to a new baby, which will get all the oogs and ahs and ‘clever boy’ comments This little girl sounds dead anxious the hand washing is the worrying bit not any normal childish jealousy

tickingbird
This is not an unusual situation Yes there is a big age gap so who gets the most attention ??
I have witnessed this kind of behaviour on what appears to be jealousy on the part of the elder child.

That is a very grown up emotion for a 9 year old to be expressing. If she is able to say it and understands what it means then maybe she needs to talk to someone outside of the family about this.
Bear in mind that, if I've got the ages right, the arrival of the toddler occurs around the same time as the arrival of covid and the anxiety that has brought with it.

Poor 9 year old. She's obviously very stressed about COVID transmission, but that doesn't seem to be as big a cause for concern as her not having much interest in an 18th month old cousin. And to cap it all, they're labelling her as jealous. Poor kid. No wonder she wanders off to a room on her own.

Thanks for your reply. I'm not assuming she's jealous, she tells me that's how she feels.

Nana56, I’m sorry to say this but you come across as quite judgemental and angry towards your granddaughter. As others have said she is only 9 and why should she have any interest in a non verbal 18 month old cousin. They would have hardly anything in common. She has not been aggressive to the baby. How do you know she is jealous, sounds like you are assigning emotions to her that she may not have.
It sounds to me that she is a little 9 year old who is showing signs of stress. I have an 8 year old grandson who is also washing his hands till they are red raw. He is so scared of getting the coronavirus and killing his brothers and mum and dad that he is for ever washing. Little children often soak up information that we don’t know about. Perhaps she feels the same. IMHO she needs lots of love and affection and not the harsh judgement of ‘she’s jealous’ .

doe the 9 year old get any attention when the toddler is around.
i agree with others; why should she be expected to entertain the toddler. there are issues of consent here too.
i think we all now that pressuring kids to kiss aunty/uncle etc is out of order, but it used to be commonplace.
is this so very different; let her develop her likes naturally, or not as the case may be.
as long as she id not doing anything harmful to younger one, let her be.
the hand washing may be a clue to her reluctance.
toddlers are not known for washing their hands or observing scrupulous hygiene.
this may be a cause for anxiety, fear of contamination.
try to be respectful of the girl and accept her as she is.

I can’t understand why it matters so much. It’s her cousin and a big age gap; unlikely they’ll be close. How often do cousins see each other?

Perhaps think about what else might be going on in her life

The frequent handwashing feels like the bigger problem to me. It sounds as if she may need some help with this.
While we often find toddlers cute, from an older child's perspective not so much, they crawl after you, want your stuff... One child in our family found it distressing when the baby held on to them to pull themselves up.

Don’t worry she doesn’t have to have anything to do with her cousin Not all people or children are comfortable with babies and if she’s taking herself off to her room she’s actually being sensible she’s not harming him or pinching toys from him she’s just quietly doing her own thing in her room that should be rejoiced Jealously would normally manifest itself in hurting the baby or taking his toys or whining and whinging she isn’t… she’s taking herself to a comfortable area and that should be rejoiced in

The hand washing is much more worrying she has become over anxious of Covid and she needs help with that as soon as possible it is not natural for a 9 year old to be so anxious and red raw hands must be a LOT of washing forget the going to her room scenario and concentrate on her mental health