Being the mum of the son of new granddaughter

Hello!
Huge congratulations to start off with.

Your DIL (I'm going to call her that because its easier) is recovering from giving birth. She is going to feel all sorts of new things. She's likely still in pain, leaking, hormones, stitches....you get it.

She's going to want her mom, her mom is there for HER, not just the baby. They are a package deal atm.
Her mom will want to look after her baby after going through such an experience. Your DIL will of course be more comfortable around her own mother.
You say your son is on parental leave so I'm guessing new mom is 2 weeks postpartum at most.

So atm, its all about the new mom. She doesn't need help with the baby, I'm guessing she's just say with the baby, maybe trying to breast feeding and taking one day at a time.

Don't push it now, be understanding. It will get better.

Elizbeth please make it into a competition it isn’t and it will be in your head if you make it so. You’ve said it yourself you understand the new Mum wanting her own Mum closeby so let her have that without resentment on your part.
Think yourself lucky you are involved at all my own son lives abroad and yes I struggled desperately when his children were born learning about the births by text broke my heart but I knew she was the girl for him and was so happy I wouldn’t dream of spoiling that for him by being resentful. The other Gran is lovely and I know she talks about me with the children and when I visit gives me time with them.
I know it’s hard but be happy for them and enjoy the time you share with them your hurt feelings will fade and congratulations Granny. ???

Sorry that should be [don’t] make it into a competition .

Yes...this could be a slippery slope. Don’t get on it! There’s loads of threads about problems with mothers of sons. You are right. Generally, daughters gravitate towards their own mum...but not always.

It’s really early days, and as March said, ‘ they are a package’. Give it time, and just wait. Be there when they need you.

I’m interested to know..is your other child also a son, or daughter? I’ve found dynamics can change in the blink of an eye. Nothing sets in stone, unless you drive it that way. If your relationship was good before, there’s no reason to think that will change.

Congratulations by the way...and enjoy.

Ask them if there's anything they need? Shopping? Meals etc?

Make it about them not the baby. I found when I had my first everyone wanted to 'help' but the way they wanted too...so sitting with the baby, holding the baby, feeding the baby, to give me a break.
I didn't need a break, I didn't need help with baby. I was finding my feet.

I could however of murdered a Roast dinner!

As the mother of two sons with three grandchildren between them my advice would be don't get jealous. It is natural for daughters to want their mums round. I was the same with mine. Just take things easy and help when asked. You will have time to bond with the little ones but it’s early days.

It's so easy for that green eyed monster of envy to take over when we see the 'other' granny getting more baby time than ourselves. I still feel it even though the grandchildren are adults, and I can't help it. I do hope you cope better than I did.

As she grows, your granddaughter will forge a special relationship because of you, not how much time you spend with her.

I didn't feel ready for a grandchild, but we just seemed to click. We live 5+ hours apart, but always really enjoy the time we have together.

It’s only natural to feel a wee bit jealous, and I commend you for realising that’s what you’re feeling and coming here to have a vent with us rather than to the new parents.

How often do you want to be there? You can’t help your feelings at all, but you can have a wee think about how realistic your expectations are.

As others have said her mum is there for her as much as the baby and if that’s what she wants as a recovering mum who’s leaking and hormonal then I don’t think it’s too much to ask for.

Congratulations on the new addition to your extended family!

Congratulations Elizbeth.. It's wonderful to have a grandaughter and I hope you enjoy her. I'm the mother of sons and was very apprehensive about feeling left out when my first granddaughter was born (I've got 3 now). But I was lucky enough to gradually find my place in their lives. The other grandparents were the ones who bought lots of things, but I was the one who took them out. My Dils seemed happy to have a break while I wheeled babies out in their pram, and took them to the swingpark or the beach when they were older. Just be patient for a while and I'm sure you will find you place in their lives somehow.

Congratulations Elizbeth on your new granddaughter. I have a son who lives nearby with his family and DILs mum lives about an hour and a half drive away. Because of this I am the Gran on hand. When baby was born I gave the family space for a few weeks to let them settle into life as a family. Then we chatted and I asked her what she wanted from me and Grandad. I let her know I was there any time she wanted any help in any way. . As a result we had DGS one afternoon in the week so she had some me time or as she said time for a relaxing bath with no distractions. When baby was about 6 weeks I saw a phone in on TV about coping with a new baby. Something that was brought up was to ask mum how SHE was as everyone just asks about baby. Next time I saw her I did this and she really appreciated it and said no one had asked her that. Quite a simple thing. So I would say just talk.

I haven't been in the same boat as OP, because I, and the other GPs lived too far from my sons' families to have regular contact. I did, however, manage to see each one of them on Day One, as I was visiting, and hoping to be helpful at the time - then I had to go home again. There's never been any competition between me and the maternal MiLs, one of whom sadly died five years ago and I attended her funeral.
I know this is all irrelevant to the OP, but I do recommend having a life of your own, apart from ACs and GCs. My being an independent granny doesn't make my lovely, mainly teenage, GC any less affectionate and I still get some amazing hugs from them!

I too have a son with two children. At first I felt like you but soon realised that the MiL/DiL needs more work. I have worked hard to be the fun granny, the one who doesn't make demands, the one who shows as much concern for my DiL as I do her children. It has paid off. The children are 6 and 3 and I have a lovely relationship with the whole family.

I cannot say there have been blips along the way but if you lower your expectations you will not be disappointed.

Good advice upthread. Especially from Septimia, your GC will forge a relationship because of the person you are. Be yourself and as she grows involve her with your interests.
We have sons who have daughters. Our home is always welcoming, not particularly tidy, with lots of things for them to do, both in and out. The GDs seem to like us

Hi Elizabeth, firstly congratulations on the safe arrival of your granddaughter. What an exciting time for everyone. I am the mother of three sons one of whom has a long term partner and one son, and one of whom is married with three sons of his own. I have been very lucky not to have felt left out in any way. I now live 2 minutes walk away from the 2 youngest grandchildren and see them often.
One piece of advice would be to let your first gift be something small but thoughtful for the mum. Tempting though it is to buy tiny pink clothes resist for the time being -there will be time enough for that. Flowers, special chocolate, or whatever just for mum and then take it from there. Remember that her mum's first question will have been along the lines of "how are you, are you okay". That's very important ?

The “other mum” is there everyday ?? Good heavens that’s a bit OTT isn’t it ?

Don’t the young couple want done space ?

Some not done

Congrats! Is this your first gc?

Tell your son you are there to help - whatever they need.
They will reach out to you with time

Patience will pay off. Let dil and son readjust as a family of 3, dil heal and get used their new roles.

I think a lot of factors come into play here: geographical distance, age, fitness etc.

I am mother to 3 wonderful DDs and have been lucky to be closely involved with 2 sets of GC, less so with the one who lives a distance away.

But I am now in the situation where I am less involved in them as far as care is concerned because of my problem health and the fact that the other GPs are younger and fitter. I am happy that they are involved and that my DGC get to have several grannies.

There will be a role for you as time goes by - and lots of congratulations!

I am the mother of the son and, quite honestly, I haven't had a problem. We live 200 miles away, MiL lives 2 miles away, but it never bothered me in the slighest. We are different people, who get on very well and quite frankly the last thing I wanted to do was to give my busy intersting life up to spend day after day baby worshiping.

Do not get me wrong, I love my grandchildren, they come down to us for a week ata a time every school holiday and we go up for a couple of weekends every term, usually staying with the other grandmother, as we are such good friends.

I have taught DGD to sew, a skill neither DDiL or DMiL have, we have cooked together and my Christmases are legendary and will live in their memories for ever.

Do not get worked up about times or frequency or what the other grandmother does. What does it matter, just relax, lean back. When your DS wants you he will ask. Take your time, better a bit neglected now and a lovely relationship later, than constantly banging on the door everyday saying me too and finding yourself estranged in a years time and unable to see what you did wrong.

Congratulations Grandma !! Enjoy the little one and the time you have with your granddughter. It’s natural that the maternal grandmother gets to spend more time with them, only because the young mother turns to her mother for help. Although in my case, I must say my daughters m.i.l. was more helpful than I was. I’ m rather lazy and lack energy ?

You are SO right March I was constantly hungry in the few weeks postpartum and welcomed the delicious home-cooked meals of those dear friends who just dropped the meals off and expected nothing of me.
I loved them because they didn't ask to "help" by holding the new baby or taking it out in the pram/pushchair. The ones I loved most were the ones that loved me and my husband, the ones who saw me as a person (not just a mum) and the ones who cared for my husband.

You love your son, Elizabeth.
Cook, offer to take the laundry home, ask about shopping.
In cooking/doing the laundry/shopping for them you are nurturing your new grandchild. You are contributing one of the most precious things... your time. And the time you give here frees your son of some of the chores during this special time for him.
It's a privilege to do small tasks of love for others. Try to find joy in these things and you will feel more content.
Good luck.
?
And congratulations!

Somebody may have said this already but don’t you mean
“ Being the mum of the son WITH a new daughter”
Or alternatively
“Being the mum of the father of new granddaughter “