Is it wrong to not let MIl have LO every week?

No parents need to compromise with anybody how to raise their kid

Our own expectations hurt us.

grandtanteJE65

I’d really like to know what you base this statement on “
NO child of eighteen months should be staying with any relative at all overnight unless the child's parents are also there

I would not upset your MIL by being too blunt. It sounds as if she may feel lonely or may be depressed and consequently this has made her needy. Obviously she needs to have another focus other than your LO and perhaps your DH could suggest that to her. I can understand how much she wants to see LO so please do not hurt her. You need to be tactful and I am sure there must be a happy compromise.

My pal has been discussing this situation with me AbbieS9812 I cannot follow the thread myself and remember all but I think I have the gist. (I have Alzheimers)

I personally find it perplexing that you have gone through childbirth and are caring for a baby, yet find it impossible to utter the word 'no' to those you are at odds with. My personal advice would be to find some big girl pants and get on with it.

You can complain/worry/cogitate forever, but only you can take decisive action. This will apply to many many future things in your career of parenthood, which is often a difficult path. I wish you well.

Good posts March and Nansnet.

March

A child/toddler can stay at a grandparents at any age if the parents agree.
Grandparents can have asmuch time alone, can go on walks, baby classes , can babysit and all that ASLONG as the parents agree.

The trouble is when Grandparents think they have a right to these things and push and pressure, usually the mother, into these things.
That isn't right or fair.

Absolutely agree with this!

There is no reason, whatsoever, why a child of ANY age should not stay overnight with grandparents, as long as it's OK with the parents. And, if the child has a close relationship with the GPs, there's less chance that the child will not be happy, or feel it's been 'deserted'.

Sadly, there are some GPs (often paternal) who aren't given the chance to develop such a close relationship, as it's often the maternal GPs who are favoured by the mother. I'm not referring to the OP in this case, but it's just a general, factual observance.

My parents had my son overnight when he was just a few weeks old, as we had been invited to a very special event. When he was a toddler, they would take him sometimes on a Friday night, along with my daughter when she came along. It gave DH and I a much needed break, for which we were very grateful! There was no reason why I wouldn't have allowed my MiL to have them overnight, but she already had other grandchildren, and was often quite busy! MiL was a real 'earth mother' type, and when they were a little older, she would have all her grandchildren for sleepovers, in sleeping bags on the lounge floor! They loved it!

I find it quite sad that some children grow up never knowing the closeness that I experienced with my own GPs, or the closeness my own children had with their GPs. Unfortunately, Covid has currently put a stop to many of us developing this with our own grandchildren. I know that my DS and DiL can't wait for things to get back to some kind of normality, so that our little grandchildren can get to know both sets of their GPs properly again!

Sorry, I did digress a little there, from the OP! I just wanted to say that I think it's a shame that some young mums deliberately prevent their children from experiencing the wonderful relationship that many children have with their GPs. It's a very special relationship worth having, but I understand that some people have never experienced it themselves, so they see no need to nurture it for their own children.

I'm not referring to cases such as the OP, as I do realise that all GPs are different, and some may not want that kind of relationship with their GC, or they can be an absolute nightmare/pushy/demanding, as in the OPs case.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Your child, your rules. I do like the idea of going upstairs or as far as you can from the door and playing loud music until she goes away. If she comments then you can simply suggest that she lets you know in advance if she'd like to come.

*The trouble is when Grandparents think they have a right to these things and push and pressure, usually the mother, into these things.
That isn't right or fair.*

I agree. But my response was to the somewhat rigid view expressed applied to ALL children not in relation to grandparents behaviour which like children, varies.

A child/toddler can stay at a grandparents at any age if the parents agree.
Grandparents can have asmuch time alone, can go on walks, baby classes , can babysit and all that ASLONG as the parents agree.

The trouble is when Grandparents think they have a right to these things and push and pressure, usually the mother, into these things.
That isn't right or fair.

NO child of eighteen months should be staying with any relative at all overnight unless the child's parents are also there.

How do you explain to a child that age, that you have not deserted her, but intend to come and fetch her again`?'

I'm not sure what the difference is between staying overnight and staying all day. I looked after two of mine for a couple of days a week from 12 months old, 7.30 am to 6.00 pm.
They always seemed very happy.

Madgran77

*NO child of eighteen months should be staying with any relative at all overnight unless the child's parents are also there*

I don't agree that that should be a rigid rule for every child. Each child is different. I think it depends on personality, parental approaches, relationship with relative and a few other things too. Some children it may be wrong for, but not all

Absolutely. Who says a baby/child shouldn’t stay overnight with someone else . I take exception to that autocratic statement !

I had my granddaughter stay when she was quite young, maybe 16 months ? No problems at all. Now she and her young brother (aged 3) often come fir a few nights in the school holidays, we all look forward to it,

Good post March

NO child of eighteen months should be staying with any relative at all overnight unless the child's parents are also there

I don't agree that that should be a rigid rule for every child. Each child is different. I think it depends on personality, parental approaches, relationship with relative and a few other things too. Some children it may be wrong for, but not all

I don't know whether you are the same yojng mother as the last one who asked a similar question.

However, I will gladly repeat what I said last time.

NO child of eighteen months should be staying with any relative at all overnight unless the child's parents are also there.

How do you explain to a child that age, that you have not deserted her, but intend to come and fetch her again`?'

A lot of paternal grandparents feel that the maternal grandparents are favoured over them, but reading your post, I gather that if you go to stay with your family, you and your daughter go - you are not leaving her with your parents or grandparents,

Your MIL sees her granddaughter for a couple of hours several times a week, so she had absolutely nothing to complain of.

Don't let her have the child to stay without you!

If you were ill and needed help looking after the child, then your MIL should be staying with you in your home, not taking the child to hers.

Move house if you can, preferably at least a couple of hours away. Or is that not possible because of your husband's job?

If moving isn't an option, then you have to get your husband to talk to his mother.

She sounds as if she's insensitive to your wishes, and quite overbearing.

Frankly, I can't understand the obsession with some grandparents (both maternal, and paternal), who seem desperate to have their young GC stay overnight! I'd be more than willing to do so, if my babysitting services were required for some occasion, but it's not something I would request to do, just for the sake of it! What is the point, exactly? I can't think of anything worse than having a fretful child, waking in the night, in different surroundings, wanting mummy, or daddy.

Obviously, it sounds like your MiL has become a bit of a nuisance, turning up unexpectedly several times a week, and constantly suggesting she be allowed to have the child on her own. It would drive me insane. It seems she has plenty of time to see her GC, but you can't allow her to dictate to you what she wants, or how much time she gets to spend with your child.

I disagree with what some posters have suggested ... I don't think you should have to lock yourself in your house, and pretend not to be in, just to avoid her. And, likewise, you shouldn't have to go out when you don't want to!

Other than saying your DH is a bit soft, you've not said what he actually thinks of the whole situation. Have you discussed it with him in detail, telling him how annoying/pushy his mother is becoming? Is he aware of the full extent of the problem, or does he think that there isn't a problem ... that it's his mother, and he's OK with her spending so much time with his daughter? If he's working, and not around when she visits so frequently, maybe he doesn't understand how annoying it is. The only way to resolve this problem is to make him understand what's going on, and his mother needs to be told that you don't need any overnight babysitting right now, but in the future, if/when you do require any babysitting, you will let her know. Just tell her that, for now, it's not something you need, but maybe when your child is older, and you need a babysitter, you'll let her know.

You do sound very young, and perhaps lacking confidence to assert yourself, but if you don't say something soon, matters will only continue to get worse.

As for the frequent visits, maybe you could tell her you're going out shortly, and if she says she can look after your daughter, just tell her there's no need as you're visiting a friend who also has a little one, as your daughter needs to start to socialise with other children. If she doesn't get the hint, start to pack your bag, and get your coat ready.

If the OP is getting it from her MIL and her DH is going along with it. You do get the point where you think 'is it me?' 'Is this normal?'

So making 2 threads is completely normal as you need your feeling clarified because you do think it's you. Its only when other people are like 'Erm. No thats not normal' your feelings are validated.

It's a horrible situation to be in if you say no, you'll get dramatics from MIL and your DH will want to enable that behaviour then your bad guy.

Been there OP and got the counselling for it.
If you want to DM, please do.

Or, just or, there is no baby and no mother in law.

Smileless2012 Not way over the top, just slightly.

The description of the MiL's behaviour suggests that there is some sort of mental imbalance their and while she isn't driving up to the house grabbing the child and running, by constantly wanting more and more contact with the child, talking of staying nights, every weekend is effectively abduction by stealth.

We have had two threads now of people being kind, sympathetic and nice, bothe threads saying the same thing, she has to stand up to MiL and see her off and so far the OP has done nothing but start another thread.

I just decided to try some shock tactics. I said I would be brutal and I was. The OP has little choice. She has to stand up to her MiL or else give her the baby and slip away.

As they say, there is no alternative.

DiscoDancer1975

There’s been so many threads like this Abbie. She’s your little girl. What you say goes. The shortest word in the English language, NO.

There’s been so many threads like this Abbie.

You're so right, DiscoDancer

Lucca

lemsip

You've got to be strong against mil. Do NOT let such a young child sleepover! far to young....The child is yours, no one else's.

Sorry I agree with most of the advice given about this MIL however I don’t think 18 months is too young to stay overnight with a grandparent. Why is it ? What rule states that ?

I remember the DGD staying when their parents went to a wedding - at midnight with a hysterical one year old in my arms I was extremely thankful when DS and DIL arrived!
"She's yours" I said ?. The 3 year was fast asleep.
Needless to say, now she's older, she's a delight and asks to come and stay to 'look after me'.

Smileless2012

I think saying the OP's m.i.l. sounds "mentally deranged" and is "trying to abduct (the OP's D) and rear her herself" is way over the top M0nica.

Why don't we reward or give into unacceptable behaviour from children? Because is encourages them to carry on. There are 3 people who are equally responsible for what's happening here and has been happening for sometime. The OP, her husband and her m.i.l.

Might make the OP take some advice from experienced Gransnetters, though, Smileless

Of course, ducks may not faff around as much in thunderstorms in the USA, they may be more used to them than we are in the UK.

Weirdly enough, I sometimes am.

You could be right Lucca.