I Feel Terrible

I remember years ago reading a book by Penelope Leach where she said that it was a good thing for small children to see that there was a limit to how far a grown up could be pushed and we shouldn't beat ourselves up if we sometimes shout back.

My daughter in law wouldn’t let me look after either of her children it had to be her DM. It was ok by me cos I don’t adore children the way some people do. Anyway when DGD was just four her other nannie died of cancer so it then came down to me to do the childcare . DGS is a lovely well behaved boy but DGD was a screamer . Once or twice I shouted at her but the rest of the time I put my fingers in my ears and ignored her . She’s 9 now and I’m waiting outside her school to collect her . Her behaviour has much improved and she even laughs and says to me ‘ I was a screamer wasn’t I nannie?’ This will pass eventually for you .

Another one who practices ‘ my house, my rules’ here. It beggars belief how permissive some parents are. Walking around with food is my particular bugbear. My DD allows it but I don’t. Even at the tender age of three my twin granddaughters know what is/not allowed in my house and (mostly) comply.

Screaming, shouting, pulling hair out!!! and that was ME... the grannie!!! I have 5 grandchildren the eldest is long left school, then there was almost a 10 year gap!!! Then I had them like buses till there were 4 of the dear little darlings. Ive looked after them all practically since birth to let 2 families keep working full time, all different shift patterns, so I can be from 6.30am till 7pm and overnights and all day when school holidays etc, and I watch them all at the same time, there is now 1 @ 7 then 2 at 9, and now 1 at 12years old. I also worked full time on a split shift pattern and then it all took its toll, did I stop looking after the grandkids..NOPE! I cut my hours to part time, as I want to try and make sure my family don’t have to struggle financially. I’ve never taken a penny, I spend on my Grandkids treats, days out when I have them and feed them (obviously) all out my own pocket. I’m not complaining, it’s just me.... maybe I’m too soft..... but the one rule I have is when they’re with me, and they play up more than is necessary.... then Im ready to let them know, I’m here to listen, to love but not to lie down to their tantrums.... and I’ve used shouting, naughty step, no games/toys etc... whatever I thought worked for them as an individual.... and my family know it’s my rules of discipline when they’re with me, in fact they fully expect me to discipline them AT THE TIME.... as they say... by the time they come home from work the last thing they want to do is chastise their children as they will have missed them, and the last thing I want to do as they are leaving my house, where we have long since forgotten the episode and hugged and apologised, is grass on them. I have even told my family that if they misbehave in my house when the parents are collecting them, you know the bit where they start to play up because mummy or daddy is there ( so they are in charge now) and want to play grannie off the parents..... it is still me and only me who disciplines them while they are still in grannies house, that way they see that gran is in charge and mum and dad support her rules. They can be quite foxy the little ones, I adore my grandkids, and I know they love me to pieces, and yes I shout and scream and sometimes they listen, and sometimes they don’t.... but we all get along and respect each other’s personalities. Your daughter I think has a bit of growing up to do in this respect, hopefully she will remember a time you shouted at her.... or maybe she will have forgotten also.

Spot on Okdokey08 ?

Perhaps if your daughter had raised her voice when this first started, your gd would be better now.

Screaming, to my mind, is a temper tantrum. A tantrum is useless without an audience so it’s best to walk away and ignore a screaming child. They soon get the message.

I don't think you did anything wrong.

I am sure my mother would never have sided with me if I'd been naughty and my grandmother had shouted at me. Yes, times were different years ago but sometimes I wonder if things have gone too far the other way. Children are sometimes too much in charge. There is surely a middle ground.

I love all seven of my grandchildren very dearly - most of them are now too old to need baby-sitting or supervising .......... apart from two of them, who happen to be brothers.

The younger one (4) can be more trouble than the older one (12), due to going back time-and-time-again AFTER I've split them up from 'rough and tumble' which results in the younger one getting hurt!

I've now refused completely to have BOTH of them at the same time in my rather small flat.

The only time that I'll do 'the two together' is in their own home - where they've got ALL their belongings around them PLUS their TV System which includes Netflix etc etc (I've only got Basic Freeview plus a few DVDs).

Have you seen the Zoopla Ad on TV about Billy who no longer has to share a room with his little brother, Dylan? Well that's my grandsons - only they are older brother Billy with younger brother Bobby . They DO actually have another old brother called 'Dylan' (age 20) though !

Years ago you didn’t used to hear these ear splitting, brain piercing screams of temper from children. I have stood at check outs where spoilt, over indulged children (not just toddlers) have been doing this and I have felt so sorry for the shop assistants who can’t get away from it. I don’t believe in indulging this behaviour and certainly wouldn’t encourage it. Nothing wrong in refusing to put up with it. As for daughter saying you’re no longer needed - I wouldn’t indulge her either!

Your granddaughter is probably screaming as she wants her own way, you were t prepared to put up with it and nor would I, nothing wrong with raising your voice, I’d do the same and take her by the hand sit her down and tell her she should keep there until she learns that we don’t like that behaviour, as she stops how ever long it takes she’d be allowed to carry on playing, each time she did it she would be led away and continue till she learnt screaming gets you no where, like the others said I bet she doesn’t do that at school, I would also tell my daughter what I do, your daughter is acting immaturely as I’m sure she will need you at some point! She needs to show her daughter that screaming is not acceptable. The sooner the better for all your sakes

you could relate the story of, the girl who cried wolf.
slowly. repeat as necessary.

lollipop SNAP well not quite, my DD’s shop of choice was Woolworths in Tunbridge Wells. Screams with accompanying stamping of feet.
Didn’t last too long until she realised I’d gone. I was watching from a distance. Luckily in those days I got sympathetic looks rather than disapproving glares.
Times have changed, I hope your daughter comes down off her high horse and realises you are worth your weight in gold.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stop feeling guilty. This child is pushing boundaries and identifying who she can manipulate and who she cannot to get what she wants when she wants it. At school she will find that screaming is not on. Nip bad behaviour early to save future problems with her peers, siblings and other adults.

i cant see that you did anything wrong at all, maybe its a generation thing , at one time smacking would have been the thing to do , no more though of course, now,it seems , even shouting isnt allowed, i think your daughter is being very unreasonable and you have no reason at all to feel guilty in my opinion

Well done you telling the screaming child off. My grandson was prone to tantrums. I give him a certain look now and he desists. Your daughter is obviously selfish and ungrateful. She's cut her nose off to spite her face..

58bry

Well done you telling the screaming child off. My grandson was prone to tantrums. I give him a certain look now and he desists. Your daughter is obviously selfish and ungrateful. She's cut her nose off to spite her face..

I think we should know better by now that name calling is not helpful.

Really, we are supposed to know better, but so much nastiness towards a child and her mother.

beautybumble, I'm sure that I've shouted at all my children and grandchildren at some point. I'm human, after all - not a saint!

I bet your daughter will think again and you'll soon be needed.

One of my granddaughters was an awful tantrum queen. I tried to ignore - and used to put ear plugs in! She's grown out of it now, thank Heavens!

If the little girl ran into the road, you'd shout to protect her. Some situations you just do. You've done nothing wrong. She'll probably come across many shouty teachers if she carries on screaming like this!

Well, I think your daughter needs to be more firm with her child so that she learns not to scream, your daughter is obviously giving in to her. The more she gives in the worse she will be. I think you did the right thing, shouting won’t hurt her and we all have our breaking point. Don’t feel bad about it. You have to set boundaries for when you are looking after the children, sit her on the naughty step and ignore her until she stops screaming. She will get fed up first and realise it doesn’t work. Good luck.

BeautyBumble.... I do feel sorry for you, I also think your daughters over reacted. I know she's made you feel bad about yourself, and you feel guilty but you haven't hurt her , your not a robot your human, and I can imagine your daughters just as guilty as she claims you to be. Let it go, if she doesn't want you to look after your grandchildren anymore, it's sad for you and your grandchildren, but don't go grovelling, you have nothing to grovel for and by doing so, it just gives your daughter fuel for her fire. Don't go there. " Least said soonest mended " so to speak. Don't be held to ransom. No one likes spoilt kids.

Summerlove... There's no nastiness intended I'm sure. If the child is allowed and ( almost rewarded) for behaving like this, the behaviour will become the norm to her and carry it through to adulthood, only on a more adult level. I've seen it happen and the "once child" becomes a very unpopular adult, it's not pleasant or acceptable.

I agree with Yorki, the ball is in your daughters court, just leave things be, and hopefully she’ll realise how unreasonable she’s being.

Thank you Sara1954 ?

Perhaps she needs to be told you only want good girls as visitors not ones that make you unhappy . She is old enough to know better and old enough to manipulate