Daughter doesn’t understand

If the husband/partner is so unsympathetic I wonder why she is happy to let him go on fathering children assuming they were all planned?

Time for tough love I think. Some advice on contraception for both of them would be a good start.

I do wonder whether all your daughter's friends' parents drop everything to help whenever there is a crisis in their children's lives?

It reminds me of teenager saying, "But mummy, everyone else in the class may do such-and-such"

Point out politely that you cannot take time off in term-time and her father can't afford to leave his business to help.

That doesn't mean she can't cope on a day to day basis bibbity. "Tantrum throwing" is not related to coping. That's something else entirely.

I'm not defending her, just pointing out that people are jumping to conclusions.

Ha ha, just re-read this. I know it sounds ridiculous but I worked for someone once who threw tantrums and in that case it did go together!

She is an adult and responsible for herself and her family.

Why do people not take responsibility for themselves!

I am wondering why on earth the rights or wrongs of the OPs daughter having a large family are being debated. That is hardly helpful to Seasalty as the large family is here, she is worried about what to do and is asking for advice/thoughts on the situation as it stands.

Seasalty I hope you have found some advice that is helpful and that you can find a solution

I have a daughter who like this.
Can I ask how many other children you have? Would they ask or expect that level of support?
Could you do it for all your own children?
If she is the only one it sounds like you have always been there to back her up.There comes a time when we have to say no.
Her partner will have to help.
Or....she’ll have to manage.
I’m sure she could get someone to mind the kids while she went to hospital to have the baby,and for the 6 hours after if they even stay that long now.
She would cope without you if you were ill. She’ll cope.

Also, can I add, when I was born and my brother too, my parents hired in a woman from the village who was like a housekeeper for 6 weeks as they had no family to help,and before you all think we were wealthy,my dad worked on the railways in a humble job!

The children l are your DDs and her partner's responsibility not your and your DHs. Tell your DD is she can't cope with the children then she should have thought about that before having another one. I wouldn't offer her to stay with you when the baby arrives. Your DD needs to grow up and accept her responsibilities rather than expecting others to sort out her situations.

She doesn’t expect much does she, I’m being sarcastic! You live a long way away and are expected to down tools when needed, and by the sounds of it, jump to it! She starts arguments over it you say! She’s embarrassed in front of her friends, whose parents drop everything, well firstly you are not her friends parents! You are hers! She’s coming across as immature, you can’t do it every time so that’s it, I’d be wanting to know what her partner is prepared to do to help, I’d be wondering why she wants to keep having children with a partner who isn’t much help to her,

You sound very hardworking already,if you can offer weekends that is being very reasonable.Her best solution is help from friends who live near by,different children’s friends to take them to give her a break,she must have one good friend who could stay over if the baby comes at night.
Just think the more children she has the more grandchildren she will have to look after in the future.

Your daughter is a big girl and should take responsibility for her own actions. End of!

I think on any other occasion, she is unreasonable. However, when she's actually in labour, yes, I think you should drop everything and go. My mum worked full-time and did that. I did it for my daughter.

GagaJo

I think on any other occasion, she is unreasonable. However, when she's actually in labour, yes, I think you should drop everything and go. My mum worked full-time and did that. I did it for my daughter.

And if the OPs employer says no?
In the real world people can’t just ‘drop’ everything.
OP has bills, her own life.
If the DD goes into labour the either she can arrange a home birth or her DH can stay at home and she can go to the hospital.

I think birth counts as an emergency. Mothers frequently support their daughters at this time. Not obligatory of course.

GagaJo

I think birth counts as an emergency. Mothers frequently support their daughters at this time. Not obligatory of course.

You may count it as such.
I very much doubt a headteacher would.
It’s not an emergency to the OP. She would have no legal right to take that time off work.

Birth isn’t anemergency. There’s the hospital or midwifeand the husband. No one in any job could claim it as an emergency unless something catastrophic happens. Planned time off work after the due date could be booked by many employers, but rarely in term time by a teacher or TA

It was her choice to have a 5th child. Don’t feel bad about not being able to help. She shouldn’t expect it, as her right.

Maybe my family is closer than I thought.

My headteacher was supportive of my being with my daughter at the birth of my grandson. It's called compassionate leave.

No, you are not being unreasonable at all. I think your daughter is being unreasonable although I understand she may need support when her baby is born. Her partner should be the one who provides it, I would have thought.

I am not sure but I think the rule of 6 would bar you from visiting your daughter, her partner and her fifth child so you can't help out, even if you wanted to.

I am probably going to get some comments on this but in this day and age having a large family is totally irresponsible and selfish in respect of the effect this has on bio diversity of this dying planet. The Earth just cannot sustain this growth in population and people should take a responsible attitude to family size.

mistymitts

I am probably going to get some comments on this but in this day and age having a large family is totally irresponsible and selfish in respect of the effect this has on bio diversity of this dying planet. The Earth just cannot sustain this growth in population and people should take a responsible attitude to family size.

That may well be true but is of no help to the OP is it ?

Luca, I realise that but I had made comment earlier on OP predicament, also mentioned that new rules would make it impossible for her to visit her daughter any way unless they lived in Scotland or Wales when children don't count towards the 6 total. I was just replying to previous posters about family size. I agree with many that OP SIL needs to pull his socks up, they are his children too and as he doesn't work, should put in more effort and support his wife. And as MIL is wealthy maybe they could get in some temporary home help or au pair. I think the 6 rule does not apply to workers in someone's home but that would need checking. OP lives far away and has a job that is not flexible so hard as it seems she cannot down tools and be with her daughter. At the moment, hospitals are not allowing partners into some labour wards either or if they do for only a limited amount of time. It is tough on the mum to be. I think she would best consider some live in help,if they have the space and the cash, if her husband still refuses to help at all..

you are not being unreasonable. She is an adult, making adult choices, you are her parents, you are not her unpaid help. What would be the response if it were you two needing the help - I think I can guess.