This is difficult

I think Thistlelass you are being too selfless! I know exactly what I would do in your situation and it is what I told my parents, do whatever you need to do to enjoy your life. Forget about leaving anything. My mum, in particular feels guilty if she spends any money on herself! I encouraged them to get as much help as they could - paid for I mean, not on state. It went against the grain but eventually they listened to me. If your children are not advising same then they are being totally selfish. You need to do whatever you can to make your life comfortable.

No child has the absolute right to an inheritance. I don't know how big of a house you have but the first thing is to consider down sizing- move to a smaller property? Second put your name down for sheltered housing (yes you probably won't get this while you have a home but it will be there). Thirdly, although have always thought it probably a bit of a con have you enquired how much you would get through equity release? Maybe worth looking at. If your children object, tell them you need money to pay people to do up your house!

I don't understand where people are coming from saying they owe you nothing in help but still expect you to have the house intact so they can inherit? Now is the time to look after number 1.

Thistlelass, if you downsize your place you would not have so much need to ask for help with house maintenance. Also if you lived in a more convenient place that did not need a lot of maintenance your offspring would feel happier about your ability to be independent.

It seems to me to be a good thing they have been discussing how to apportion the care you expect from them. It's your responsibility not to overburden them with your care, if you possibly can.
Downsize, and get advice from a reliable financial adviser if you need advice, if you have any money left over from the sale of your house.

i get the impression that OP has bought/ moved to the present house within the last 5 yrs, and had a lot of work done on it, poss by her son.
this son, who is a tradesman and v handy, could poss help with the house painting, even by other contacts and supervising.
i don't get the impression that money, or the cost of this work is the nub of the issue.
it seems to be some dispute between this son, and his sister, who lives at some distance and in some style.
she seems to expect that son will just step in and be responsible for all the helping that mother, OP, needs.
the son presumably feels that his sister ought not to push all this onto him, and she ought to offer some contribution to the effort.
since she cannot get up a ladder, or send others to do so, she should make some financial contribution in lieu of personal exertion.
is that right OP. or something along those lines.
so you are worried about what to accept, from whom, and how much; and trying to keep the ring between son and daughter.
don't know what to advise. except look after yourself.
could you write to them both. pointing out your concerns.
that you are not well, have a serious diagnosis, which may have implications going forward, and just need some security and stability.
i have found that adult children often overlook their parents'
illnesses/ disabilities, or minimise them.
perhaps it's a defence mechanism, or an excuse to expect too much and do too little to help.
try to tell them the realities of your condition. you may have to be quite blunt. or they will say you kept it secret/they didn't realise. victim blaming is common.

Well thank you everybody for your advice and opinions on my situations. I have a few comments of my own to make before this is left. Jenpax, with respect, you do not know me or my five children. And this of course applies to others who have made comment too. Everyone's lifestyle and experience is different. I have no large Victorian house to downsize from. I have a 2 bed ex local authority semi, which already has had the equity released in it to add an extension/replace kitchen etc when I moved in 5 years ago. My son was the tradesman of course and he kept the price down because he is a very decent young man. They all are. Their father has assets worth a considerable amount of money and I wont go into the terms of my divorce 25 years ago. I was a local authority social worker for 23 years. My total income at present amounts to £16000 pa. So things will be especially tight until my state pension comes in. I am not going to repeat myself from yesterday. My family love me very much but, yes, there is a tendency for the tradesman to be expected to do the work. He already does go above and beyond for me and I will not see him put upon. My mental health means that I have bouts of anxiety and things getting on top of me. I don't really want to leave this house. It has a good atmosphere and I feel safe in it. I have read everyone's opinions last night and realised I want to stay. I spoke with my son today and he has identified someone to paint the house for a price I can manage. He is fitting a nice new front door for me. My daughter knows about this. Thank you all.

It's nice if children offer to help now and again, but I wouldn't expect it - although I suppose if I were on my own and didn't have enough money to sort maintenance issues out I would appreciate some assistance. Either that or downsize.

Painting the exterior of a house is quite a big project, though, and risky if the person doing it is unused to going up and down ladders.

I see now that the issue has been resolved and your son has found someone who can do your house at a reasonable price. I think that's the best outcome.

Thinking long term, that house is not a good match for you.
You are already having issues, as stated in your first post and you only moved 5 years ago.
The older the house get, the more repairs and upgrades it will need.
You will get older too and you won't have that much time or energy to keep up with what is needed in the house as you will have to concentrate on your health.

I know you want to leave it as an inheritance to your children, but at what cost? Is it worth the worry or time it takes to keep it maintained?

I would live in a place I could afford without the help of others - money, time involved in repairs, work needed, etc.

I get the feeling that you think people have been criticising you and your family but I really don’t think that’s the case rather that we are concerned that your main worry was to do with maintaining the home so that it could be left as an inheritance whereas you yourself have financial constraints now and are already struggling
I am glad that you have found a solution to the issue

In your circumstances, I would think about moving to a manageable property - both financially and physically.

Maintaining a property will be ongoing and if it is a struggle now, it will only get worse over the next several years.

It is lovely if adult children are willing to help, but they have their own busy lives to live. Do not live with the idea of maintaining some kind of inheritance for them - you hopefully have up to 30 years of your own life to live. Make sure you do it somewhere that does not cause you hassles and stress.

Dear Thistlelass so glad to hear that you have resolved the situation. Best wishes for the future.

I'm glad you've managed to find a solution Thistlelass and I hope that whatever decisions you may have to make in the future, you put your welfare top of the list, and don't worry about your children's inheritance.

Thistlelass, It must be such a relief to have decided at last as you must have had a lot of worry. Glad for you.