Should I meet my mum, 66yrs age and lives alone

Sounds like youre letting your child control you too! Hes 18mths just because he CAN walk/talk doesnt mean he has to! Stick him in a buggy for walk- so what if he throws a tantrum! Its what little kids do- youre his parent,you must weather the tantrum and tell him no- he needs to learn hes to do as you want,not other way round!-(trust me ive brought up 7!) that aside yes i would meet your mum for just a walk- as Wildswan16 says- youre allowed out for excercise- just no touching- and your boy would probably need to be in his buggy anyway now,or he'd be touching everywhere& everything when& if you are out- you also sound as if you are letting your husband control you too- and surely he isnt at work 24/7- cant he watch his own child at SOME point so you could have a (2metre apart) walk with your mother? Even if its at teatime?or on a day off? youre doing as everyone else wants,but you clearly do miss your mum too,to a certain extent.go alone at first, chat through her window- or walk with her,but not near her.But you need to take control of your own life,starting with making your child go in his buggy if you need him to, he is 1.5yrs(18months) not 21 years!

I really feel for you. We all want to meet up with family and friends and even for those of us not prone to depression( I was once accused at work of being far too cheerful, as if it was a crime for a secondary school teacher) it is a very hard time. I have to empty my mind and not over think anything.
But you should not meet face to face.....the idea of both going for separate walks and being on the phone might work.
Good luck with this one, try Zooming too.

I totally agree with everything that’s been said so far, we shouldn’t meet up with people outside our own households, and my husband and I have not been out of our front gate for five weeks now. As a 66 year old myself I must say I am really enjoying this time with no outside pressures. I can do exactly what I want each day, sometimes nothing, sometimes lots. But I can’t help but wonder, if a relative in another household has also been strictly self isolating surely there is no risk to either party of meeting up, especially if they live nearby and can walk without meeting other people?

Goodness, there are some harsh responses on here. If the lady has mental health issues then they need addressing. And yes people with mental health problems can be irritating, but it doesn't mean that they shouldn't be helped.

My mum would have been exactly the same, if not worse. She died at 96 and had early onset dementia. She would have poo pooed the government instructions - "they're being over cautious, it wouldn't hurt". My sister would have given in to her and I would have been 'the baddie' but I was the only one to stand up to her.

If your mother has had the nhs letter confirming she has been identified as at risk then family are allowed to visit her as long as you adhere to the guidelines of distancing and handwashing.
It's up to you but taking a small child wouldn't be sensible in my opinion as they don't understand social distancing. We all have to be cautious while looking out for each other. Please don't put anyone at risk.

I walk the dogs every say on the beach. Sometimes I walk part of the way with dog-walking friends 2m apart. If she can manage that in the park, then I don't see a problem. I think an 18month old would need to be strapped into his buggy as he would undoubtedly want a hug from his grannie. I assume your husband fears for you health and that of your toddler - totally understandable. If she's stayed elsewhere for a night, she's already broken the rules - is he right not to trust her?

I agree with wildswan16, during these difficult times it’s important to be supportive.
Wanting to see your AD is normal. A walk in the park sounds lovely.

Surely it’s better to give a little than burden local mental health services?

Absolutely not! Has she no thought for you, her grandchild and your DH - never mind herself and what you could bring to her?! If she is having problems with anxiety and BP she needs to seek medical advice - by phone!

I think if YOU want to see your mum, then yes, at a distance if you live close And do it safely, front garden or the likes, you are protecting all involved, so no she shouldn’t be putting demands on you. It’s almost like your in the middle of both your husband and mum.... It does sound like she’s depressed, maybe already had these tendencies?, in which case she should reach out to those that can help, doctors, online help grps etc. Perhaps you can be a little tougher if you don’t agree with the meeting up idea and tell her your just following the rules.

66! My mother is 91 and having to cope alone, and only getting as far as exercising in the flats car park at the moment. at least yours can go to the park on her own

And Grandmattie- "going against your husband"??what is it 1950's still??im sure this lady does have her own mind too- she doesnt have to do what her husband tells her to(regards a walk) nor her mum either- & certainly not an 18mth old child! Despite her protests it sounds like she does miss her mum,even a bit,as do we all miss our relatives at this time- but going for a short walk IS allowed- for exercise and your all treating her as though she's comitting a crime! She needs to find a way to go for a walk safely,under her own rules.and stick to them.then she should be fine.and safe..But NO having her mum in house, until this is all over! And she needs to point that out to her sister as well,as the more people do stuff like that the longer this will go on!

I think if you can take a united response you will succeed in persuading her that you are not going to see her or allow her to come to your home.

You say your son has tantrums and it sounds like you expect that your mother will have a tantrum too. I expect she will as you will be denying her something she wants.
Is that a bad thing? No in the case of a toddler or a mother knowing that we can’t have instant gratification for every want will only help us to be better people.

Talk to your husband about how you are feeling and get his support. It will not be easy but stay calm and stick to a script (write down what you want to say to her ) and don’t let your mother lead you off into areas you know will upset you.

If you are firm and confident with her in the end you will have a more healthy relationship. It will be very difficult but if you can get your husband to support you it is possible!

I’ve just noticed she is only 66! What! The way you describe her I imagined she was at least 80.Like my mum who has not seen us for a month.

She needs a counsellor for the depression.

Is it possible to meet in the woods or do you have to take her? If you could, you could walk and talk if you distance.

My husband ‘saw’ his mum yesterday. They sat well apart outside her back door and had a long chat, which made her feel better, and he left her some flowers.

Also, can she zoom or Skype?

I think sometimes people’s mental well-being is equally important. She can’t meet and hug you or your child, but you can meet if you distance properly.

Absolutely NOT! You must not break the advisory rules whatsoever!

Seems to me that your mum is playing to your conscience! If she is active and fairly mobile she should be encouraged to go for a daily walk on her own and keeping a safe distance from all other people. Sitting on the sofa all day moping and feeling sorry for oneself helps no one!

FaceTime, phone and email but do not meet up with her!

No sorry you shouldn't see her. I miss my children and grandchildren terribly but we haven't met up in person since before lockdown. We video chat talk on the phone and swap photos and messages Etc it's not the same and it's physically hurts not to see them. I also suffer from anxiety and worry I or they will die and we won't see each other again. But i still wouldn't suggest we meet up as much as I long to hug them I won't.

I'm nearly 65, your mum is 66, not 106.

I'm currently receiving immunotherapy treatment for skin cancer and can't go out at all, except for essential runs to hospital for treatment and blood tests.
I haven't seen my 7 year old grandson for a month, except through a closed car window on my way back from treatment 2 weeks ago. We What'sApp video each other every night though which is great.
You mustn't give into emotional blackmail. My mum was a wonderful woman, but prone to that herself - 'Look what I've done for you' etc. etc. Your mum sounds depressed - laying on the sofa all day isn't normal behaviour. If she won't seek help herself, there's very little you can do as her GP would probably say they couldn't talk you you without her permission as that would be breaking patient confidentiality.
If you feel you have to see her in person, go to her house and stand at the end of her path with your toddler in the buggy and have a chat, or she could go to yours, but I agree with other posters - don't let that extend into either of you going further up the path and ending in a visit inside the house. Don't go for a walk together either as you can't be sure she would keep to the social distancing guidelines.

You would never forgive yourself if you, your little one or your mum caught the virus, so stick to videos until things improve.

Good luck.

What if you did meet up at a distance with your mum (which is wrong to start with)? What if she kept coming nearer to you? You would have to keep backing away, which would make the whole situation more fraught.

You CANNOT meet up with people from another household, relatives or not. This is the whole point of isolation. What if we all decided that it was okay to meet up with others even keeping the distance? There'd be far too many people out there. The guidelines are strict for a reason.

It is incredibly hard, I know that. I'm at home with elderly parents who are both in the high-risk group. My niece will collect medication once a week but stands a good distance away from the front door when she delivers. She is an incredibly huggy person so this is very difficult for all of us. My brother does a weekly shop for us, leaving the shopping at the door.

I'm missing my boyfriend like hell - concerned for him as he's on his own in a flat with no immediate/direct safety access to a garden. But I will stay at home because I want this whole thing to be over. But it won't be if the guidelines are slowly chipped away.

Everyone has given great advice about activities & phone numbers, etc. Does your mother read? You can still order books online (independent bookshops really need our support) & have them sent to her.

Your priority, harsh as it seems, must be you, your husband and your child.

Sounds like youre letting your child control you too! Hes 18mths just because he CAN walk/talk doesnt mean he has to! Stick him in a buggy for walk- so what if he throws a tantrum!

I completely disagree with this. This is terrible advice.

So the OP should put her young son in a situation where, given his age, has no other way to communicate other than throwing a tantrum because, let’s face it, what 18 month old is going to be happy about being kept in their pram in a park on a nice, sunny day, all to the please her mum? Who else does this benefit? Not the OP, not her son. What a cruel, unnecessary situation to put the child in. It would be best if he were left at home.

OP, the reason I haven’t taken my young son to see my parents through their window is for the exact same reason as you. He is too young to understand and I will not cause him any distress unnecessarily.

Don't meet her. You must do the right thing for your family unit. If you meet once, she will want it to continue. If your husband has been controlling in the past, it's likely he knew he had to assert himself or your mum would gain control over you. Maybe speak to her GP advising your concern for her. Then try to keep in touch in other ways and discuss some hobbies and pastimes that may be possible at home or online. Good luck.

Don't do it. Your Mum has multi-layered issues here. She is being selfcentred. Your priority is your family unit. Be supportive to your Mum through FT, Zoom or telephone. If she starts to be negative toward you calmly end the call. Also, suggest that she see her gp as soon as possible as you are concerned about her. Tell your family what you have said to her and why. Maintain regular contact, even though you don't enjoy it, but gently cut it short when anything negative starts. Arguing with her will achieve nothing other than draining your reserves. Don't allow her to manipulate you. It is hard but you have every right to get on and enjoy your own life. Good luck.

Cplj.
Some parents are very clever at putting pressure on their children. Your mother is only 66 and quite capable of being able to get on with her life like we all do in these circumstances.
Let her know that you care for her by not visiting her as who knows where the virus is lurking. Your husband is right. She should not be putting pressure on you to visit.Neither should you give in to her selfishness.

@CPLJ I am 84 with underlying health conditions, but live alone and enjoy being independent. My daughter works from home and lives about 40 minutes away. She likes to visit me once a week. She arrives, rings the door bell, I then go and open the doors to the patio, and move back to my armchair a good 2 metres away. She walks around to the back patio, sits in a garden chair and we chat quite happily and safely for about an hour. I don’t know if you could place a chair in a similar way, speaking distance from a window. Would that help? My daughter brings me groceries and medication at the same time and leaves them on my doorstep.

A very good ‘measure’ of whether to do something or not is ‘If you have to ask, you shouldn’t do it’.