Adult Son is a Verbal Bully - any ideas how to react?

Grannypiper, I've told him he's a bully but his retort is "stop playing the victim". Whatever I say he twists it to suit him. I'm exhausted with it all. Thanks for your advice ?

I feel for you Annie, You will never change him, he sounds bloody awful. Personally i dont think he will ever learn until he has a virtual smack on the face. If i was you i would re write my will leaving his "share" to his children (40% each) and 20% to his wife on the condition she spends it on herself. I would leave a sentence for him in my will telling him the reason he is not getting a penny because he is a god awful bully. If he is never told he will never have the chance to change, it is the job of the parent to tell the truth no matter how old the offspring is

Hetty. I know he loves his job, so it's not that. I keep trying to find an excuse for his appalling behaviour, but I need to stop this and accept he is a bully. This hurts me deeply obviously as he's my son, but his actions and words are just too awful.

My eldest was entirely unlikeable for a while. He had a stressful, yet lucrative, sales job. He went on about how much he enjoyed it - and the money.

He'd arrive home wound up, loud, hyper-alert and bad tempered. He was verbally vicious to me and his siblings. He had no patience or empathy. We really didn't like him!

Of course, underneath all that bravado, he was deeply unhappy - but couldn't/wouldn't admit it.. He suddenly left the job and returned to study for a degree. It was just like he'd had a personality transplant. The old considerate, loving and thoughtful son returned. He told us he'd hated the job!

Soda pop, thank you. Yes, this isolation stuff brings everything to the fore, doesn't it. However, I so need to address this issue and I appreciate your help.

Etheltbags, thank you

Easybee, thank you. I hadn't even considered your remark about contempt towards women, but you are absolutely right. Spot on!

I agree with Hetty your son is responsible for his own behaviour try to distance yourself from his comments. It's not easy AnnieOakley when our adult children are hurtful I sympathise with you. It's all too easy now we are all stuck at home to dwell on these things but try not to do that, you have done nothing wrong.

I can relate to this post but cannot comment
Thinking of you x

Do everything you can to maintain contact with your daughter in law and grandchildren and don't give up on them, but don't criticise your son to them.

I don't think he will change; there is an underlying contempt towards women which I recognise as he sounds exactly like my father in law; he liked to demean the females in his family as women's liberation threatened his imagined superiority. Something similar is happening with your son, but I don't think you can address it.

Hetty58 thank you. I've no idea what his issues are as he is more than financially secure with a fantastic career. He wants for absolutely nothing in the material sense. He has already had an affair with his wife's best friend, and felt no remorse about that either. His wife begged and pleaded to have him home again, forgave him, and is not prepared to stand up for herself as she fears he will leave her again.
Am I allowed to say that I don't actually like my son most of the time??!!

Missfoodlove, thank you. I have a daughter who lives hundreds of miles away but I know she won't stand up to him, despite feeling the same way. She won't rock the boat or interfere, and I have to respect that.

Remember that you are not the cause of his behaviour. He obviously has issues.

Yes, as Missfoodlove says, keep in touch with his family - but refuse to be hurt by his remarks.

Your mother role is over (long ago) so he must work through his problems himself. (Let's hope he does.)

To have reached this conclusion must have been a long and painful journey.

You are right and must stick to your guns. I advise that you somehow try to maintain contact with his wife and your grandchildren but do not cave in.

Do you have other children and of so are they of the same opinion?
You need someone who knows your son to support you and perhaps speak to him.

Good luck.

Thanks Arty Sue ?

Sorry, I don't know what to say but I don't want you to be alone in this so I'm sending a virtual hug.