Loving relationship with married adult DS?

He phones, he comes to see us and he cooks for us and they both welcome us to theirs just as they know they are always welcome at our house.

But I know that his lovely wife and children are the most important people in his life.

Well, Yummysushi, it sound like you have a MIL similar to my mother. Many hours of counselling helped me make the decision that I would never leave my children with her again because she was always undermining me and my husband.
It sounds like your MIL is highly manipulative, feels that she can say anything she likes because she is his mother and has probably been like it all his life so has damaged your husband's self-esteem. It is a strange thing but the children of people like this know what their parent is like but still have that childish desire to try to make things right. He is telling himself that if he gets things right, including lending money to his siblings, somehow the relationship will come right. Of course, you and all of us know it won't. Until he can sort that out in his head, he won't be able to help himself.
The only thing you can do is stay calmly firm. You aren't denying access, you are just saying that it has to be at your house with you. If you have to explain, be honest. Tell her calmly that you will not allow her to undermine you or your husband with your children and that is your job to protect your children. She won't like it but she really doesn't have to. I'd be calmly telling my husband that if he lends money he doesn't have, he'll have to find a way to pick up the pieces. By raiding your savings you are enabling him to continue this behaviour.
My son would never allow me to bad mouth his wife in front of him and I respect the both of him not to. Your husband should stop his mother in her tracks if she bad mouths you. She can only divide you if he lets her. It's like that nasty triangle kids use to divide their parents. Once they stand firmly together, they lose that power. Maybe couples counselling would help him see that.

I'd just be saying to her, "MIL, this IS the baby's name. You can use it, or baby will be referring to you as Grandma Who We Don't See."

As far as baby-sitting, you need to be very clear with her that she won't be doing that. Again, just tell her that you don't need a sitter. She can't force help that you don't want.

So we called MIL trying to make her feel involved. Showed her some clothes form my hospital bag. My DH with me on video call so she can see her grandchild too.

She didn’t want to tell us when she was coming but thankfully turned out she is coming 2 weeks after I deliver ( I gave her the wrong dates because she was wanting to “surprise us”). She is coming for a full month.

She asked my DH to take holiday leave before she comes so she can take over the baby care when here. I told DH I will compromise and let him take his holiday leave when she is here so he can spend time with her. She didn’t seem interested in that as she wanted him out of the way so she can find her way to baby sit and I really am not ready for that.

But I stayed polite and didn’t say anything.

But most importantly the conversation started with her asking me wat I will call the baby. When I said what I want to name the baby.. she told me I had bad taste, it was superficial, over used name and I’m copying everyone else. I tried politely explain why we like the name and she was adamant I’m superficial and have bad taste.

Then she goes saying how our choice of name for my son was bad as well.. and how she can’t believe we picked his name.

Thing is I remained very polite and gave her reasons and then changed the topic.

But I’m all honestly I think it doesn’t get to me because I’m able to keep my distance and not have her impose her views on me..

But seeing how she is adamant to force me to be close to her, I will have to deal with things like that and assert some boundaries.. I don’t know how to do anything other than being polite.

DH was also just saying how it’s a good name and we like it. But she defiantly believes in humiliating someone until they do things her way. I really don’t know how to handle things like that.

I also don’t like the saying and I dot think it applies in my case.

Might apply in some cases but it’s jit always the default.

I’m sure MIL knew I was keen to be part of their family and had no interest in stealing anyone

Thanks everyone there’s is a special kind of reassurance when validated by someone from motherly/MIL position,

Because I always wonder whether “I will only know when my son grows up and gets married ”. But truth is I know how much I love my son and I feel that statement is making me carry the blame for something I had no contribution in and blaming me for lacking empathy and being selfish.

I guess mothers of adult sons is the closest I have to someone who can empathize if I am remotely misunderstanding MILs behavior.

I just feel like I actually have more empathy than is to my benefit and I blame that to be the reason why I got severely mistreated. Because I always excused it as “it’s a phase until she learns to trust me that I’m not one of those girls that take her son away”. I was always defending myself as the good girl whenever she mistreated me because I felt that deep down she is just a mother who loves her son and needs time to figure it out as I’m the first serious commitment he had.

But I think there is a limit to human decency towards others and I felt the level she reached due to feeling desperately unable to cut the strings was quite malicious. I have never assumed she had that side to her.. maybe she had reasons why she was suspicious of me and didn’t trust me.. because I suddenly reduced my level of contact after discovering she had sent a message slandering me to DH. Maybe she thought if I was a good daughter in law I would’ve been able to see past that. The excuse I was given by her daughter was that she was upset at her son for not listening to her and going on a trip somewhere she didn’t like so as a way to humiliate him she decided to slander his wife ?!!. But I’m a human being I’m not a little tool in between to make points. The fact I’m expected to move past it is even more insulting to me.. no apology ever received and apparently she tried making it up to DH because it was between her and him.

Apparently when she makes digs at me it’s excusable because she is just frustrated at her son and wants him to try harder.. and that - in my husbands words- since I’m the nicer person who won’t make drama out of things, it’s easier to take things out on me.. again no appology, apparently her being a mother is the ultimate excuse.

I never got rude back. I just retreated into my own safe shell where I can’t be used as a way to score points at DH. But for that I got many sticks and ended up almost losing my marriage because I’m a bad daughter in law who is breaking up the family. I received tremendous abuse simply because I wouldn’t excuse rudeness. DH didn’t stick up for me after he got abused too.. but what he did is he understood that I’m my own person and can decide what works for me and I have no obligation to accept or excuse disrespect. And I told him until he figures out his mother and how to overcome their issue I won’t be the distraction in the middle.

I cannot comprehend it or understand it and it frightens me to have someone in my personal space who is that unstable and is ready to harm others just to make themselves feel better. I have no doubt that she knew that I did nothing to instigate this. But she also thought that I did not value my self respect and so she took advantage. She was right, I didn’t. But then I suffered a mental breakdown and when I got pregnant I realized I too am now a mother and need to decide what’s best for my family.. and that I cannot remain passive.

I mean I somehow hope that when DH figures out how to set up some boundaries that maybe I will be able to process what happened in a less threatened way.. and perhaps find my empathy.

Sometimes I wish it was salvageable but I want to be fair on myself too.

If MIL sees me as a tool to abuse her own son, because I’m the nice one and I’m not allowed to ever be upset about it... then I don’t know how can I trust to have someone like that in my personal space.

Sorry for the moan.

I’m not trying to sound like a victim. I’m just trying to understand whether there is hope. I don’t understand how something like that could be a “mistake” that needs forgiving. It’s more like an attitude that needs changing but I’m not sure I believe people change attitudes like that. Do they??

She is trying to prove to her son that she is better.. but what about me? I’m not collateral damage. I’m separate. She can have a good relationship with him but she can’t expect me to pretend nothing happened..

I just resent the fact she sees me as excusable collateral damage.. and as if I don’t have my own identity. And that my DH should be a man and “force” me to have the relationship with her that she pleases or give me an ultimatum.

To her I’m an object not a human. Even though I have been rather compassionate with her for years..

Even as an example though...it’s setting a potential daughter in law up to fail.
It’s pitting two women against each other: of course there will be tension if of person (mil in this case) views it as a dil stealing her son.
Or conversely, a DIL getting annoyed a MIL won’t just fade to the back ground like she’s supposed to.

See how badly it sets people up?

I have two sons one lives not too far from me and messages me regularly, keeps telling I am welcome at his house anytime. When I say he has a young family and doesn’t need me getting in the way he told me that everything he is he owes to me so his home is my home too. My elder son lives a three hour drive away but sends me messages and clips of his son to keep up to date with my grandson’s progress.

I don’t see either of them as much as I would like but I work full time and am very aware that by the time I get to them after work it is coming up to bath and bedtime and I don’t want to get them excited. My younger son who lives quite near me wants me to move closer to him which is lovely. I am very lucky.

Yes good that it is an old saying , but for some people there may be an element of truth.
I posted it as an example.

Building a good relationship is built like a wall Yummy, i.e from both sides. It has to have good foundations; both of you willing to work on it and both of you actually wanting it to be a good relationship. If one of you is carrying a grudge; suspicious that the other one isn't doing enough or not pulling their weight, it will fail.

The person you should speak to is you OH and then your MIL. If they're not willing to work and make this relationship improve, you're on a hiding to nothing. You need to have that conversation.

No, she is absolutely making her own choices. 100%.

You would just feel less impact if he stood up to her.

Bridgeit I hate that expression. So Misogynistic. Always blaming women for stealing sons and hurting mothers

So are you saying that I should not have any grudges or ill feelings towards her because she is innocent in all this and can be excused as the blame completely falls on DH?

Im Genuinely curious

The old saying goes:

If you have a daughter you have a daughter for life,
If you have son it’s only until your son takes a wife.

Words worth remembering sometimes.

I agree with you that if he managed the situation better by standing up for you, your MIL and you would have a chance to have a relationship and maybe you could be able to trust her

Your dh is being selfish by choosing what is easier for him, no matter where it leaves everybody else.

If he is so torn, he should get into therapy and learn that when he married you, he promised to put you first. He is suffering because he chooses to.

He is not a victim, do not give him sympathy for the difficult situation he created himself.

To those saying I have a DH problem I agree.

But do u think that if my DH knew how to handle the situation better then me and his mother would get on ?

I don’t think he is the only problem. His problem is because it is indeed very difficult for him to face the conflict with her when he will lose his entire family, assets, siblings, love... we never had those issues because he started being emotionally abused which is why I’m being patient. He is in denial but not letting these things happen just because he wants to. He is suffering very much. Perhaps more than me. Because he wishes he wasn’t so torn.

I didn't have a very good relationship with my mil - she was the mother of 6 sons (I got the youngest) and I got the feeling that she undervalued 'daughters' from lots of snidey comments that she made whenever somebody had a baby girl (perhaps jealousy).

I have 2 dils - one is a really lovely girl who is in regular contact with me and is definitely responsible for turning my younger son from a teenage idiot into a wonderful family man!

The other dil announced - on our first meeting - that her family couldn't stand people from the city that we lived in. When he first met this girl, my eldest son owned his own house and had a good job but she didn't work. The house got sold and they've lived in rented accommodation ever since. She has never kept a job for more than a year - and I can't believe how easily she manages to find jobs when leaves one so easily - with a pattern of being 'off-sick' for around 6wks before leaving. She also goes to hospital A&E frequently, gets kept in 'for observations' and then sent back home after a couple of days, after posting all over Facebook about what she's had done, including photos of drips etc. I don't hear very often from my son - but when he does come around, she's always with him and I never get to see him on his own any more. He's stopped telling me whenever she visits hospitals - I'm sure he's rather embarrassed by this behaviour.

Lots of other things about her behaviour, but if I listed them all, it would look like I'm being vindictive - ouch .

I’m sorry.
I agree , it sounds like a husband problem.

I don’t think it’s ever at all in her nature to apologize or respect my timeline or boundaries. To her that’s very demeaning .

100 percent won’t ever happen. I so wish so at least I can be sure this won’t happen again.

What does she have to do for me to be able to trust her again ? My DH seems to think that by her expressing her eagerness for meeting the newborn that she is making up for what happened in the past and trying to show a new side.

You have a dh problem.
If she wants to turn a new side, she apologizes to you first.

I would invite her to meet your child, but only once you are settled. That might me the same day, a few days later or a few weeks.

If she’s sincere about her change, she’ll respect your timeline

yummysushi only you know what it would take to feel comfortable with her.
For me, it would start with time, and continued respect of my wishes

I have just the one DS and now a DDIL. We get on very well indeed, so much so, that her mother and I have become firm friends who go out together frequently and even holiday together. Makes for a less stressful life if you can get on with your in laws.

narrow you sound very lucky indeed

What does she have to do for me to be able to trust her again ? My DH seems to think that by her expressing her eagerness for meeting the newborn that she is making up for what happened in the past and trying to show a new side.

I was very fortunate to have had two lovely, kind and generous MiLs, both now dead, sadly.

I have now been blessed with a beautiful, funny, clever, kind, caring and down to earth DiL. She keeps my DS so very happy and they have given us three beautiful GC.

I also have a beautiful, funny, clever, kind, caring DD, who found herself an equally funny, clever, kind and caring DH, so I have been blessed with him as a SiL too. They have also presented us with three beautiful GC.

We could not ask for more.