Palliative care versus treatment- should one try to influence?

My mother has just transitioned from palliative care to hospice- She's 100- Could more have been done prior? I think so- But it wasn't my decision to make- Those hard facts don't stop me from "feeling" like I want someone to "fix her", to help her regain her health instead of letting her go- She's my mum after all- However it's her life and her decision- I have to understand and honor it- But I also understand anyone who feels like they wish more could be done for a loved one-

If she really has been told it is curable I can well understand her family's pain.
It may be tough for her but if I thought I was going to beat it I would do it.

I would say definitely her choice. My father chose palliative care for his bile duct cancer at the age of 92. He said “I’ve had a good innings”. He died with dignity and faith. His oncologist told him he would have made the same choice in his position.

To be fair, she is currently not ill as such. That must be a dilemma really as she feels ok but knows it will get worse.

Dh wont do any more in the way of 'persuasion' than giving her the phone number and both of us have offered support to her and her family whatever she eventually decides.

We are of the opinion that it is her choice but I wondered whether we missing something by feeling that way.

Thank you for all comments - it seems we are not missing anything.

I think it is up to your friend but it must be so hard for her husband and daughter.

It can't be easy for them to think rationally when their loved one is so ill.

It is her life and her decision entirely. It is between her and her family but hopefully they will accept her wishes. I do not think anybody else should involve themselves. If it were me I would hope pressure would not be exerted on me by outside influences.

The decision is totally the patients

It's not about how many days you have left. It's about how many good days and being pain-free and comfortable for as long as possible.

Nobody should be pressured into undergoing treatment that they don't want, and certainly not to spare the feelings of family members. There's already a lot of pressure from doctors and society. Think of all that's said about bravely fighting cancer etc. and the negativity associated with giving up or letting go!

I expect they are scared of her dying, and the pain she may experience before that. They are perhaps hoping for more time with her.

I have given very clear instructions to my family that they need to get me a one-way ticket to the clinic in Switzerland, should I ever get too ill.

She has been told it is curable but the treatment will be hard and there could be life changing effects.

trisher, I have suggested Macmillan to her husband.

Her choice entirely. Treatment may help, but will also reduce the quality of time she has left both for her family to enjoy her presence, and for her to enjoy theirs.

Friends and relatives need to try to think about it from the "patients" point of view, rather than their own sadness at the thought of loss.

My sister stopped all treatment for her cancer. She was advised that she would only have another 6 months.
She lived another 3 years. Her quality of life in that 3 years was good, infact most people didn't know she had the disease.
It wasn't until the last 3 months that she needed palliative care.
I believe it has to be that persons choice.

I would say just that (her life, her choice) to the family, kitty, and, if necessary, expand on that to the effect that wanting someone to stay alive when they don't want to could be seen as cruel. Medical treatment and care is not just about saving or prolonging life. Just as importantly it's about reducing suffering. Sometimes death is the only satisfactory way to reduce suffering.

This is my opinion and I don't think beating about the bush and not being direct helps anyone.

Such a sad and difficult situation.

My own feeling is that your friend has the clear right to say she only wants palliative care but I do realise how distressing that decision must be for her husband and daughter.

If the prognosis is that she is terminally ill, then I feel you should try to support her in her decision. To her husband and daughter, you should perhaps just say, if they mention the matter, "I am afraid I am in complete agreement with N, but I do realise why you find her decision hard to accept."

Please do not allow yourself to be drawn into trying to change your friend's mind. If you know her husband and daughter really well, you could gently point out that with any incurable illness there comes a time when the patient realises that she will not recover and should be allowed to die as peacefully and painlessly as possible.

This is shatteringly difficult to accept, but I know from the terminal stages of my sister's illness that it has to be faced.

You have all my greatest sympathy.

Yes of course it's her choice and I understand why your friend feels like that kittylester
However her family must feel devastated by this decision. I think her family should ensure she has all the relevant information before things are finalised.
Sometimes the kindest thing is also the hardest.

I think that sometimes, a person has just had enough.
My DH and I have both had cancer this last year, and although we are ?OK at the moment, we have both said that if any other life limiting illness came along, we would just prefer to be made comfortable, and not have invasive treatment.
Sometimes the 'cure', can be worse than the disease.
DH is 80 and I am 77, so far we have had good lives and wouldn't like to prolong them for the sake of a few months or so.
The decision has to be left to the patient to make their own choice.

A dear friend chose no more treatment. Her family supported her knowing her for the intelligent woman she was. I am very proud to have known her.

kittylester Have the family been in touch with Macmillan? They offer counselling to the families of cancer patients and I am sure they would discuss this properly with them. I know a few people who have used them and they have all been helped through difficult times.

Bags my thoughts precisely

I agree baggs but how to say that to her family. Dh has done a good thing, I hope

Her life, her choice.

Oh how difficult.

Of course she must be allowed to make her own decision, hopefully with the support of her family, but obviously they want her to try everything she can, even if there’s just a glimmer of hope, I feel for all of them.

I hope they respect her wishes.

Dh knows someone who has been through a similar thing and has agreed to talk to her if she wants to call him. She has said she will. She had a previous experience of having breast cancer 20 years ago which I think might be colouring her thinking.

My best friend had pancreatic cancer- her husband just could not let go and took her from expensive specialist and private clinics- more and more invasive treatment. she did not want it - it made her last few months an absolute misery- she wanted him to spend time with her talk, hold hands, cuddle ...
She was a member of Exit (similar to Dignitas- but in your own home) - but she died in a posh clinic, where she did NOT want to be.