What advice to give a friend

I know what you’re saying notanan, and mostly agree, but I don’t think it’s necessarily about control, I think they just get into situations they’re too nice to get out of!

I think the adult children are pathetic, and really need to grow up, and stop taking advantage, but without a massive boot up the bum, that’s not likely to happen

So , unless the parents are ready to end this very one sided relationship, it’s more than likely to just drag on

The OPs friends dont sound worried about having maybe enabled their son to be so dependant on them. They just sound worried about how they can keep this dysfunctional situation going now that they are retired and cant afford to run two houses!

That sounds more about msintaining their interests than a normal caring interest in their son IMO

It does though Sara

With these kinds of parents, when the ACs express that they are looking to move out and houseshare with friends etc, the parents arent IMO being "helpful" when they refuse to sit back and let them figure it out alone. They are being selfish. They dont want to not be involved.

E.g. when friends brother wanted to move out with mates, the parents sourced a family friends house that was for rent, then told their AC it would be rude to the family friend to not chose that one as it was all already being sorted.... they kept their fingers firmly in the pie so when it inevitably wasnt the fun houseshare with mates their son hoped it would be, they packed him up and brought him home.

It was all about them not wanting to be "redundant" as the parents of adults. Never about his needs IMO.

I have known him since childhood and his siblings share my view

It's too late. They have created an entitled man child. They should sell up and live in Spain.

I don’t think it starts that way, I agree with everything already said, but I think it begins because they want to be supportive, and once they start paying rent, doing washing, in the instance of our friends CLEANING THE FLAT!!! It’s hard to back track.

Their son also had a short relationship, and has fifteen year old twin daughters, they also feel responsible for them!!!

I'm sorry. I can't take this situation seriously. They can't be that stupid.

If anyone is a bit dim it's probably the son. He sounds like their pet project.

I'm sorry. I can't take this situation seriously. They can't be that stupid.

They spoke to him and suggested he get a part time job so he can make a contribution towards the outgoings of the property.

See. They don't want him to be independant . A part time job to help him stay in the co-dependant situation they created but can no longer afford to maintain is VERY different to encouraging him to be independant. They are not asking him to move out or contribute fully... just to do enough to maintain the status quo now that their income has reduced

I bet you they do not want him fully independant. They have created and maintained this role for themselves in his life and I bet they dont want to lose it!

Stay out if it. They dont want advice. They prob just want gushing praise about how good they have been to him and how grateful he should be. He is indebted to them that is for sure, but that doesnt IMO actually reflect that well on them as parents at all!

I think the washing thing suggest the parents are as needy as the AC. Who does their kids laundry for forty years unless they are struggling to let go of their role of carer once their children reach adulthood?

My children managed their own laundry loads from 10! But then I do not expect them to be my companions and my occupation when they themselves are adults..

They have done him an injustice too.

Just because he was the one taking the money doesnt mean they werent taking other things from him. Some people need to think they are needed, and some parents who are that way inclined struggle to step back when AC are adults, and like to think their AC cant manage without them so create this self fulfilling prophecy.

It can be a drip drip drip knocking away the ACs confidence to manage alone. Ive seen it happen in both the examples above. Setting their AC up to fail almost, then being there poised to swoop in and rescue them, often when they dont need it, but if the people around you keep telling you you cant manage alone, it sinks in and you begin to believe it!

Some people like keeping their children from being independant in this way. Don't assume that the situation is not mutually beneficial in a twisted dysfunctional way

I know parents like this, in one example one of the children did leave the paid for home (10 mins from parents house) and moved away to give a proper career a good shot. A really good shot. When it failed the AC was devastated but the parents were positively gleeful! Excitedly talking about how they would "get them back"

I have also seen it cause marraige problems in other families when one side uses money to keep a level of control and involvement in the couple/young family.

Another friend I know has one sibling out of 3 that the parents "support" like this. But what they have actually done is cripple and enable him. The other two were super independant and IMO they compensated for this by tightening their grip on the one they kept at home. The money they give him gives them a hold over him. Its actually really sad. I would go so far as to say its almost like a form of controlling emotional abuse: his mental health has deteriorated over the years but I remember him when he was a young man, he was capable but very easy going, he sort of slipped into the habit of staying home and it suited his parents at the time. Years later they decided that he was a problem and tried to get his siblings to take over his "care". They refused as he is an intelligent and amiable man, just stuck in an unheathy co-dependancy with his parents

It can be a form of control, you know. Funding someone in this way.

So your friends have suddenly decided they want out but they did create and maintain the situation in the first place!

I'm sure we had this scenario before (maybe there's a lot of entitled musicians out there....)
I do think one issue is 'notice'. If someone has, however unreasonably, been supported for years, of course they are going to be annoyed when it is withdrawn!
So so I'd advise your friends to give notice - enough time for their son to find a part-time job or similar. 1-3 months sounds reasonable - and no nagging during that time. Then put up with the tantrum that belonged 20+ years ago.
I book acts for our local music festival - I know how little musicians earn, I know how grateful most of them are to family who offer 'back up' and I also know the part-time jobs they do to survive, and the difficult decisions they make (one fabulous band won't be returning because they couldn't make a living and have gone back to the day jobs, with only the occasional local gig)
As for you - just remember that your friends may just want to moan and not actually want advice!

If I was being flippant I might say they are getting off lightly if he does not speak to them !

I have never heard the like of it - a grown man in his 40's being totally supported by his parents....I wonder if they would like to adopt me ???

Quite frankly , this man/child needs to know that the gravy train has stopped, don't worry about a part time job- get a full time one like people do who have to support themselves. Charge him and rent and give him his laundry back !!

Tell your friends love is sometimes tough and its time they showed their child some. They will not always be around and he needs to stand on his own 2 feet.

What is he going to do when his parents are no longer around to pander to every whim? As for the dumped washing, that takes the biscuit. Does he have any siblings?

I would definitely dump his washing outside. Bringing your washing home to mum and asking nicely is bad enough at his age but to dump and run is beyond rude and would be the clincher for me.
As silverlining says he feels entitled. I would tell him, enough is enough. We have done all we can for you, now it's time you started behaving like an adult.
He may well distance himself (in someway he already has) but as their relationship isn't good anyway would that be preferable to the stress and drain on their purse that he is at the moment.
Sad really.

This should have been nipped in the bud at least 15 years ago. Time to put a stop to this over parenting. The son's taking the proverbial!

At age 40+ he should've been fending for himself years ago, not reliant on ageing parents, they have to get a back bone and tell him enough is enough.

We have friends in a very similar situation, it drives their other children mad, well I say children, they’re all in their fifties! But the man in question has just been diagnosed with a potentially serious illness, so I’m sure he’ll just go on taking, till there’s nothing left to take!

Trouble is he feels entitled because your friends have always let him get away with it. He needs to get a job and pay at least something if not all, towards rent and bills. He’s a middle aged man not a child. It’s not helping him if they allow this to carry on.
Dirty Washing should be put back in a bag and left outside and if he doesn’t speak to them, he will if they refuse to give in. He
Agreeing with you Beckett. Enough is enough.