son and Dil

Hi, your son needs his wife and baby at home, calm reflection and a welcoming home, and so does your sons wife. They sounds as though they both need help have they had counselling. Whatever you do don't interfere, have a chat with your son ask him if he needs help and point him in the right direction. Running to mum and being treated as a child by both sets of inlaws isn't the answer. Nowadays men are expected to help in the home and look after children too. Does your DIL work and who looks after the baby.
Go gently and quietly, look after the baby, then hand it back, reluctantly of course, and make another date to look after your grandchild. Give them time, leave them to it. Love them.

Oh dear - not full of good ideas excepting let them get on with it and just be prepared to help as and when asked to. Princess syndrome ?

I have encouraged him to talk to her but she does want to discuss it, she came back for 2 weeks and has gone again, i also need to mention ds mil turns up every week to take her back home.

Yes I agree luluaugust I wondered if I had missed something

I may have missed something here but is there a reason why he can't go and visit his wife at the weekend? I wonder if he knows why his wife has gone home to mum and isn't telling you, strange to be threatening divorce all of a sudden.

whoisthis your DS must be very upset about not seeing his child, but the first year after a new baby is a really testing time. Try to persuade him to contact Relate and ask about counselling, perhaps your DIL will agree to go and they will be able to resolve their differences. It sounds as if she doesn't want to go back to work and leave the baby, which is very understandable. Perhaps they have money problems and are arguing about this. Whatever it is you can only wait. Try not to side with your DS and condemn your DIL. I know that is hard when you can see she is upsetting him. If he can't go during the week could he visit at weekends and try to maintain contact that way? Good luck.

Sorry, if I unintentionally offended you, ReadyMeals. My question was caused by the fact that in traditional Indian culture young married women expect to go home to their parents at specific times, such as during pregnancy.

I agree that any one, man or woman has the right to go and visit their parents whenever they want.

whoisthis I can understand that you're worrying at night about it. One of my sons and his wife are going through a strange period at the moment, and I sometimes fear the worst. They've been married 24 years. Had a few sleepless nights.
I usually say some prayers for them all, I can't do anything myself apart from that.

Why is your DIL staying with her mum? And is she stopping him seeing the baby?

I understand how upset your son is but threatening a divorce just to get her to come home isn't going to get her home. They need counselling by the sound of it.

whoisthis you must be very worried. I think you're right to try to keep in touch with GC's mother if in a friendly tone. Hopefully if she sees you're not taking sides you'll be able to keep in touch with her and Baby even if a divorce does happen. Of course, you'll be hoping it doesn't.
Hope your phone pings with a reply from her

Its the middle of the night.I can't sleep, am really worried about this situation as my son has decided if she carries on doing this he will get a divorce, he has not seen his son for 3 weeks-the pain of losing my grandson does not go away.sent her a text to see how they were both doing but no reply.

Should add in this situation my DS would be devastated his wife wanted to be away from him for long periods.

I don’t think it’s fair to criticise OP in her upbringing of her son re looking after himself. I sure he can, but couples get used to supporting each other, as they should and it’s difficult when they are separated.
I’m a paternal grandma. I would be upset if DS had his child away from him for weeks at a time..DiL’s parents shouldn’t be encouraging it.
Yes, I think they do need couples counselling. Support them both and keep lines of communication open with DiL

Welcome to the site. This situation is a mind field for you. Stay well out of it, don't take sides and don't say things about your daughter in law to your son. It could blow up in your face and impact your time with your grand-child. Zip it. Your son is old enough to take care of himself, might do him good. Good luck, tricky situation.

Presumably by she will not go back to work you mean your DIL - is she still on maternity leave? Who is going to care for the baby when she does go back to work?
Are they having money worries?

She is obviously unhappy or cannot cope - they have to sort this out between them but your son does not seem to know what is wrong and he needs to find out before they can begin to repair their relationship.

MyDS can look after himself, i can see he is very unhappy and i can se his work suffering as a result. Child is 8 months old and she will not go back to work-my ds gets very upset when she goes home -he is unable to visit as they live distance away.in the last 2 months she has spent more time with them then with ds.

luluaugust makes a good point - how long have they been together and how strong was their relationship before the upheaval of a baby?
Is your DIL suffering from PND?

Perhaps you could help your son to understand that adjustments may need to be made now there is a baby to consider and he may be expected to pull his weight rather more.

"Try not to take sides" is always good advice.

Grandtante, it's every woman's "right" to visit her parents whenever and for how long she wants! While I'd encourage every woman to think about the effects her choices might have on others, I certainly wouldn't like to have the behaviour described in this thread thought of as specifically being natural for Indian women!

I understand your concern, but have they asked for your advice?

If not, remember the old proverb, "Næ guid comes of meddling between man and wife."

You can still ask your son if he wants to discuss the problems with you.

Your DIL isn't Indian by any chance and regards it as natural and her right to visit her parents with her child at stated intervals?

I'm in the same kind of hobble with a daughter who says brightly, "Everything's fine" when I ask. I know it is not all fine, but she doesn't feel like confiding, which I have to respect.

nice user name, and welcome to a supportive and genuine bunch of people.

I had same thoughts as ReadyMeals - could son not visit wife and child at her parents' house? From OP, it doesn't sound like she has permanently left him.

March DIL isn't being treated like a child. She's probably catching up on sleep, eating, drinking hot tea
I always thought that was being treated as a child and was very grateful when my mum came up to help me when my babies were born. unfortunately it only lasted a week.

I see what some of you are saying about he can look after himself. But we're not just talking about a relationship between the couple here - there is a baby, and this arrangement is almost certainly interfering with the father and child bonding. How far away are the dil's family? Is it feasible for DS to go over there to spend time with the baby or even take it out on his own (if there is a problem with the couple being together for instance)

'Of course it's nice to go home to mum and to be treated like a child again, but how is this OK but it's not OK for the OP to say her son isn't being looked after?'

I bet any money that DIL isn't being treated like a child. She's probably catching up on sleep, eating, drinking hot tea and getting the support she needs as a first time mum or even recovering. We don't know how many month she is post partum.

OP is worried that her son has been left to look after himself. So while DIL has been looking after their baby she's had to look after a grown ass man too.
She is not his mother.
Who has been looking after the wife/mother? No one from the sounds of it which I imagine why she has gone home.

“No one knows what goes on behind closed doors” as the song goes ! But others are right, only they can make or break the relationship. Does your son confide in you ? If so that’s your cue to offer advice, otherwise you have to take a step back. Have you been close to DIL to offer support, in case they break up, so the child has continuity. Very difficult for you .....