mean relative

I had an aunt who made life difficult for us all because my mother had been brought up to never upset her, by criticizing anything her sister did or said.

As an adult I refused to conform to the don't upset your aunt policy and told her politely if her behaviour annoyed or upset me. After a while my aunt did try to modify her behaviour.

You have the option of telling your sister-in-law that from now on when she comes to visit which you hope she still will want to, you really must ask her to contribute something, as you and your husband are finding it difficult to manage on your pensions. Add that regretfully you will need to give much smaller presents in the future.

If you don't say anything, things won't change.

Your other options are either to grin and bear it, or to invite her less frequently and only for short visits. "We find it too tiring to have visitors very often at our age".

Slightly off topic but a similar type of situation - I’m going out tonight in Malaga with a group of ladies - 8 of us in total for dinner in a restaurant. I’m already dreading the ‘well I only had water/one glass of wine/no dessert/just coffee conversations when the bill arrives at the table. I know I’d like a G&T on arrival, pre dinner so I’ve already decided to head to the bar and buy it before I sit down .... the comments on here about givers & takers just reminded me of what it will be like (again) tonight. It sort of spoils the evening for me. One lady in particular opens her purse and counts out her exact money ‘here’s my €... as I only had ‘x and y’ ’.... then someone has to remind her that a small tip would be nice....

Dont invite again, end of story!

'A bit highly strung'. What does this mean? Has she always avoided really partaking as a grown up? Perhaps she considers she is an entitled princess because this seems to be how the whole family collude in preserving. Try true assertion, 'Daphne your behaviour in not ever giving a gift, or paying your contribution at any family event distresses me'. Then wait for the fallout, twenty minutes of avoidant response of all kinds will spill out, running off and slamming doors etc. You have to stay calm and resolute and stay firmly with the distress she has bought about in decades of immature behaviour. She may be a splitter and try to divide others against you, you need the support of her brother your husband. It will be a chance to change her behaviour or no longer give good goodies to a taker.

Ultimately do you want her to visit. You know the score so under those terms, invite her..... or not.
If you do invite her but don't want to pay for a meal out etc, then don't arrange to go out. If she says she's arranged for you all to go out.... then decline and say why.
Whilst no one is open and honest with her she can't choose to amend her ways.

Reading the posts, it's funny how some bad or difficult incidents from many years ago stay in the memory. I can remember situations that annoyed me when I can hardly remember the good parts. That's awful.

When I stayed with my friend I don't take anything but take her out for a pub lunch every day. Also take her shopping as she doesn't drive. Works out well.

The most simple thing is surely not to take anything when you next go to visit her, don't pass any remark about it and if she suggests an outing sit it out and wait for her to pay. In other words no more than she does. Saying anything would take things to a different level and it depends how far you want to take it, any chance you could be a bit highly strung yourself on occasion?

It can be irksome when people don't pay their share, it leaves a really bad taste even if you have quite a nice time otherwise.

Some people are just takers so dont invite her again and tell her why.

If someone is ill mannered enough not to even bring a gift as a thank you for the invitation, time and trouble you have gone to making them welcome and the visit went downhill from day one due to their selfish behaviour. That would be their last invitation.

I can’t abide selfish people. Highly strung is no excuse to treat any host with such an attitude.

There has always been people who do the giving, the ones who not only give treats and gifts etc. but often help out willingly in various ways as well. Then you have the takers, who seem to expect everything to revolve around themselves without apparently any thought for any one else's feelings or effort that might have gone into something done for them. A bit of appreciation goes a long way.
Only you can decide if you are going to let this continue, I would be more specific about the length of time she stays if she is going to stay with you again! Perhaps it might not be convenient for you to have her visit for a whole week in the future, but a long weekend or couple of days instead. Some people are thick skinned and can't take a hint, whereas others deliberately so and you will have to more assertive.

grammaretto I am the 'baby' in my family and spent years feeling inferior to and dependent on my older siblings (through no fault of theirs). When I divorced and brought up my family by myself I discovered that I am quite capable and wise!
So, catlover123 maybe facing the facts would do her a favour - be direct and ask her to be the one to host. No need for raised voices just "Would you like to take a turn?" during normal conversation - she may not have the confidence to take it on. I know I didn't for years.

Don't invite her to stay.

Have her to your home, but don’t go out for drinks etc.....nor offer them at home....if she says anything...say you can’t afford it but if she’s paying that would be a lovely treat! Also when you visit her, take and pay for nothing. Again if anything is said ....say we pay when you come to us....... My SiL was the same....arrived for a week one Christmas with a jar of marmalade.....went to the pub with my (now ex) husband while I prepared all the meals....I was 3 months pregnant.....paid for nothing....came for another week when my son was born and had me looking after her as well as a two week old baby!.....and invited us to her house.....for a day.....exactly 3 times in the 20+ years we were married, yet she happily came to us several times each year! I felt it was up to my ex, her brother to say something but he never did.....but I think it was the way she was brought up....MiL was just as mean! Yes we could afford it and were better off than her, but as you say it was the ingratitude and selfishness that irked me.

You mentioned your SIL Lynne59 in my NY resolution thread. I think she finally got to you last year & now you’ve decided not to spend time with people you don’t like. Good call IMO.

Grammaretto. My goodness , you've answered the puzzle of my family ! I've always felt inferior to my sisters - 62 years , but it's my birth order ! I feel enlightened !

There are people in this world that are takers and think nothing of it. They use people but give little or nothing in return.. but they still think that they are nice people and feel very offended if you let them know how selfish they are. I was naturally a very thoughtful and giving person but years of being taken for granted I have now in my old age changed quite a bit and am not in such a hurry to volunteer my services and will now wait to be asked to help out etc.
I found the more one helps the more others expect..

Why are you worried about upsetting her, you don't like her and it wouldn't be a void in your life would it?

I would add that you reap as you sow. If family and friends get so fed up with this they'll visit less often, eventually dropping off altogether and she'll probably wonder why!
There must be a way to convey how you feel without causing offence. Could you just visit her without gifts and say nothing? If she says something add that money is a bit tight at the moment. Then never contribute again. It seems mean but will stop you from being taken for a ride. Who knows? She may then bring something next time she visits you, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

My sister in law used to come for at least a week at Christmas, she'd bring the cheapest, smallest xmas pud, and one year when I said it would suit us if she went home on the Tuesday, (3 days after xmas) she told everyone I'd thrown her out!

Giving is more blessed than receiving.

Don't waste your energy on resentment; enjoy your moral high ground!

Ok, vent but if you don't want it to continue you know what to do.
Never mind the the fact that she's highly strung. Don't take any stuff to her house next time you're invited and if she has a fit, walk out. She'll soon learn.
All you're doing is facilitating her behaviour.
Venting doesn't solve the problem so I guess, as this isn't the first time, you don't mind it continuing.

Selfish people are toxic....don’t let her turn you into something you don’t want to be...if you insist on seeing her keep it civil...personally I would see less and less of her. Like I said...toxic...you don’t need it. It’s my NYR to stay away from all toxic people...they debilitate and erode your own personality.

That is quite mean but I think it may be caused by her position in the family. Does she think of you as the older, wiser and richer older "sister?"
I have a younger BiL who wouldn't think to bring us anything or offer to pay but if I ask him to bring something he would.
If my big sister offers to pay, I don't argue. Old habits die hard.