Daughter in law problems

I have a different auto immune condition and the one thing I have in common with other sufferers is that we are all different and affected to a different degree. So not only can you not judge how difficult her every day life is nor can anyone else. Only she knows how much or little she can do.
Also when I worked full time and had young children who were unwell they still went to my sister who was their childminder. So I can't see the problem with you caring for them when they are unwell.
As for their finances that is really none of your business so stay out of it.

1. How your son and DIL divide the housework, childcare, and money is THEIR business, not yours. Neither are their reproductive decisions any of your business.

2. What you DO have the right to decide is whether or not you're willing to provide childcare. I agree it's not appropriate for DS to bring you DGD when she's not well. In that case, I would suggest being firm and consistent. "If she's not well I can't take her. You'll need to find alternative arrangements." That's as far as you go.

Many people have "invisible" disabilities. It's not for us to decide whether or not DIL has ulcerative colitis or not, whether she has PTSD or depression or not, etc. It's entirely possible that she is trying to cope the best she knows how. It's also possible that they have decided to keep their daughter in a nursery and with her grandmother because that is her routine. Upsetting that routine could cause additional stress, which is not what DIL needs right now. Really, DIL's health management is not the OP's business either. The ONLY thing OP gets a say in is whether or not she's willing to do childcare. That's it.

I lived with ulcerative colitis for 15 years until I had my colon removed, when things improved a lot. It's unpleasant, at times painful, and definitely debilitating, I have great sympathy with any sufferer, especially a young woman with a young child. However, I worked all the time I had it and did at least my fair share of housework etc. My children were older, of course, which helped. You are right to avoid germs where possible, I tend to catch everything my grandchildren have, and DD's are very strict about keeping them away from me if they are ill.

I would carry on with the child care you are doing whilst making it quiet clear to your DIL that you can't have the child when they are ill due to your medical condition, she needs to realise this as well as your son. Your son and Dil need to talk but that is nothing to do with you, at present he is moaning to you when he should be moaning to her, keep out of it. No more money, specially as you think they are going to do one thing with it and they do another, if you want to open a little account for the GC fine. I don't think you could contact her mother but maybe your son should from the point of view that he is worried about his wife's health.

If it was me, I’m close enough to my sons to be able to discuss any issues calmly and non judgementally. They would know that anything I raised would be out of love and concern, not criticism as we all have very different views on how we live our lives. Is your son happy, is he happy with every aspect of this way of life ? He is the only one who can ultimately control this scenario. If money is tight cutbacks have to be made, its a harsh fact of life and problems have to be balanced with practicality ... no one should ever expect others to fund their way of life.

You agreed to take G one day a week (unless G was ill), so It's up to DS to sort things out when there's a problem, either leaving G at home with DiL or taking a day off work, remind him of your compromised immune system if necessary. He should also be insisting his wife see a doctor. If you gave the family the money as a gift- forget it as its nothing to do with you once you hand a gift over. We all try to step up and help our families as much as possible, but maybe too much help isn't always best for the young family to grow and develop. When her DiL told my friend she was expecting a 2nd baby, my friend explained she loved looking after her G one day a week but would be unable to cope with 2 children.

What lovely sound advice you have all given! I had chronic IBS fiercely both children and became acrophobia for a time due to my fear of having an "accident" in the street if there wasn't a loo nearby... you sound like wonderful grandparents who support DIL well - just as my inlaws did and I was and am forever grateful to them for being there during that awful time. It was a couple of years before it all calmed down and I could function normally again and would have been longer without their kind support. Keep up the good work but get her to a doctor who can help with the symptoms .

GD to you when she is poorly

des , I too have a compromised immune system and understand your apprehension. It might be worth pointing out that bringing your GD to you might result in an illness that would prevent you from undertaking child-care for some considerable time.

WowKimrus glad you weren't my MIL when I had UC.She used to come an do my ironing and let me have afternoons in bed to recuperate ...you know SUPPORT me .Is that an alien concept to you?

Bit harsh Kimrus and GG . Ulcerative colitis is a difficult and often embarrassing condition. Some people can manage the symptoms others struggle.
Whilst I have every sympathy with your daughter in law des you are not in good health either and need to take care. You need to talk honestly with your family about their expectations of you and what you feel you can actually manage.

I wonder if DIL really has ulcerative colitis, because I find it hard to believe that she is not seeing a doctor if she has got it - perhaps it is a milder, but still debilitating form of stomach upset, but if so, would still benefit from her seeking medical advice. At one time I had some sort of colitis which meant I had to frequently dash to the loo, and could never venture far from one, I lost 2 stone in a few months, was very weepy and tired. The cause was an accumulation of stress and was sorted by a) from GP a mild anti depressant for six weeks and b) from a naturopath - avoidance of wheat and dairy certain and taking slippery elm (there is a modern equivalent to that based on aloe vera which I sometimes use if the problem comes back). I don’t know if either would have worked without the other, except that if I find myself heading in that direction again I find b) does keep it at bay.
I wonder how DIL copes on the three days when she has the child? because once the baby is mobile you need eyes in the back of your head, and while she is rushing off to the loo and sitting there for any length of time anything can happen, unless she either puts the baby in a playpen or takes her with her into the bathroom?
It sounds like this girl is in desperate need of a mother figure’s advice and comfort plus a visit to the doctor, if she won’t do the latter, I would begin to wonder how genuine it all is.

Did the DiL have UC before meeting the OP's son and did she work, or is this a recent devlopment? Maybe she doesn't want to see a doctor because she doesn't have UC. Has the son, when talking to his mother, corroborated his wife's illness?
She sounds a lazy madam.

sorry " manipulative cow"

Can I just say having post natal depression and being " a lazy cow" are in no way connected and kimrus your post has been reported.

Wil you be happy to look after TWO GC if she has another child?
What foolishness. Another child after a 'difficult' first birth + UC and one less income. More cleaning, higher nursery fees, more work for aging GPs.
Sheer madness. I'd say no, loud and clear.
If you give in, don't moan when it becomes too much.

Dont get involved with any domestic situation.

After reading,my instinct would be say NO.
I’m sorry if I am offending anyone here. I know what UC is and have seen people suffer with it and how in the name can you or would you contemplate having another child?
Honestly is this your DIL giving a name to a condition that she can hand over her responsibilities to another, get sympathy. Your DIL sounds to me, that she needs an electric zapper up her rear end, she is a lazy cow. I bet she diagnosed herself. Her own parents aren’t very close to their daughter, maybe step outside the box and ask why?
By all means your son needs some support, forget the money and tell you son you love having your grandchild but can we say just once a fortnight now is my availability. You and your husband have done the child rearing, it’s your time to step back and enjoy the rest of your life, no sit there and be the babysitter. You must stand up for yourself, while ever you keep doing this, means the next child will also be accompanying the present one to your home. Do you feel that this stage in your life, you or hubby could handle having 2 grandchildren. Tell your son, NO, it is his responsibility not yours. I wouldn’t even discuss with your DIL unless your son is present. She probably has postnatal depression or maybe she is a clever manipulative cow

I think you need to talk to your son and point out that you asked not to have your grandchild if she was unwell because your immune system is compromised, which of course means that any and all infections are potentially more dangerous for you than for other people.

Please, please, stay right out of any discussion about your DIL or how the young couple are spending money, unless and until your son comes right out, off his own bat and asks for advice.

Likewise whether or not they have more children is entirely their own concern. I do appreciate that you are worried that another baby would be a very bad thing when your DIL is so ill, but again, it is entirely up to them.

IMO you will be justified, if they do have another child ,in pointing out that you are happy to look after one grandchild at a time, but not both of them at once, if you feel that would be too tiring for you.

It sounds to me as if your DIL certainly cannot be expected to do her own cleaning. I have tried bending with a violent tummy upset and, I assure you, it is not a wise thing to do. With her condition, house-cleaning is out of the question, and cooking might well pose a health hazard to those who ate anything she cooked.

If you get tired of hearing your son moan about money, ask him how serious the problem is, and offer to help him make out a budget, something many young people have no idea how to do, but please, don't criticise his wife, I'm sure you remember, as I do, how mad it made you when your mother criticised your husband.

You probably need to speak to your DiL about not having the baby when she is ill, as you are quite right she should be at home. Apart from that, you need to steer clear of the other issues. It is up to them how they spend their money. I would also refrain from giving them any more as this rarely solves anything, just perpetuates things and in the end contributes to poor financial decisions. Set up a savings account for the grandchild and contribute to that as perhaps a uni fund. Then leave them to manage their own affairs.

It sounds dreadful , and she has my sympathy .
It sounds as if everyone is doing all they can to help. But please try to talk her out of having another baby , Everyone (except your daughter in law) sounds as if they have their hands full already , so a new baby would be an added burden, and no child deserves to come into this world as a burden ....but as welcomed and loved

I am not sure why parts of my reply have lines through them, I didn't do them and they shouldn't be there.

Oakleaf you have described this very well. My son has crohns disease [ since he was 8 yrs old ] and not many people understand how this illness affects everyday life. Patients are on very strong medication, that in themselves can have considerable side effects. My son is on Azathiopine, Pentasa and infliximab infusions, these drugs can all cause cancer, so none are taken lightly, but he is on them to give him some semblance of a normal life.

Symptoms of crohns and colitis can be extreme and you really need to live with someone with them to understand this horrible disease. If they need the toilet - they need it NOW, there is no chance of waiting or holding on. My son has been known to go 25 times plus to the toilet a day - you can imagine how tiring that can be. Then there is the constant stomach pain --- even with medication it doesn't take it away. The extreme fatigue. My son is a teenager so this affects his life massively. He can't do the same things as other "normal" teenagers.
People with these illness's and with the medication they are on have an extremely low immune system so can pick up anything and everything, and it is often far worse for them than it will be for others.

Crohns is a chronic illness, it will never go away. Ulcerative colitis can be managed if the bowel is removed, but that in itself can also then have added complications. Please do not underestimate just how difficult these illness's are. It is far more than stomach pain and diarrhea.

Des, you need to stop thinking that your DIL is lazy, and start understanding why she is like she is. Do you ever talk to her about her illness? It sounds as though she is possibly struggling with it. Just because someone looks okay on the outside, it doesn't mean that they are well. Crohns and colitis are called "invisible illness's" because no one can see what is happening inside the body.

Don't get involved. Think of it as helping your son, it must be difficult for him. Whatever you do don't start any argument or discussion with her, or give advice, just be supportive and do your best. Your GD needs your support, keep at it. Things will change

It can take a long time to get over the worst forms of depression. It certainly took me longer than 2 years and there wasn't a baby and a painful illness thrown in. She should be given as much support as possible. She tried to work but obviously couldn't cope with it.
Your son is going to be worried about money and you are probably the only person who he can moan to about it.
If you can't cope with the baby once a week then you have to let them know that and take him when you can. If you are in a position to help financially then maybe give them something they need but would not be able to afford for Christmas.
I agree with Paddyann. She needs support and I think this would be the case even without the UC.