Good time girl

nananina I started a thread a couple of years ago which people responded to in ways I hadn't anticipated and I found the experience very frustrating. What I realised is that people inevitably talk out of their own experience - and so the responses were shaped to reflect their family situations and not mine.

I said upthread that my own sons at age 17 (whilst living at home) still asked permission to go out, but actually it was simply a formality, a courtesy borne out of long family ritual. In practice we discussed things far more than my earlier post indicated.

The phrase 'good time girl' occasionally used to crop up in adoption records to describe birth mothers who had had one child adopted and then came back a year or so later with a second child. Another phrase (that I found particularly repugnant) was, 'she's no better than she should be'.

So I am now being critisised for the inaccuracy of my post
Well you are the one who suggested that your OP wasn't sufficient for people to form an opinion about....

nananina, once you start a thread it ceases to be yours and takes on a life of its own so you can have no control over the comments made.

I'm sure it hasn't hampered your life in any way!
and I am still very very sensible but oh, to be flighty, it sounds fun.

Jalima I'm sure you were a sensible young woman and the old uncle's comment was out of order
My mother was very cross

I get annoyed when the OP doesn't come back after about 7 or 8 pages and I usually ask "where are you OP" but no one seems to bother because they're too busy telling their accounts of their own life or squabbling between them.

I have looked at my thread every day, sometimes twice but maybe haven't commented as much as I should. I have thanked the people who made helpful comments and a couple to another poster who had things so very wrong. Actually I have come back after a few years break and think I'll stay away. So I am now being critisised for the inaccuracy of my post and you've gone to the trouble of counting how many times I've come back - well here's No.3. I used to be on MN but thought GN was a bit calmer and not so critical but you've shown me I can't do right for doing wrong.

'*I'd forgotten how people make assertions instead of asking questions and dish out advice based on a few lines of text*

Mainly happens when OPs start a conversation then dont hang about to stay involved in it when that conversation gets going.

If you want opinion based on more than "a few lines of text" then make a more accurate OP and pop back in more than twice to keep it on the right track

Jalima I'm sure you were a sensible young woman and the old uncle's comment was out of order. The only thing I can say is that the older generations see things differently but thinking again I think the comment was just rude. I'm sure it hasn't hampered your life in any way!

nananina I remember when DH and I got engaged an uncle (by marriage) said to me:
'At last - I wondered when you'd settle down, you've always been flighty'!

ps I thought I was a very sensible young woman, the opposite of 'flighty' and I was only 21 at the time.

Oh dear Eglantime you couldn't be more wrong but I wouldn't want to spoil your ability to read minds even if you are utterly de-skilled in this matter.

OK DGD has only been to tea at BF's house once since they met in April oh and a BBQ. I don't know the mother or his sisters (both atUni) but I know his dad as he is a teacher where DGD went to school. BF came to DGD's 18th birthday party, and stayed over. DGD said it was nice but all very proper and best behaviour - and BF says he'd rather be at DGD's house as it's more relaxing and there is a room they can use for themselves. They're both musical and so piano sounds can be heard, guitar and tenor saxaphone.

This is not a case of 2 people battling the family unit together. Which 2 people, me and the BF mother? I never heard such complete nonsense. We are a big family and I've had 4 kids all grown (last one at Uni) and yes she has a BF which is fine. My sons are both married with children, and 1 DIL (mother of DGD) has a very big family and are great fun and very welcoming. BF's parents haven't been invited and I haven't made any comment to son and DIL about this and haven't really thought about it.

Ah well I've had a long break from gransnet or mN which I think will finish me off. I'd forgotten how people make assertions instead of asking questions and dish out advice based on a few lines of text. As some sensible people said I only queried the phrase "good time girl" (my daughter said I wish I was one! Maybe I shouldn't have given background info about BF's mother controlling him. One of his sisters said to him "you just have to stand up to her she's a control freak" and then said their dad was also controlled by her.

Oh and DGD's uni is 30miles from home with good bus and train links.

Been interesting to hear people's thoughts on "good time girl" means to people - DGD didn't think anything of it and I am the last person to try to cause trouble with BF's family or any other family.

Given that the mother of a 17-year-old is probably no older than my sons (40s) or possibly still in her 30s, I'm quite surprised that she should be using the term 'good time girl' which many of us barely recognise, never mind the next generation.

I take your point MOnica. I’m not denying there is an amount of control, but like I said I don’t think it’s onesided.

Two people battling to keep their family unit together?

I still think the idea of asking permission at 17 is odd. Surely the comfortable relationship that should exist between parent and child should mean that each knows implicitly what is or is not acceptable and I would not consider that visit a girlfriend, who is presumably known to the mother and lives locally needed explicit consent. Travelling 100 miles to see her at her university and staying overnight probably would.

He’s not at university MOnica. The girlfriend is but he is probably studying for A levels. Perhaps his parents are worrying that he won’t get his grades because of time spent away.

Ah, me the phrase brings back memories of a saloon girl costume I once wore to a fancy dress party. Feathered headband, high heels and a purple taffeta dress hitched up at one side to show the tiny gun tucked in my fishnet stocking top. DH went as a cowboy, of course. Happy days!

Seriously, I wouldn’t worry, nananina. She probably just meant that your DGD likes to go out and have a good time, and there’s nothing at all wrong with that, whatever age we are.

This young man isn't at school, he is at university. DH was 17, just short of 18 when he went to university over 200 miles away. He certainly wasn't asking for his parents permission every time he went out.

When he was at home his DM would not be expecting him to ask permission every time he went out either, although, as a matter of courtesy he would always mention where he was going and roughly when he would be back.

Well I’m going to go against the tide too and I know nananina will be even more cross with me but I’m going to say it anyway.

I think it’s a battle for control. I don’t think it’s just the BFs mother here.

My feeling is tha nananina also sees her granddaughter moving towards independence. She wants to maintain her close family. She is happy to absorb the boyfriend into her family but doesn’t want her granddaughter becoming part of the boyfriends family.

The best way to achieve this is to find cause for offence and set everyone, including the son, against his mother. Then he will look to nananinas family rather than his own.

I found the comment that hopefully “When he is eighteen he will see sense” ie cut out his mother from his life and just be with the posters family, particularly nasty.

It’s not something I have experienced myself but I have stood on the sidelines and seen it happen.

A viewpoint depends on where you stand

‘My family is close. Yours is controlling.”

Or vice versa.

There are clearly so many different types of families out there. What some consider close and normal, others consider overbearing and obtrusive. We are all very different! I come from a large, rumbuctious, and extremely close family. We have frequent and open communication and we know (probably!) all of each others business - which is different to interering! Questioning or worrying slightly about someones opinion of someone you care about, especially if that opinion could effect them, is not abnormal. Acting on it without being asked is a different matter. I suspect the BF mother is starting to feel the beginnings of a loss of control.

Thank you Kitty I might be tottering about a bit if I make it to the boys’ weddings. Here’s hoping.

You'll look gorgeous Kate!

nananina and grannyactivist. When my son was that age he was still at boarding school. He was just beginning to do social things and when at home for hols would say that he had been invited to or wished to do, whatever. As I was familiar with his friends I had no problem with this and would say ‘ok’. He did not have to say ‘please may I’ (the way I had to at that age). But, he did sort of want my approval and I wouldn’t have been happy if he had just presented me with a fait accompli. I do not think that as a loving and concerned grandma you nananina are wrong to be supportive of your granddaughter but I think that the young boy will be fine once he is a wee bit older and at university. That’s one of the best things about it....your parents don’t know what you are up to!!

his mother is rather controlling and he asks her if he can go out
Controlling? How?
When my son was seventeen and a half and going out with an eighteen year old they were both still at school. So, I'm swimming against the tide here by saying that I would have expected my son to check with me about whether it was okay to go out; in our house it was just regarded as good manners to ask permission and also to say where they would be going and with whom. It was a habit that started when my children were young and one that had their best interests at heart - and none of my children have ever thought that it was a measure of control.

Is it just me then?

I think the mum knows exactly what it means but I suspect the son repeated it in innocence, not knowing the real meaning of such an old fashioned expression. The mum sounds quite intimidating tbh ?

Henetha - I think you're right. It is about the same as "No better than she should be". Neither expression is very kind.

Doesnt it essentially mean that men can have their fun with her but shouldnt marry her?