Your views would be most welcome

Sorry - I meant leave some info about childline for you Granddaughter to see. It may prompt more conversation. keep talking. xxx

Children often find it difficult to talk to the adults closest to them and she must talk about it. Childline are a wonderful organisation and are free to call and confidential. Just leave some information about it for your daughter to see - she must talk about it for her own mental well being. Check their website for support and information - there's some really good stuff on there. Your daughter must go and talk to the school - the class teacher in the first instance but if she's not happy with the response then ask to speak to a senior member of staff or whoever is in charge of pastoral and/or safeguarding matters. It needs to be sorted asap as the longer it continues the longer it will seem to the bully that her behaviour is OK.

It is bullying.

This happened to one of my classmates all the way through high school. She was identified as basically the scapegoat of our year and was systematically excluded from every form of social intercourse that took place.

Naturally, she regarded any social overture made to her with deep suspicion and as an act of pity, so making overtures to her was invariably unsuccessful. She stabbed me with a pencil once in fourth year for offering her a sandwich and I never bothered resuming my regular efforts with her again. I did understand why she was reacting so badly, but it is not to my credit that I chose not to persevere.

It was a quite terrible form of bullying. I honestly think she would rather have been beaten up than excluded from absolutely everything at school and outwith it.

Her parents were advised to try changing school but they refused.

This is definitely bullying. I went to over 10 schools due to dad being an engineer. I was only bullied once and my gay friend built like a tank sorted them out.

Bullying happens everywhere and in all walks of life and by all types of people so I do not understand why schools are perceived to be slow to respond to concerns around bullying!
It is not the school's fault that a child bullies another but it is clearly their responsibility to make sure it is dealt with quickly and effectively!

Sar53 just to let you know that there is sunlight at the end of the tunnel. As I said up thread my GDs situation was very like that of your GD. When the school eventually recognised and admitted it was bullying, my GD was given an adult mentor. This woman was marvellous and GD could talk to her about everything. So much so that GD did several very brave things in regard to these girls.We were so very proud of her. She is at secondary school now. She will probably never forget that awful time but she is fearless in standing up for herself and others. She is happy, has good friends and is doing extremely well at school.
Pity the school was so slow in dealing with it all. Good luck .

My granddaughter also 9 is at a very small school where there's about 8 girls in her class of about 10. With such a small friendship group it is difficult when there's fall outs, which happen often with girls. My granddaughter was excluded from the group and it was heart breaking to see. Unfortunately the main instigator was quite sly and it was difficult addressing it directly with her. My daughter spoke to the school who were very good. However subsequently other girls within the group have been left out. All apart from the instigator. We've explained to our granddaughter that this isn't acceptable behaviour, and to remember how she felt when it happened to her. Things have settled down now. The parents of the girl who was at the heart of this were splitting up and I think that was the root problem. It's horrible watching your grandchildren hurting. You just have to try and give her the emotional tools to deal with it.

You may not want to call this bullying....but it is.

My daughter had this in her first year of High School The girl she had chosen to buddy up with in the first year chose to ignore her and pal up with my daughter's friends from primary and get them to do the same. It was a horrible and sad time, her friends parents were not helpful and when she arrived at an after school drama club the girl, snubbed us both I stood my ground explained to the drama coaches what was going on and confronted the bullies father outside. In time the bully showed her true colours the whole family were a nightmare and the school confirmed as much. Equilibrium ensued and my daughter went on to enjoy high school and was very popular with pupils and teachers. She went on to high acedemic scores and a high flying career. But you have to be vigilant we r losing too many young people convinced that their lives r not worth living due to bullies. This has to stop we must take whatever steps necessary even those that may be uncoventional

Sjonlegs I'm so sorry to hear that your DD is going through the same thing. At my DGD's school years 5 and 6 are in a different playground to years 3 and 4. This exclusion happened to a lesser extent last year and my DGD did play with younger girls but that is impossible this year. The other problem is that only her and 3 other girls from her previous class are in the new class and one of those is the girl causing her so many problems. My DGD is a very kind, caring girl and all she really wants is a good friend or group of friends. Unfortunately this other girl has put paid to that. I will speak to my DD tomorrow and we can decide what the next step is.

I am so sorry for your DGD and the anguish this must be causing everyone. This subject is VERY close to my own heart as my own 10 year old daughter has been going through something very similar for the past 2/3 years. It is heart-breaking and soul destroying. However, children are more resilient that we think and, whilst there have been tears I think my own experience is that my daughter is becoming a far stronger person and far more well-rounded and well-adjusted individual for it. My daughter isn't one for confrontation - so as her friends sided with the bully (too weak and influenced to do otherwise) my daughter isolated herself, she regularly plays with the boys - but my biggest joy - she has taken this time to befriend lots of children in the lower school who are finding their way. A teacher in the reception area commended her to me the other day - as, during breaks and lunchtimes, she has been reading to and playing with so many younger children who have all grown to worship and idolise her. During classroom time I don't doubt it's hard for her. The instigater of her woes has been vicious and acerbic (how can 8/9/10 year old children be so cruel) - but she's slowly learning that this girl (and her followers) opinions don't matter and she's better off without them. It saddens me that some of her long-standing and closest friends haven't stood by her - but in the long-run she has made some bonds with some other lovely children (boys and girls) that might not have otherwise come about. We chose to speak to my daughter's teacher last year - although we didn't name names. Her teacher was next to useless and didn't see a problem whatsoever (but we all know how sneaky and deceitful some children can be)! Fortunately this year - my daughter has a new male teacher - who values her input and likes her as a person and is hugely encouraging. My daughter is still having problems, but the instigator is losing favour and her nastiness and opinions are mattering less and less to my daughter which is good to see. I really REALLY hope that your DGD has someone in her corner and can rise above this horrible time. Hard to see, but things will get easier and immersing herself in activities that she enjoys and people who are kindly will definitely help. I would tell school, but in my experience/opinion, unless there's real physical hurt (there was with my daughter but it soon stopped when she told the instigator that we have evidence of marks!) help her to be strong and resilient - it's a harsh learning curve, but will toughen her up for the future. Sorry I've gone on a bit but 'bullying' really irks me. I hate to see bully's get the upperhand - but am a massive believer in karma and he/she will get hers ... eventually!!

My youngest son was excluded by the other boys in his class from the age of 4. He wanted to 'cut my tummy open and die' at the age of 5. The school were useless. We moved him to another school where he flourished...until one of the original bullies joined the 2nd school. The exclusion started again. Bullying continued throughout secondary school. We eventually found the Red Balloon Learner Centre in Cambridge. A private school funded by LEA for children who are bullied but want to learn. He loved it. His first words yo me at age 16 were...'Mum..people actually like me'. It broke my heart.
Exclusion is bullying.
He attended this wonderful place until 18. The effects never go away. Challenge the school. If necessary contact Red Balloon for advice. They have centres all over the country now.

I would advise your daughter to have a quiet word with the class teacher, asking her to observe but not necessarily take any action, initially. Is your grand daughter able to play with friends from her previous class at playtimes, or does this girl control them too?
I think the term bullying is far too easily applied, but this behaviour is bullying; it is calculated, controlled and persistent and very deliberate. It is also difficult to spot as the perpetrator is usually quiet, well-behaved and able to act the innocent; her (it usually is a girl) acolytes will not betray her as her influence is far reaching. She usually has home problems stemming from broken marriages, and this behaviour is a way of exerting control.
Once alerted the teacher will be able to watch and take unobtrusive action within the classroom; dinner ladies can also intervene at play times. The classes may well have been mixed up in an attempt to break this girl's dominance, but the school can't act without evidence.

Sar53 I am sorry your GD is facing this sort of 'exclusion' in class.

I thought many schools had a 'no best friends' policy now, which prevented this thing happening?

I know it operates in my DGC's school. My GD always wanted to be 'best friends' with a certain child and wouldn't let anyone else play with her. She was a lot younger - four - but apparently little girls especially like to collar someone as their own best friend. School told my daughter it was quite common. It can cause hurt feelings and others to feel very left out.

Now, everyone is everyone's friend, and it seems to work well. GD grew out of her needing to monopolise her friend fortunately and all the children learnt how horrible it is to exclude others. I think teachers ought to know what's going on. They could make a positive intervention I hope.

This happened to my now adult son during his first year at secondary school. He had been in the prep school prior to that and already had a lovely group of friends who progressed to the senior school. The problem lay with other children from other schools who started with this excluding behaviour and encouraging his friends to join in with them.
He was utterly miserable spending every break alone and being taunted. Then the bullies started getting physical. Naturally we spoke to the school who said they had a robust anti bullying policy and would address the problem. We, meanwhile had always told our son to walk away from fights and not retaliate. However, one night he was so upset, crying his eyes out after another beating that I snapped and said " right, next time it happens just give him one good punch on the nose"
After that, having been given permission to stand up for himself his whole demeanour changed and he became so confident that the bullying stopped almost at once and guess what, the ringleader became one if his best friends and still is to this day, they're in their twenties now.
I know it's different with boys, but if you can convince this little girl to perhaps ignore it, and as others have said, cultivate different friends, it might help.
The school does need to speak to the bully though and tell her they've seen her being unkind and it has to stop.

Tell your daughter to either have a quiet word with the teacher or head teacher. Your granddaughter doesn't need to know. Any teacher is professional enough to treat this with some diplomacy. It isn't the first time it will have happened (although to your granddaughter it may feel like it) and it certainly won't be the last. The sooner something is done about it the better. It's horrible seeing the upset it causes.

Unfortunately some children (and adults) seem to become the targets of bullies - one of my DDs was bullied in every school she went to and at university. My theory is that insecure individuals spot those who are of a gentle kind nature and use their vulnerability to boost their own egos.

It might help your DGD to think about what is wrong with the bully's life and why she might be doing it. She is probably old enough to grasp that concept. Also for her to know that it is very common for the kind and gentle children to be the target - and that you are all proud of who she is.

It is bullying because not only is she ignoring your DGD but she is encouraging others to do so - definitely bullying, a subject on which the school is obliged to have a written policy. It is worth looking it up on their website and seeing what protocols are in place for dealing with it.

Thank you everyone, I am quite overwhelmed with your responses to my post. I have forwarded the thread to my DD and we will discuss what to do when she has had time to digest everything. She was the one who suggested I ask your advice as she knows how wise we all are !! I suggested Mumsnet to her but she said she has no time for it. Once again thank you.

I know someone whose child had the same problem.
They spoke to the head and th3vditustion was sorted please do the same don’t let it go on.

As an ex-teacher and a present Governor my advice is to make an appointment to see the Headteacher. Ofsted require all schools to have an Anti-bullying Policy, there is a carefully set out procedure for the school to take.
The Head will investigate by talking to the class teacher and playground supervisors. It is for him/her to contact the other child’s parents. Never speak to the other child or the parents about this matter. Let the school handle it. If you feel it is not being tackled, you have a right to contact the Chair of Governors. Hope this helps.

Damaging a child's self esteem and can take many forms, so yes....this is another form of bullying.

Talk to the teacher first and if that doesn't work, then talking to the girl's parents might. In fourth grade, my own GD had a similar problem. GD had a 'run in' with one of the girls in her class. Girl retaliated by 'bad mouthing' her with all the other girls and GD ended up being isolated.

Long story short, my daughter called the other mother on the phone and they met at a cafe for lunch. They had a polite chat and a week later, things improved. Today, the other mother (and her H) are good friends with my DD and my SIL and the girls became good friends too.

A horrible situation, bullying is never nice. From experience with one of my, now adult children, despite your granddaughter not wanting her to, your daughter should speak to the girl’s teacher. I recall my own child begging me not to say anything, it was doubly difficult as the bullying boys father was a teacher at the school, but credit where it is due, the school dealt with the situation. I wish you, your daughter and darling granddaughter, every success.

It is bullying. Look online at the schools anti-bullying policy, they must have one. Needs to be sorted. Now.

If I was you DGD teacher I would want to know how she was feeling..I cannot sort it if I don't know about it & in class,everyone may appear ok. Your DD should email the teacher (most schools have this system) and explain that there appears to be a friendship issue between X & Y. X is unhappy about the situation but is reluctant to " tell tales" about Y. Please can the class teacher investigate to if there is a problem and let mum know the outcome.
That should raise the problem enough without any " blame" or " accusations ". If this does not resolve X unhappiness then need to make an appointment with classteacher to discuss further.