Grandson’s nursery time

I can completely understand your disquiet Sielha. I also find it odd that a mother of a young child would voluntarily opt not to see more of that child during the long holiday and I don’t think that the profession of the mother mitigates against that oddness. At the very least, the child’s time could be divided between nursery and mum so that the child maintains an element of routine and mum has ample time to herself to do prep work at home.

All your comments have been very helpful, thank you. Getting a teacher’s perspective is particularly useful. This is when this site is at its best ie, it’s like chatting to your friends and getting their opinions. I have no desire to ‘slag off’ anybody else and the choices they make, nor do I wish to enter into any arguments on here.

One of my DiL's is a teacher and the only time during school holidays the two children were out of nursery was when my son was also off and they had a family holiday. My DiL didn't enjoy babies and, although if I am honest I didn't agree with it, what she did was best for the children in her circumstances. It did make her elder child clingy and she had a tendency to overseek her mum's approval but as she grown up she is now a confident child. The younger is fine. Both children love their mum and dad. I have never remarked on how I felt to either parent. I see a grandparents role as helping when requested and only ever intervening if its obvious something is very wrong. Being a parent is hard and even when young mums don't mother they way we would have its better to offer help than criticism and ever feel slighted if the offer is rejected.

well said Blubelle. I would have responded to old meg the same. I can’t believe she believes those other professions can just simply switch off! Obviously blinkered and only thinks teachers have a stressful 24/7 job. Not in my experience. Not knocking teachers either just cannot compare with scraping people off pavements or finding child’s charred remains in a burnt out building.

BUT we digress - the OP was asking our opinions on her situation and I have given mine.

When I return to work (3 days a week) DD will be at nursery. I work in a school (although not a teacher) DD will still be attending in the school holidays (probably 2 out of the 3 days, it's a 45 minute walk from home and I'm lazy!). It's good for the child to have the continuation of the routine of nursery, rather than unsettle them for a whole 6 weeks then resettling after.

As for the teacher aspect of it, most the secondary teachers I know do a good 2/3 weeks in the holidays of marking, prep and going in to work to organise classrooms and displays and workspaces. So it's an awful lot still to do.

Also, if she does have PND the break in the day may be good for her and give her the head space to be more attentive once her DS is home. And it may not be PND, I know someone who seemed very detatched during the newborn to 3ish year period, but once her DD got older and more able to interact they became almost inseparable, some people just really don't like the baby years.

oldmeg whilst I agree teaching especially in High school can be stressful your point about once a nurse police etc signs off from their shift it’s done is far wide of the mark They very often don’t get off when their shift ends, many have to take report writing home with them to even start to catch up, the other thing they take home with them often is the visions of a dead child or a dad being cut down from a tree If a firman is is the middle of cutting a family out of a mangled car when his shift finishes do you really believe he looks at his watch and down tools Teaching has its own stresses but you can’t compare it to the things I ve just described
I have no notion of why someone has a child then puts their career first its a blink of the eye when they are off to school at 4 in most cases.

I was a full time working mum, I could claim it was out of financial necessity but that's not strictly true unless 2 holidays abroad every year + new car every two years etc is classed as financial necessity. I did it because I wanted to and my Husband was very glad that I did. We managed just fine to spend quality time with our sons. We did lots of individual days out, we went on holiday, we had days at home just enjoyed our life. When I hear working mums saying how hard it all is these days I think it must be because mostly they don't have the choice, they need a joint income to live and having to do something isn't the same as choosing to do it. I can assure you she will have plenty of time to bond with her son as will his dad assuming they don't insist on putting him straight into bath and bed routine when he comes home. Try not to judge everything by what you did back in the day, life has changed but that doesn't mean it's for the worse. Let them bring up their child however they see fit.

It does seem sad that she is not looking forward to six weeks with her little boy. They can be such fun at this age. The routine bit worries me a little as it reminds me of the days when parents weren't allowed to visit children in hospital because they got used to being left and seeing their parents would unsettle them. Still it's up to the parents to do what works for them.

I would feel like you, Sielha, I think it would do the child good to have time with his mummy and a holiday from his nursery school.

However, as a retired teacher, I also know that your DIL is knackered right now AND the point already made is valid. She does have school work to do in her "holidays".

Are your son and DIL not planning on a holiday away from home during the school holidays?

You don't mention what age group your DIL teaches, but if she is not a maternal type and is teaching the youngest pupils I am sure she does need a break right now.

If she is feeling as tired as I often was at the start of the school holidays, she probably feels her son is better off at nursery than cooped up with her all day.

You could perhaps ask if you could have him for a couple of days to give him a change. Here the current thinking is that small children do need a break from their nursery, or kindergarten now and again.

Perhaps your daughter-in-law doesn't want to break the child's routine. I wouldn't say anything in your position. If your grandson is happy and well looked after, that's all that matters.

I admit I enjoyed time with my children when on leave from work but everyone is different.

Gillybob now is the best time for your daughter to train. Because teachers are leaving in droves there’s an accute shortage. This from the TES recently might help

“The new analysis, based on government data, said 47,000 more teachers will be needed in the next six years.

The number of secondary school teachers needs to rise from 208,100 in 2016 to 254,822 by 2024, it shows.

The challenge will be even greater in shortage subjects, it suggests. In modern foreign languages (MFL), nearly a quarter (24.2 per cent) of all suitably qualified MFL graduates would have to opt for a career in teaching each year to meet demand. Mathematics and the Sciences likewise are failing to recruit new teachers and for the first time ever schools cannot recruit sufficient English Language specialist to cover the curriculum in the coming acadmic year.”

Mary Bousted, the National Education Union’s joint general secretary, called the figures “potentially catastrophic”.

“It’s just untenable that you’re going to recruit those numbers,” she told TES adding that the government had “to make teaching more attractive a profession, and to do that, it has to tackle excessive workload”.

It will depend on her having enough to live on OldMeg .

It is most definitely not what I would have done (as an ex teacher) but in the end it is up to them! My DIL has the same approach and seems not to particularly enjoy or cope well with her children's company. I don't dislike her despite observing that (in case anyone assumes that from my comment)! It does sometimes make me a bit sad at what is being missed ...but we are all different aren't we!

Of course anyone can be a teacher. I’d advise your daughter to train. With a degree you can upgrade in a year and, if it’s a shortage subject, you can get about £26,000 while you’re doing so.

I look forward to reading that she’s taken up that opportunity gilly

I’ve never heard of that Eglantine will pass it on though. Thank you ?

Has your daughter looked intothe School Direct orTeach First programmes, Gilly?

She could be paid as an unqualified teacher whilst training. About the same as she is earning now.

Worth a look?

Thank you for your comments, interesting. By the way, I do not dislike my daughter in law at all. I love her dearly and consider myself fortunate to have her. We have a very good relationship and I would certainly not express these thoughts to her. As you all say, it is none of my business and the baby is well looked after. She just seems distant from her son and we have had genuine concern that she has been suffering from PND as she has had depression in the past.

I think my DD would make an excellent teacher . She has a decent degree but needs to work to keep a roof over her head . It’s a catch 22 . I always wanted to do social work but couldn’t afford not to work full time so the opportunity to train never arose .

I know a few teachers and there's alot that goes on behind the scenes. There's also alot of training and courses that needs doing so she might have that to do.
She might want to see how it goes and cram all the work in one go so she can have a few weeks with him.
He might love nursery and wants to keep him in a routine.

I presume the dad has booked holiday off? So theres a few weeks of not being at nursery. If not, can't really put all the blame on the mother. Sorry.

Well I was a teacher for many years.

When people started going on about all the lovely holidays and short hours, I would say “Plenty of vacancies, if you want to retrain and do it.”

Likewise when other teachers would go on about how hard their lives were and how little time they had for themselves I would say, “Plenty of other jobs out there if it’s so bad.”

I hate all this job envy and discontent.

And back to the original post. Where’s the OPs son in all this?

I agree other jobs have very long hourse and sometimes work from home evenings and weekends too. But heveing been a teacher I do resent the idea of 9-3 days and 6 week summer holidays. Most teachers in my experience DO work every evening till late and most of tge weekend in term time and it is exhausting. Remember a teacher cannot take a day off 'in lieu' or work from home etc as there always has to be someone in front of those children- even if too ill to go in to work you need to prepare work for a supply teacher ( who the school has to pay for.) And in those long 'holidays' usually only a couple of weeks are an actual holiday (which have to be taken at the most expensive time remember ) - the rest of the time is spent in advance planning etc.

I know a lot of teachers, at all levels, and it is an incredibly stressful job if you are teaching in a comprehensive (or any other school) that has disruptive pupils. Like many jobs, there is much more to it than meets the eye.

I’ve only taught in universities, which I didn’t find particularly stressful, but it was perfectly normal to me to spend every evening and most of the weekend preparing and doing research. I took it for granted. A job where you’ve finished for the day when you go home is unknown to me, or to teachers at any level.

Meant to add that I thought it was a joke but now realise you were deadly serious

Oh Eglantine she’s got this thing in her head that she has to work full time to support her child. She’s 33 so not a young kid and this baby was the baby she was told she would never have ! I worked out that she could work 18-20 hours and claim tax credits and be no worse off but she says that would be sponging and she refuses to be on benefits . I just can’t make her understand . To be honest it’s all a mess and I feel so sorry for her . Her partner can’t sell his house which is in negative equity (despite having a buyer lined up) the bl**dy Halifax won’t allow him to sell so he can’t support my DD or the baby very much at all. It’s all just too much to bear.

Sorry I’m not “professional enough” to understand you OldMeg how very rude .

Teaching isn't the only job which requires input outside of work hours.
Most vocational jobs do these days.