no-chat partner

This so resonates with me - I am just reading 'Living Together, Feeling Alone'. At least we Grans now know we are not 'alone' in feeling this way - thanks OP for raising this topic. My OH devours the news but never brings up a topic of conversation; does not share anything other than what the weather is doing basically - drives me insane! My OH doesn't get my craving for connection - as I get further into the book I'll probably find that it goes back to childhood and I have unreasonable expectations ....

Thought this was unique to me . I feel I am living with a business partner as we talk bills and what hours we are working etc . On goes the TV ...banned from adding comments about his fave sports although they mirror his . I just get on with life . I have got used to it . Suppose when my children were younger we had our agenda where he felt a bit left out as I had to organise everything . Holidays are better as we seem to chat more then . Think he sees home as a place where he can relax .

Sounds like our house. My DH isn't much of a chatter and spends hours watching news or sports programmes on TV. I've got used to it and either bury myself in a book or go on my PC and leave him to it. Oddly enough he's always keen to tell me what fascinating discussions he and his mates have after a visit to the local pub where they put the world to rights . Love him to bits and we've been married almost 57 years so I think I'll just keep him!

My DH is the 'chatty' one. I am the 'very comfortable with silence' one. For the most part we both enjoy the way we are, although occassionally DH wishes I would talk more.
I appreciate that fact that sometimes he wishes I would talk more but he doesn't always realise that I am happy in my silence and that it's no reflection on him and sometimes I wish he would talk less! But we feel very compatible and get along so well.

It is a fact men are much less verbal than women and we don't gossip, well not in the same way. If we criticized each other the way women do it would quickly turn to fighting, whereas its just emotionally hurtful in most cases. We also don't discuss our problems, it is not manly to have emotional problems, we are supposed to be able to cope, so we keep them to ourselves
Even between long term partners conversation is inhibited by different points of view, any controversy is ended by one or other giving way to "keep the peace". Even after nearly 50 happy yrs together we are quite careful not to say the wrong thing, so we live in quiet contentment.
Conversation between women is coded I see it in these topics, men just don't understand what is being said and not said. On occasions I have eavesdropped on women's chat and have had no idea what they are talking about. You may see 2 couples out walking, both ladies always out in front chatting continuously, their men behind commenting occasionally about this and that, men are different!

My husband spends hours on his computer or watching tv and if I'm in the same room continually talks about what he's watching whether I'm watching it or not and consequently missing the next bit of the programme. I usually spend the afternoons sitting in the dining room with my knitting while he is watching afternoon tv but he has to walk through the dining room to get to the kitchen and bathroom and as soon as he walks through the door he starts telling me about what he has been watching. Bang goes the stitch count or concentration on the pattern.

DH & I used to chat quite a lot, lots of different topics but there were also spells of quiet companionship.

Sadly I've been widowed for over 5 years , I do miss his company & sense of humour but am content with my own company although I have a wide social circle so never lonely. Maybe that will change as I get older.

I was always the one who could be silent having my nose stuck in a book reading or doing crosswords. Life can be as lonely in a relationship as being on your own.

My OH can talk for Scotland ,we chat all the time sometimes into the wee sma hours.In fact at 3am this morning if you'd keeked in our window you'd have seen us dancing round the sitting room giggling like kids.We'd been discussing his awful dance moves and he volunteered o be taught afew better ones ...at 2.30 .No time like the present says me ...lol

Kazziecookie we've lived and worked together for 44 years ...never run out of conversation.My SIL used to say the whole family fought for air space as we all talk a lot

paddyann

Sandra F,
I feel your pain, I'm in the same situation, I have only been with my partner for 10 years and he is not a talker, he doesn't even answer when I talk to him.
I feel more lonely now than the 13 years I was on my own.
The only thing he want's to talk about is politics and that is not my cup of tea, too many rows can take place.
I have chatty neighbours and I talk to my kids a lot so that helps a lot. I really miss the companionship of work.

Yes, Paddyanne I think we need to get out more as everything we talk about seems to be about the guest house. We do get along great though and have a laugh.

Sandra F I too have resorted to going out more - mainly volunteering- and I meet people who have common interests. My DH has no friends that he goes out with and he is always in the house. Hence we have little to talk about. He is not interested in hearing about my volunteering and the only conversations we have tend to have are to do with household issues. So I like to think positively and that by volunteering I am gaining new friends and contributing to worthwhile causes.

I am a bit the same, RamblingRosie. My interests take me outside the home, so I have plenty of news to share when I get back, but DH is not really interested.
We do have a couple of shared interests which we talk about, but mostly he is silent, apart from grumbles about politicians, adverts, other drivers. Mostly I do agree, but I get fed up of his grumbles, when he can’t find anything more pleasant to talk about.
A huge difference between us is, if there are plans to be made, I like to consider various options, whereas he will settle quickly on something and won’t consider any other possibilities. I make up my mind by talking things through, whereas he thinks silently and decides. Neither is the right or wrong way, but it can lead to friction if it is something we need to agree on.

We talk about this that and anything from news items to items of interest to things that arise from our two very different hobbies where both have some interest at a bystander level with the others passion.

Then there is DC, DGC, house related material, things to do together. The supply of things to talk about is inexhaustable.

My DH doesn't do chat but an equal bugbear is that he doesn't listen either. If I didn't speak to him we'd probably stay silent for days on end. Also never tells me anything that's going on eg repairs organised etc. Complained vociferously about this have tried reasoning, quiet discussion and nothing changes. To exasperate me further we were at a concert recently and I returned from the ladies to find him laughing and chatting away to two young men, an outsider would think he was a real socialiser.

I am really suffering from 'loneliness ' at the moment, I just don't know where I stand. Himself has cancer treatment every other week so we have a good week..chat chat touchy feely everything is lovely then we have bad week..no chat, hard face, no attention, silence, snippy remarks so just as I think he hates me he comes back to the man I married. My god I find it hard as it undermines my confidence and although I expect it, it's always lonely and I feel very sad for a few days.
I've described it as his pmt. he doesn't know he is in it, thinks I'm talking nonsense if I mention it and if I say he is being a git he is quite verbally hurtful, then the following week he is a darling, smiley and attentive.
I'm up and down like a bloody yo yo and although I know the routine but yes loneliness is a great description annep, I was tempted to start a thread myself but thought I might offend those without a husband at all which I would never do as I do realise just how lucky I am

Cabbie21 Yes I have a grumbler too. It gets me down as he doesn’t have anything nice to say about anything or anyone. When I suggest something positive he says I am naive, so now I just mentally switch off.
He says, when I ask him something, that he has already told me and I don’t listen Perhaps the switching off is becoming a habit!!

Yesterday I had a lovely chat with a man with no voice! We were both looking at jig-saw puzzles on a car-boot stall. I made a comment, and he pointed out the hole in his neck. He had had surgery for throat cancer, and now can't speak and breathes through the hole. By means of me lip-reading, and him writing on his notepad we chatted for about 10 minutes. Apart from the throat cancer, he is also in remission from bowel cancer. He was an amazingly cheerful man, coping well with all his difficulties, and I admire him very much.

knspol. My late husband was always ready with a joke and lots of conversation when we were out and about. Everyone thought that he was such a jolly chap. At home, though, he spent most of his time watching dvd's of all the old comedy series, and 'nodding off' at regular intervals!

7 years ago, 3 yrs after getting divorced, I decided to join a paid dating agency and met or spoke to several really nice men. One in particular could, and did, talk about any subject under the sun. Some of our pbone conversations went on from about 9pm till 6am the next morning and I kid you not.
Talk ranged seamlessly from our children to his business, from the inner workings of a washing machine to IT systems, from arboriculture to food prep to the weave of Persian rugs to travel, books, the inner workings of cars.......I'll leave the other several hundred topics.
Time seemed to fly and I was never tired during all that time. It was a regular thing via Skype. He lived in Berkshire but we never actually met.
I now have a partner with whom I do not live. We enjoy great conversations because I'm interested in his work (he's a CEO in banking) and he's interested in women's incidental chat as a relief from his predominantly male world of work.
Exactly 5 years ago last month, I met someone on a day out at his place of work (a sporting venue) and we too have long conversations interspersed with him inviting me out or to go on holiday with him (sleep separately) to Australia or anywhere I choose.
I like my own space and could never live with a man 24/7. Men who simply want to sit and watch tv are not attractive to me. They have to be interesting and able to converse with anyone...but shut up when I'm reading.

Me: Do you think we chat enough?
MrA: Well you chat enough with your friends, don’t you?
Me: I’m talking about us, you and me.
MrA: Well, there’s no point in chatting about things that don’t interest you, is there?
Me: Yes, but do we chat enough?
MrA: Jane, no stone is left unturned!
??

I was never so lonely as when my husband was here. Gone now and I am no longer ignored or disrespected and no longer feel lonely.
I can phone my sisters or friends if I want a chat. I talk to my plants too and there’s no-one here to think I am silly.

with my partner its nice sometimes to just sit in companionable silence with no awkwardness but i would hate it if we never talked can you find common ground ask about hobbies work interests or have you come to the end of the road

Menopaws I think I may have some idea of where you are coming from.
I have pm’d you.
Bon courage!