no-chat partner

bjh your post reads a little like a profile for an internet dating site - not really like an initial post on GN!
As maw asked, what are you doing about it?
There may be more appropriate sites for you.

How do you deal with someone who does not talk and whose life is centred around either playing tennis or watching it on tv from around the world. We have only been together for 2 years and unfortunately I am lonely. I have told him but nothing changes.....I have my own interests, run 3 groups for u3a but I really to communicate.....At the moment I want us to separate.....

I'm sure there must be other like-minded peeps out there on the internet who have the same interests as you bjhsum.
I'm not sure there would be much uptake on GN for flirting and fetishism but other sites may be available.

I’m not sure the “touch of fetishism” would ncessarily be conducive to conversation.
Sorry you are lonely, but what are you doing about it?

Lucky

I work from home mostly and although my home is beautiful both inside and out and it's filled with gadgets and comfort I feel like the loneliest person ever. The strange thing is I am so worldly in topic and life experience and conversation too. I describe myself as truly platonic individual who has an enormous amount of wit and yet professionalism. Other peeps have describ as a true gentleman with a wicked flirty nature with a hint of fetishism for flavour. And yet IT's rarely these days that i get to engage in conversation with other like-minds unless it a serious discussion about something or other legal. I'd love to just be able to draw on a friend even if it is just a penfriend and have normal everyday discussion.

I like it that my partner doesn't talk too much. His only annoying habit is when he gets the bit between his teeth and gives me a running commeñtary on his day at work! Usually I'm watching something or reading something and I lose the thread!

It is a problem here, as every question/statement takes an eternity to emerge from my OH, who is unwell. Sometimes I take a breath in to speak and think better of it, as at that moment I do not feel patient enough to make the long wait.

I know he cannot help it, but this is repeated endless times every day and I am only human! And sadly, when the statement does emerge, 9 times out of 10 it is something anxious and negative - and really, believe me,there is only just so much of that that you can take and stay sane.

A sad situation.

mawbroon I do understand how you must feel at present, but, as you say, you were not among those saying how lucky you are.

But every way of life has ups and downs and there is an element of emotional blackmail by someone who effectively tries to close a discussion down, any discussion, by using the 'how lucky' argument. As I said, every way of life has pros and cons. because one family has to cope with a child with profound disabilities is no reason to dismiss the problems of families who do not have this problem but face other problems.

I can assure those of you who perhaps think I do not appreciate what I have that I most certainly do. My gripe is a daily niggle combined with a sadness to see someone I love so dearly slowly changing and speaking of it is my release valve. He still makes my heart jump when I see him, I'm amazed and grateful he has been mine and only mine for 40 years and believe me he turned many heads in his day, I see him in all my lovely children and I get to spend every day with him day and night. I'm one lucky lady I know but I wouldn't be human if I didn't moan a bit and with girlfriends and people like yourselves I can keep myself sane and give him the best of me so making out time together as good as possible, for which gnetters I am very grateful. As annep said it's good to share and after earlier kitchen tap issue (other thread) it was good to laugh and had lovely meal out with girlfriend who moaned about her lot but did we laugh so all good.

I didn’t mean to imply you were belittling anything but feel am perhaps sensitive even slightly defensive on behalf of those like me who are (recently) widowed and who do not say how “ lucky” others are.
Apologies if I misunderstood you but it sounded like that in your post of 20.34 I am never comfortable with those who are alone who start saying how lucky you are ....etc )

Menopaws you described your day so well. I smiled when I read "give me strength" I very often say that. This thread had helped me too. Reading your posts and others has actually had an influence on how I reacted today. I coped so much better. It's good to share.?

I am not belittling the issue, I am well aware how lonely being single can be, but saying it in the situation being discusses gets you nowhere and many deeply unhappy in a relationship - and that is not to be belittled either, would think someone single had all the good luck.

Yes, moans about loo seats and bins may sound trivial, but often they are the last straws in relationships whose problems run far deeper.

I have a happy and companionable relationship and can laugh at problems like drawers never shut, doors always open. If it was a troubled relationship, these could be everyday irritations that cause me deep distress.

Ahem M0nica who is saying “How lucky you are” ?
Perhaps that they would put up with a lot to have their partner with them again, but not I think belittling the issue.
Of course the trivial moans about loo seats and putting the bins out, but that’s not what you were saying is it?

Mines not much of a chatter either, sometimes find myself talking to the self serve checkout in the supermarket

I am never comfortable when those who are alone start saying 'How lucky you are' when those with partners have difficulties. There are, as we well know, many spouses who for a variety of reasons could well turn to those alone and say 'How lucky you are'.

Let us accept that both situations have their downs and their ups and I, for one, feel very sorry for those who most people would assume have a companionable life with a partner to talk to, who actually live lives nearly as solitary as those who live alone. Sometimes the cause is ill health or declining mental health, sometimes just the nature of the beast. I think I would prefer to be completely alone than alone with a silent partner.

I’m well known for my powers of concentration. This may mean that I don’t chat either.

Strangely, I’m never asked by my wife what I’m thinking about so I think she’s not interested.

This highlights the importance of showing an interest in each other.

By the way the next day we were chatting at work like a couple of women and I remember thinking that I was not actually concentrating on what he was saying, just looking at him thinking where's all that noise coming from! I love the sound of his voice and whenever we are not together he calls or texts me several times and in the evenings he's jokey and smacks me on the bum when I'm filling dishwasher etc so when he goes silent it just feels so weird and confusing. I'm trying to get used to it and I'm sure I will but thanks for thread, you have inadvertently helped me a lot (so has someone else!)

Annep, yes before he was ill at least I knew and fully accepted his quiet bits as that was just him and I have plenty of friends and have never been joined at the hip with our interests. With the treatments I at least have a pattern and can avoid the bad days which makes it easier (for instance two evenings with girlfriends and a lunch this week!) and I don't feel bad because he sleeps as soon as back from work and as we work together I have seen him all day and can monitor if he needs me or not.
It was just last week when we went to a funeral, a happy one if you get what I mean and I thought we would have a nice drive into the country, show our faces which was all we were going to do anyway, go out for dinner. Not a chance, not a bloody word spoken on way back and only my voice on way there. I knew this was the bad day but because I was forced to spend day together I hadn't realised how bad it was. He wasn't grumpy as such just no effort to talk at all and like you I wondered what I had done wrong then when I took myself upstairs without a word I was told I was the one who shunned him!! Wouldn't change him for a million pounds but give me strength!

Kwest I get what you are saying.

Goodness I didn't expect to get any answers to what was quite a moan. Thanks everyone for posting. Many people have said how they wish their partners were still here which makes me think how important it is to make the most of things and be grateful. Also good to hear of others in similar situations and realise I am not alone. It's so important that little phrase "I am not alone". Some said have you told him. I have told him so many times how I feel. Sometimes he says you didn't ask a question so I didn't answer or..I have nothing to say. or what did you want me to answer . I have explained how lonely it is , how it's affecting my self esteem how stressful it is. He just becomes stubborn and talks less. Then suddenly he is jolly laughing joking and I wonder how long it will last. My family think he's great because he is never like that with them. I think we will grow more apart.... He is lovely at other times. sad. But I will keep trying. It is stressful though. thanks everyone.

LiltingLyrics
Only 6 months in my case, but I find myself thinking that nobody is perfect and while I have every sympathy for posters whose partners have changed for any reason- illness or early dementia among them, nevertheless it is something which gives me pause for thought.

Stevej4491
it's very sad. thank you for being so honest. Sadly life isn't always what we would like it to be and we have to make the best of it. It's really helpful to read everyone's posts. thanks.

Menopaws
That is part of my problem too! - the way he changes. He can be overly chatty to the point of exhaustion and then back to silence except when he has to speak. It so undermines my confidence and makes it harder to chat to my friends because I am losing the art of conversation. And I wonder why he treats me like this. Is there sonething wrong with me - Even though I know it's his problem, not mine. I find myself feeling guilty for complaining but also resentful. Thankfully I have interests and friends and I feel I must spend more time with them. I do wish it was different but generally conversations are just monologues. My husband often just listens but has no desire to contribute. Its like living with two different people sometimes and yes very up and down. I'm glad I started the thread because listening to other views is really good and helpful. Wishing you well. It's very difficult with your husband being so ill too.

Very quiet in our house too, I guess he hasn’t much to say to me after 40yrs! If he was always so quiet I wouldn’t mind so much but on the phone or in person with his bowls or allotment pals, or to neighbours he can chat for England!