Horrid neighbour

Glad I didn't offend you! I think you need to get some help to increase your confidence, maybe that will help to make your husband listen to you, to speak to you. Maybe he just doesn't know what to say for fear of upsetting you further, so is saying nothing. Do you have any friends you could speak to? Maybe a visit to your GP, or another visit to Cruse; grieving is not an exact process and we all behave differently. Maybe your husband is also grieving for the changes in your joint life. If you find it hard to get a reply from him why not try writing him a letter, telling him how you feel? It is sometimes easier without the risk of getting emotional and bursting into tears as you speak.

He’s always this way GillT57. The way I self talk to myself is the way I would help a friend by making her feel good that what she is doing and how she has been doing is great to make her know she isn’t the problem. I would also give this pep talk to him about anything but sadly no I get no reassurance or affirmation. My self esteem is at rock bottom now. For all I know NFH can spot I don’t look like I used to and is using it. You aren’t rude, I take criticism quite well ??

I don't wish to be rude, Guineagirl but I think you have a bigger problem with your husband than with your neighbour. If he cannot even speak to you when you have been bereaved, lost regular contact with your daughter and feel intimidated by your neighbour, then he needs a shake. Does he always just look at you, without saying anything, when you ask for help and understanding? Or is it just about the current house situation?

GillT57. I tried half an hour ago to bring the subject of me feeling sick again he just stared and didn’t speak, which then makes me feel worthless. I said I feel trapped living here like this. With this man i think he would see anything as getting a reaction, which is what he wants. It’s a hard situation to know how to deal with in the right way. I think he wants a response to make him feel validated if that makes sense.

A terrible situation to be in, we all want our home to be our sanctuary, our safe place, and when that is taken away it can leave you a bit adrift. Add to this the death of your Mother, and your daughter moving away and it is no wonder you are feeling very down. I know it is easy for me to say, but have you tried just looking him in the eye and saying 'good morning' or whatever is applicable, and then just walk on, carry on with what you are doing? Like all small time bullies, he will carry on as long as he thinks he is getting under your skin, and maybe, just maybe, a defiant look in his face, might make him blink first so to speak. I do appreciate it is simpler for me to say than for you to do, but could you give it a try? Also, your husband does need to be more supportive; does he understand just how you feel? I do hope you can resolve this awful situation.

Oh my I hope you find peace too. It’s great someone gets what the awful neighbours do. You sound the same, want peace, and have excellent boundaries which they don’t have whether that’s physical or the staring kind. When he goes away the sick feeling just isn’t there which to be fair is a few days a year. Yeah the revving is to create noise and get you to move, usually because he knows his neighbour is quiet. I suppose I’ve done a lot of mindfulness over this and I know he’s a miserable man. My husband does have the same empty nest feelings as me though but no I have no one to talk to about my Mam. I still see her last gasp at the care home it was very sad. I miss her so much not having a Mam is a horrible thing to deal with. My husband isn’t a listening husband, he’s a bit of a caveman and doesn’t get emotions and how they affect women.

Oh Guineagirl, there's so much going on here. You need and deserve the support of your husband in this situation. His attitude of not listening is only exacerbating your feelings of worthlessness by signalling that your concerns don't matter. Is he sympathetic on the issues of your mum's passing and your daughter moving away? Is he aware how deeply this is affecting you? My husband hadn't realised how much our neighbour was affecting me until I broke down sobbing one day.

We had planned to move in a few years' time for our last move (to the coast), so it wasn't great timing financially and means that we still plan to move when husband retires in about 5 years, but the upheaval and cost of moving pales into insignificance against the benefits of being here, in my kitchen, feeling at peace in my sanctuary.

Like you I would do outside jobs when I knew he wasn't around, and when they went on holiday - oh my word I would practically skip down the drive to the car. When they returned, the weight would land on my chest again. It's funny because he also does the revving bikes thing, but rather than polishing cars he would be tinkering with his caravan.

Like my old neighbour, yours is a very unhappy man. Happy people don't intimidate and bully others. He gains satisfaction from getting a reaction out of you so best not to engage and give him what he wants. We never had the imitation thing thankfully - what a weirdo.

I relate completely to the sick feeling you have. At it's worst I even considered parking in the next road and walking across a field and up an embankment to get into our back garden rather than risk encountering the neighbour outside!

Perhaps you should give Cruse another try. Counsellors are all different, and maybe a different counsellor would be a better match for you. Do you have anyone you can talk to about your mum?

Thank you allsortsofbags for your compliment. Yes my inner strength I guess was used up a while ago going through the times with my Mam and daughter. I hope I can keep coming on here if only to moan to others who understand. Living here I’ve had to keep emotions in check so as not to give anything away to next door that they could us. my friend commented in her words, how you get your car out that gap and stay here you deserve a medal. She has witnessed the staring but asked for my permission to say something and literally asked him why he stares at women ?. That’s the trouble I am a strong person and I believe he is still trying to get me to move. I’ll keep posting. I’ve been reading neighbour threads too x

What a difficult situation for you to be dealing with and you've been in a stressful position for so long too.

I can't give you any suggestions as you seem to have been very proactive in dealing with your neighbour but one thing I do know is that the GNers will help and support you as much as they can.

We had only 3 years of a difficult neighbour before we moved so how you have managed for 9 years I don't know.

You are clearly a strong person but by what you've written you have just had too much hurt to deal with and your ability to deal with their (rude word) has all been used up.

I hope you get some help and that you find the support you need at this time.

Sorry I can't offer you more, take care and hope you find a way through this difficult time

Thank you Liveandlearn I was upset reading your reply as it’s just nice someone understands. I did speak cruise last year and counselling but I’m still as bad. Yes I would love to move but this was supposed to be our last move, my husband doesn’t listen if I bring it up. The horrid man ignores my husband, he seems to single me out. So I don’t feel supported really. Everything is out of sight of people. I just don’t feel like the person who coped years ago. Heck your neighbour is identical, thinks he owns the drive and does the same garage door up polishing cars and revving bikes, he’s 80. I smiled the same as you I literally feel sick returning to my own home and do any jobs outside when he is out. I cleaned my fascia son Friday, he came out said nice morning and cleaned his. I like you feel the same anxiety but feel watched even inside. You sound so happy to have moved, life is too short and not knowing what is round the corner makes me just ignore him but it’s the feeling sick that’s awful.

I would just move away, life’s too short to be so miserable.

Gillybob I’m glad they found peace in the end. At the peak yes I sought help from the police but they were no use really. I still have my diary it was pages and pages long.

I really sympathise with your dilemma Guineagirl. You are not weak, you have been ground down by 9 years of bullying and the stress of losing your dear mum. Apart from the neighbour situation I think it would be helpful for you to find some bereavement counselling through an organisation such as cruse.org.uk

We had a bad situation with our previous neighbour which in the end I felt unable to cope with, so we moved house last year. The feeling of relief is wonderful. The new neighbours are 'normal' and pleasant, and I no longer have to check that he's not outside before I leave the house, or have rising anxiety whenever I return home, wondering if he will be on his drive (he would spend about 6 hours a day out the front with his garage door open).

Is it feasible for you to move house? Some people can ignore a bad atmosphere with neighbours and forget it once behind their own front door, but for me, and it seems for you also, the sanctuary of my home was ruined by my neighbour's behaviour and the atmosphere it cast over our home.

Unless he can be civil when he talks to you then, yes, I would ignore him as you have been doing.

What does your husband/partner say about all of this?

Have you spoken to the police Guineagirl even unofficially? Also the local authority? They appointed a neighbourhood dispute liaison officer when my mum and dad were suffering like this. Sadly the only outcome was to help them by pulling a few strings to enable them to move house but it may be different for you,

Reading your post again it would seem you have had an awful lot to cope with in the last few years and these nasty people are just adding to your stress.

Also I'm sure there have been other threads on GN about nasty neighbours. Not sure if you can do a search for them at the top of the page, unless someone else can point you in the right direction.

Yes I’m in the UK Gillybob. I was a member of the forum when the bullying was at it’s awful peak. I’m not a member now, the passive bullying was commonly seen on NBFH forum, there’s the imitating as well that they do. I’m sure your parents were getting the same thing. I think there seems to be a hierarchy thing here. When he’s out it’s like a cloud has gone.

I'm sorry to hear you are suffering at the hands of a horrible neighbour. Sadly there are quite a few of them about. I'm not sure if your'e in the UK Guineagirl but my elderly parents suffered years of abuse from a young (drug addict) neighbour. I found some very useful information on the organisation Neighbours from Hell (in Britain) website. www.nfh.org.uk/

I hope you can find some useful tips and advice there. Don't suffer in silence ! Good luck.