looking after grandchild

I was always concerned about going to my MIL house with my small children because of several reasons. There was no fire guard, they were all heavy smokers, no rail across the stairs, they lived on a very busy main road, the house was cluttered with china ornaments (bound to get broken), vases of flowers on low tables and so on. It was not a child friendly environment. At home they had all their own toys and games and a garden they could play in.

Thank you Sandy. I no longer know what to do for the best apart from offer what I am prepared to do to help and pop in for brief visits. I'll speak to my son but I doubt he'll act on it. He's now 'allowed' to bring my gc to the house although she won't come. Sad that I can't have my family together, especially at Christmas but I have to accept it. It's true that I can see my gc and I suppose I know I am luckier than some grandparents. Thanks again for all the comments. They have helped me see the situation from different perspectives and I appreciate the time you have all taken.

Sounds like your dil has ocd and is scared of contamination coming from your home to her environment . It’s a very serious condition and will impact on your gc if not dealt with. I knew a lady years ago who suffered with it and me and my friend witnessed her making her daughter wash her hands over and over again in the school toilets. I didn’t understand at the time but found out later what the problem was. Talk to your son if you can as it probably is impacting on him more than you think. I hope things will get better soon

Gosh! I am lucky. Have a good relationship with d and s-i-l. They are pleased to have me round, whether visiting or babysitting. We work details between us and talk, talk, talk. Am sure communication, and being open and honest on all sides, is the best way to go. Doesn't mean we never have differences of opinion!!!

BlueBelle sorry, I missed the bit in the OP saying she hadn't been going for the last few months.

At least you are allowed to look after them, albeit, in their house. I have 1 baby and 2 toddlers in the family, by 2 sons. I very rarely see my older son's kids - maybe once a fortnight for an hour or so. I go to their house at an appointed time. When my daughter inlaw had the second baby, I offered to look after the older girl, but she has declined. Her parents are always having the children. My heart aches. But for peace and quiet, I accept their decision. It is their children, their decision. I don't complain to my son because he never has any sympathy or empathy with me anyway. I do occasionally baby sit for my younger son's toddler. As a result, I feel guilty that I am getting very close to him and him to me . Never mind....that's the way it is. Thanks for listening xx

I was brought up with my parents and my gran. She lived with us. I used to dream of having a gran who had her own house which I could visit. Like in the fairy tales. My other gran was dead before I was born.
So now I am a gran with her own house and longing for grandchildren to visit. Sadly they are not allowed. I just empathize with OP. Her wise grown up female power is being denied her.
I wouldn’t have dreamt of denying my children’s grans’ their right for them to visit and stay. I was pleased that there was a strong family desire for them. (Even though my mil and I had a mutual dislike of each other).
So just a hug and things might change. You just have to accept it. But it is very sad.

Come on grans! its your time now -most of have brought up our children without a lot of help from grandparents, no nurseries, precious little money. Don't be guilt tripped into doing more than you want - . I help out when i can (17 grandchildren) but do not do a regular slot and its always on our terms - and we are very much appreciated. Perhaps some of the young people should consider taking a drop in their standard of living so they don't need so much free childcare.

Wally what wonderful grandparents you have been!
We would all do our best for a grandchild, part of our family, but it gets harder as you get older, so well done.

When my GS was 2 his parents were in a bad place and he moved in with my wife and I and we brought him up and wholly supported him. He left home at 29 to live with his now wife. He is a wonderful boy and we love him dearly. My point is don't lose contact with your GC because things can go wrong very quickly and you will be left bereft.

Sky can I just tell you something from my POV. When I had my DD I had something called post natal anxiety.
It wasn't depression although that soon followed.
I couldn't let my DD out of my sight the worry and stress was absolutely overwhelming. I would have panic attacks, I couldn't sleep, I was losing weight. I was crying all the time I was so poorly.

I couldn't switch these off. It was something I had to do on my own, gradually.
My brain would go over every bad situation and I would be convinced this was going to happen.
Car crashes, kidnapping, abduction, death, cancer..you name it, I was convinced it would happen to DD.

My MIL would stomp her feet and presume her wants would trump my illness. She had zero understanding.
She could 'want' all she wanted, it wasn't going to happen.
It did however cause massive strain and arguments with her as DH as he understand I was ill and couldn't pick and choose when I had this.
Midwives Knew, HV Knew, my doctor knew. It wasn't something I shouted from the rooftops though.

Keep being a support.

My DD is 8 now. Dd2 came along and it didn't go,it got better. I still have it but can manage it.

It isn't something she can turn off. Don't put her in a horrible position she can't help being in.

Sorry Sky we seem to gave cross posted. Organising a timetable for others without consulting them seems your dil lacks social skills.

As your GC gets older hopefully you will have more contact with him and living so close you can pop in regularly to make you a norm in their lives.

Sky you seem to have no understanding of your dil's phobias and anxieties and how she feels about something you feel is irrational.

If you had a fear of flying how anxious you would be if your family took a flight.

When I moved to a house with a large garden a colleague of my husband's wife wanted to know if any of the previous owners had dogs as she didn't want to bring her young children to an adult social occasion when they might play in the garden if there was a risk of them getting an eye infection from dogs pooh. We did not have dogs. I must admit I did feel very frustrated by her as her husband very much enjoyed socialising. But on reflection if she was taking her children somewhere that she felt they could be in danger however irrational it might be to others she was in fear.

I am nervous when my grandson goes to the shops on his bike. I know it is good he does this but I am glad when he is back. To some this might be irrational.

You say your dil lived with you for 4 years so she would know your live style well but you don't seem to know what you do that makes her not want her child in your home. It would be helpful and give us more insight if you could tell us the reason

I feel you should continue visiting your son's family as in future you maybe able to allay the children's fears. You have to deal with the situation as it is not how you want it to be and deciding not to visit doesn't help the child or your son or your future relationship with your grandchildren.

It could be a difference in expectations. I haven't been asked to help but I feel that it is expected that I should without having to be asked. When Nico was born my DIL had written a timetable for three people who would be there in the early days. I pointed out that it would be nice if those people were asked first and that her sister might not be able to get the time off work. She wasn't in fact.
I have asked who will look after my gc when my son is in hospital at the birth. Who will pick him up after play school as no-one else is allowed to have him in their car. Her aunt lives within walking distance of the nursery and it is possible for her to pick him up but the little chap hasn't every been left there without his mum. My DIL has told me what she thinks about me and I feel intimidated.
The only time I have ever been with my GS on my own for a few hours was when she was doing her return to work days. I don't necessarily want to have sole charge but never to be allowed to take him anywhere, ever seems unnatural and limiting for the little chappie.

What Bluebell has written does make a lot of sense. I am aware that there are many grandparents who, for different reasons, are not able to see their grandchildren at all. Yes, it makes me feel very selfish but along with that I have always felt and been told by friends, that by the time the second child comes along my offer of help will be needed. During the last couple of years the situation has upset me quite a lot and I know that how I feel is my problem totally my own but it still saddens me that I'm not trusted to be what I assumed would be a normal grandparent. I have talked to my son but not too much as I don't like putting him in the middle. I've tried explaining to my DIL how I feel but her reaction was the same as when she was living with us for four years or so before they were married - that there were things about living with me that she didn't like. I can't remember the details but I remember how I feel. I've told my son that I'd be prepared to pay for treatment for DIL's anxieties.
Yes, I'll be there for her when the baby comes but I don't want to make any/many changes to the many activities I've built up since I retired.
Thank you all again. The different views are so very helpful.

Wilmaknickers i ve never been asked to look after my grandson
Poster started going around while her daughter in law worked at home which she has said was ^ a few hours a week^ for her own benefit so that she had the opportunity to be alone with the little chap She was not according to her ever asked to childminder
My point is Sky says she hasn’t been going round recently ^ I no longer want to and haven’t for a few months ^ why punish the child because poster is fed up with not having sole charge of the child outside the home
I totally agree it’s tough not being able to take the chap out and about but there may be more than it seems as he goes to nursery so the mum CAN let him go

BlueBelle surely the OP is childminding because the routine now is that she times her visits to fit in with her DiL's shifts? The DiL wouldn't be able to work with an unsupervised 3 year old around. It might have started as a simple visit, but for the last two years the OP has been looking after her GS whilst her DiL works.

I think the arrival of the new baby is an opportunity to talk about the couple's plans. Is the DiL planning to carry on working part-time from home? If so, is it possible she's taking it for granted the OP will be looking after both children? Will the OP's GS be going to nursery soon?

I think the OP should look for an opportunity to start the conversation. It might be a good idea to mention it first to her son and then he can mention it to the DiL. There's a big change coming and that's a good thing for the OP.

Children need more than a few adults in their lives. It sounds as though this child only sees people in his home and occasionally in the park etc. If he has never been allowed to be on his own with other than his parents, he's going to be having a big shock soon when school/nursery begins. He's being sheltered by his mother's anxieties, this is not good for him.

Keep visiting! It’s two miles from yours to theirs. How lucky are you. A good healthy walk, have some time with grandchild and then rock on back home. Can’t think of anything nicer. And when new babe arrives, just say, what can I do to help.

If you withdraw your assistance when your DIL is working, you will just cut your nose off to spite your face. Either you want a relationship with your grandchild or your don't and at the moments, you have one. Of course it would be lovely to do more but some people don't even get the privileges you do. Look at the positives rather than the negatives and make the most of what you've got.

I would advise caution about withdrawing your services, because there could be retaliation such as not being able to see your grandchild, grandchildren.

It sounds as if your grandson doesn't get out much. What a shame as new, enriching experiences are how children develop and learn.

At least it seems that you see him regularly even if you can't take him to your house. Perhaps when they have two children your dil might relax a bit?

Phobias and anxiety are difficult to deal with and can be passed on to children unless the parent makes a conscious effort to avoid. My GC went through a phase of being afraid of water. Her mother, who suffers from anxiety was reluctant to bring her to pool or even bath her as afraid of causing the child trauma. However, I managed to persuade her to bring to pool and just play without any pressure, and of course the child soon started enjoying herself. Now enjoys bath but still doesn’t like hair washed (like many).
My mother was afraid of spiders and passed that on to me. However, I decided to try not to pass on this fear, and bought a book on insects when DS1 was quite small. We had fun looking at spiders and other insects and found them interesting rather than scary, and as a result I got over my own fear.
In relation to OP, her dil’s anxiety sounds much worse, but there’s little sky can do except encourage her son to help his wife deal with the anxiety and continue to visit.

Maybe wait until the new baby arrives? The family dynamics will change and your DIL will have another focus in her life.
She may well be grateful to have you take your GS off her hands for a few hours and I'm sure GS would love the individual attention.
I would be concerned that DILs anxieties are passed on to your GS, fear of water can be a learned phobia as can being anxious around animals.
Labradors are in the top five breeds to have with children because of their patient and gentle nature, if your son does visit with the little lad I would not shut the dog out or your GS may think it is something to be afraid of.

Is he in a house full of fear? The OP says that the parents take him to soft play, the library., the park. He goes to playgroup too, so his mum is happy to let him spend time with others. What she doesn't want is for the OP to have sole charge of him. Not in her home, not in her car, not out on the street.
Maybe mum has her reasons that the OP doesn't understand?
Maybe mum wants to be with her child and doesn't want to send him off with other people. What's wrong with that?