How do I handle this, advise please.

Oh boy do I know the feeling we were so good to a neighbour after he lost his wife . DH would collect him after he visited his son at the airport and I would give him a meal so he would not feel alone after the visit. Unfortunately he coud see us sitting in our conservatory so he would come round for a chat any time he felt like it . The only time we asked him to do something for us he refused because his daughter was visiting and they might have plans . We were so glad to move away from him .
Foolishly we move towns and made the same mistake with a lady who lost her husband . She said she hated to see us going away on holiday as she felt safe when she could see our lights on. We did so much for her culminating in her expecting us to sort out a large house problem for her despite having her own family in the same town . We gave her back her housekey and distanced ourselves but still chat if we meet her. I cannot belive we let ourselves be sucked in for a second time.

Sounds like. Shes lonely

Honesty is the best policy! How old is she? Whether she is taking advantage or just wants company who knows?

Nip the practical help in the bud - tell her DH hasn't time etc. But as others said, you could invite her for a cup of tea and a chat to see IF she wants you around because she is scared of being abused, tell her outright you are concerned because of her claims her husband kicked her. See what her response is?

IF you feel she is in danger, report it!

Not sure I would report it just now based on the info you have given as it may be just a 'story' but go with your gut instincts.

Of course, if you don't want to get that involved then maybe you could speak to one of her many visitors and voice your concerns? If they care about her they will take it from there.

I think I'd plead ignorance and be 'unable' to mend their stuff. "Oh, sorry, I thought this (or that) would work and I have no clue now what could be wrong, you better get an expert in". After a few times hopefully they'll not bother you again.

It reminds me of a very old Andy Capp cartoon, where Flo asked him to do the washing up. He craftily dropped and broke a plate so Flo told him to get out and leave it to her. Cartoon ended with him in his usual position, in front of the TV, with a big smile on his face!

Difficult one. How to be neighbourly without being taken advantage of. . . . .we have an elderly lady a few doors away who I happily visit every now and then to be "talked at" for about an hour then I just stand up and say "have to go now-see you again!".
She started to ring me-can you just come round to unlock the front door in case someone comes?" No I can't! She has carers coming in 4times a day btw.
You need to be quite firm in these situations-while keeping an eye out for problems that need proper intervention-although good luck with that!
I would try to find out their next of kin-our nearby neighbours know ours, just in case, one day. . . .and then you could always tell them if you're concerned.

By all appearances, they probably do need a lot of help, but they are also NOT your parents or your responsibility! You and hubby do not have to be at their beck and call every time they have a new crisis.

I concur with many here that you may want to make yourselves scarce or be able to decline whenever YOU need to, being polite but firm.

You sound like kind, caring people, the kind of good neighbors who would be willing to help in the event of a real emergency. That is not the same however, as becoming the 'go to' solution for all their mundane problems.

I agree with Teetime. do not volunteer husband's services. Give her the name of a local computer shop or technician. Also remind her that these things may be under grantee. Where did she buy them? Once you have advised her of the person or shop do not offer any other help just remind her of your previous advice.

I also agree that it sounds as if you would be wise not to get involved with her situation. She seems to be good at being a victim who needs to be rescued. Once hooked in you would find it virtually impossible to exit.

The Age UK business directory has both Computer repairs and Computer support. You could advise her to look these up.

www.aubdnotts.co.uk/

Good luck with this.

Good advice from everyone. I would never offer my hubby's services without asking him first,but you've gone past that just say to her that you don't know what he's doing or he is busy,no explanation needed as to what. I would also tell her if she's not sure about computer then don't set up an online shopping account as sometimes things go wrong when you're online and she'll be at your door again asking for help every time she shops. My MIL used to phone to get things done around the house that were annoying her and if we couldn't go right away she would go to a neighbour. Eventually the neighbour phoned us to say that she was phoning her and ringing her bell every five minutes. It was so hard to explain to her not to do that. Anyway we later found out she had vascular dementia and that was making her do strange things. This could be your neighbour and her hubby to if he kicked her. I know it's good to be kind but your needs and hubby's come first. You have to learn to say NO and without a sorry.

I wonder if the husband may be starting to have dementia, or some other condition which is affecting his mental abilities.

Maybe he is the one who has dealt with computers etc in their household. If he is now having difficulty doing these things they may not want family or friends to know, hence asking you for help.

That could be an explanation for uncharacteristic anger from the man, also.

Is there a health issue here? sounds as though she should chat to her Doctor, as her "cries for help" as in involving you in everything, makes me suspicious.
Dont be at her beck and call or it will escalate, if she does have many friends who visit then they should help her, Dont get involved, and your Husband doesnt need to be an odd job man!

This is a difficult one I tend to keep my self to my self now because my kind nature gets taken advantage of. However if this lady is being abused then that must not be ignored. Can you point her in the direction of her doctor, agencies or support services that may be able to help? Or could you ring adult social services or a charity with your concerns? Is there a family member you can speak to? I agree you probably need to back away but how would you feel if he hurt her badly? I personally would alert someone to her abuse, I think her behaviour could be a cry for help..

I wouldn't blame you for deciding your and your husband's time can't be taken up with the demands of this couple, but before you withdraw completely, please just let the social services know their address and that they're elderly and that the wife reported that her husband had caused her actual bodily harm. They can take it from there.

I think I would be quite honest with her next time she asks for help with something that your husband has helped with and say that I had, stupidly, volunteered my husband's help without bothering to ask him if it was all right, and that he is fed up with me about it.

After all, we have all made that particular mistake, haven't we? Most wives understand very well when we make this particular excuse that it is no good continuing to ask for help with these things.

As to the things you could help her with: if you don't want to encourage her to come and ask for help, either say you are sorry, you can't help, or if this is too unlikely, say you are sorry, you don't have the time.

I had this problem with neighbours when we had a problem in the block. It was made clear as the youngest here (at 65) I should deal with it. I accepted that as they are a lot older and not well but I thought that they were on their own with relatives abroad. I've since discovered that they both have relatives much younger than I am that could have stepped in and the fact that I was stressed out by the situation too was not taken into account.
It is annoying.
I would say that your husband is going to be too buy for a while to deal with the printer but maybe she could get one of her visitors to look at it for her or google it if they aren't sure. Then try to cut any further conversation about it.
She obviously enjoys your company but sometimes people are only friendly because you are useful. It seems unfair to keep volunteering your husband for things that he is not particularly keen on doing.

You have to be logical, some people are only interested in what you can do for them! Ask them to come round and dig your garden because you’ve got a sore back or something and see how that goes. You have to teach people like that that it goes both ways in of course the nicest way possible and have fun doing it!

Wow, you mean we can get free it support as we are over 60? So I don't have to pester my 11 year old grandson? My son is too busy teaching and my daughter is anti tech.

I cannot believe you are ignoring a potential abuse case. Elderly abuse of one spouse by another is real - it can and does happen and can get worse over time for all sorts of reasons. I don't know who you call in these situations but I beg you to find out - don't keep it to yourself.

I think if your neighbours don't know how to set up an online shopping account then they really don't know anything about using computers so there's no point in them having one!!! Tell them you feel you have helped them enough now and they need to ask their family how to actually use the computer or go to the library and enrol in lessons- either that or tell them your husband (and you) have decided to set up a business offering troubleshooting computer advice at £30 an hour- that should stop them asking again.

Re the abuse matter- you should have advised her at the time to confide in her family or close friends or ring the police and report him for violence and just keep out of the matter and their lives in future- be polite but distant and keep offering the same advice if she repeats the claim again unless you actually witness an incident yourself then you can ring the police in case you find yourselves in danger from this man.

granma47, could you help by making the phone call, so that the service works as it should?

Living next door you are 'on tap' so she does not have to wait for visitors to help her. Ref to her bad leg she tells you her partner was responsible she tells your hubby she fell. Warning bells here.Have you met her partner She is clearly getting your attention and it sounds this lady is either very lonely or has a medical condition.?I agree you don't want to get involved who knows that if this lady does have a medical condition it would be your word against hers.
How did she get hold of your phone number?Are you not ex D on your landline? if you are only give your number to those who matter to you. Family, friends or business.If she has your mobile number then either you or DH gave it to her. By your good deed over the computer you have now made a rod for your own back.You don't want to cause friction as you are neighbours. Ignoring her may be worse than being available to her.All I can suggest is that DH has a word with her partner and he should not hold back that she told you the partner was responsible for her bad leg and how worried you are. I wish you luck.

why not invite her in for a cup of tea/coffee - just for a chat to be friendly. She might need someone to talk to....as for the computer problems, I think everyone else has come up with practical solutions!!

I think it’s lovely to be in a position to offer help or advice. I’ve been able to help various neighbours with emergency babysitting, dog walking and IT issues. ( All for different neighbours) It’s made me feel kind and valuable. The plus side is that I would never be hesitant to ask for help or advice from any of them if needed. Fortunately these have all been random requests, not every week. I think the trick is to get the balance right. You can’t be at someone's beck and call or go running at every IT hiccup. Encourage them to learn how to help themselves and be kind and supportive but only go to help as and when you can and it’s convenient to do so. Maybe if they have to wait, they’d realise that they need to learn themselves.

I think you have to have sanctuary in your own home. It has a huge impact on your wellbeing when you're constantly 'on guard'.

I will add that www.abilitynet.org.uk/at-home/IT-support-for-disabled-people is for the over 60s as well as disabled people.

We have a similar problem with a neighbour who found out that my husband is a volunteer with www.abilitynet.org.uk/at-home/IT-support-for-disabled-people.
As the name suggests it is a godsend for people struggling with their computers, however, a phone call must be made to register the problem with head office which he can then action.
Our neighbour has a speech impediment which means when she phones the head office has difficulty understanding her. Consequently, she keeps coming to the door (front & back) asking for help. I am less sympathetic than my husband and try to turn her way whereas he will help.
It has now got to the stage where we too pretend we aren't in.