How can you find what makes you happy

Well done Serkeen, so good that the house is in your name. I hope he goes soon, and I agree you should get legal advice asap. Good luck !

Serkeen
Oh I do love it when an abused woman finds her balls.
Meant in the nicest possible way. Enjoy the rest of your life

Serkeen I couldn't be more pleased to read your last post/s. I love the way you put it. 'I'm over you. When are you moving out?' No messing, no ifs no buts.

Any man who told me he didn't want sex because of the menopause would be shown the door quicker than that.

No, you don't 'need' a man to make you happy. This is the lie that we were sold all those years ago as young women, and it still carries on. There is a payback and it means you lose a lot, or most, of your independence and freedom to decide what makes YOU happy. Gone are the days when we had no financial independence. Owning the roof over your head is better than all the oil in the Gulf. Your own roof, your own front door. You can choose what to eat, when to eat, when to go out, when to stay in.

See a family solicitor soonest and get it all sorted out.

The very best of luck to you!

Serkeen I hadn't kept up with all the posts on this thread, but have just been reading back.

You have been very brave and I wish you much greater happiness and fulfillment as your new future unfolds.

Well done Serkeen! I hope he takes you seriously. Just be warned you may have to give him a deadline. Don't back track. I really hope you start to feel better in yourself. Can you buy something new for Autumn?
All this must be so difficult.

The very best of luck with your new future Serkeen

So much good advice that has helped me and by reading the posts others too, which I am so pleased about.

I am in a different place with it all now.

I have spoken to him and explained that I am over him and when are you moving out..

After 35 years of it I think enough is enough, it has not all been bad but it is bad now and has been for too long.

One of the posters said you do not need a man to make you happy. I have learnt that this is true because I am happier now that he is semi out of my life.

The property is in my name and this is why I have asked him to leave.

I can not put in words how valuable EVERY post has been, it is so amazing that people that you have never met can make such an impact on your life and give so much support, it's crazy isn't it

Thank you a million trillion times x x

Seacliff I know it is not easy. In particular, it is not easy because of the undiagnosed depression. I would suggest that, as a first step, a visit to the GP about depression. Depression makes it difficult/impossible to do anything positive, It has been described as trying to wade through thick treacle, thick mud, or similar. Everything is an effort. Just lifting your head off the pillow of a morning, is difficult. Support and treatment are essential.

It's also worth mentioning that there's a thing called 'coercive control' www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/coercive-control-how-can-you-tell-whether-your-partner-is-emotio/

Constantly putting you down, as Serkeen describes, would seem to come firmly under this heading.

I was a bit amused (although I know it's serious) by someone's mention of not putting fabric conditioner in his shirts. There's one easy answer to that. If you don't like the way your shirts are washed, there's the washing machine - do it yourself! I realise that I can say that but many women could not, after years of being belittled and ground down. Coercive control again.

I think the worst thing is to live with someone who doesn't value you at all and makes you feel worthless. It's very hard to feel good about yourself, and mentally tell yourself you're a good person, if you're still choosing to live with someone who constantly brings you down and really doesn't even like you. They say you must love yourself before you can expect others to like you.

I'm not putting this well, it's easy for everyone to say leave him, I know it's not that easy.

I don't suppose there's anyone you could go and stay with for a month, as a temporary separation?

Sparkle199 your post really struck a chord with me. About the cooking and the washing.

I long ago decided that I was not put on this earth to be anyone's cook/skivvy/laundress/housekeeper. This was before my first marriage in 1957. Once we'd sorted out a few things we always shared the jobs around the house. At that time most blokes had been in the forces and were expected to be able to iron their own uniforms, clean their own boots, make their own beds etc.

He died in 1992, I got together with DH in 1997, we married in 2002. Although never in the forces he's very practical and capable, can push a mean Dyson, all the rest of it.

After widowhood I occasionally went out with 'singles' guys. One, I'll never forget. We met in a pub. He didn't offer to buy me a drink and before we'd sat down he began this preamble: 'My wife died 5 years ago. I've had to learn to cook. In 35 years of married life I never so much as made a cup of tea'.

I've never forgotten the hopeful look that he cast at me?

My bottom did not even hit the chair. I was out of there so fast.

It's not necessarily what happens to you that makes you feel a certain way, it's how you approach it in your mind that makes the difference.
I lost my dear husband to motor neurone disease - a truly devastating illness. It was the worst thing I've ever had to cope with. I try to think that anything that I go through by comparison must better than that.
I'm a cancer survivor and while the chemo wasn't fun, compared to what DH went through it was a tea party, so I'm glad to be alive and count my blessings. Even small things can mean a lot, such as a sunny day, a nice cup of tea, a pretty flower in the garden.
Also, if I have to do a job which I dislike (such as dusting or vacuuming) I tell myself that at least I have the sense and the eyesight to cope with it (MIL does not). It doesn't always work but I try not to dwell too much on the bad stuff. Being creative also distracts the mind from too much misery.

Apologies for a long post. There is some really good advice on here Serkeen and I hope you can gain some peace of mind and find happiness in your life in the not too distant future. It must be dreadful living with a partner who contributes little to your relationship, although I suspect there are many people in the same position all trying to find ways to cope with their situation. I lost my husband to cancer at a very young age and brought my daughter up on my own. I was devastated at the time (even now I can get upset about it, and feel sad not to have had the life I thought I would have, especially now I'm older and seeing my friends who have retired having great adventures with their partners). I only had one serious relationship after being widowed for some years, and that didn't work out, and dented my confidence big time. But I deal with the sadness in my life by being grateful for what I have, and what I can do, and try not to dwell on what I haven't got or can't do. I had a happy marriage and I'm grateful we had our daughter and my husband was able to see her before he died (she was 3 months old when this happened). I could have spent my life feeling bitter but so many of us cope with hardships of one kind or another and we have to find a way, not always of coming to terms with what has happened, but of learning to live with it, or changing how we deal with it. Like others here I take great delight in simple pleasures, and although I don't have a lot of money I also don't have expensive taste! Like you, I am very supportive of others, sometimes giving too much and leaving myself emotionally and physically drained. I'm lucky in that I have very supportive family and friends so I get back what I put in but I have had to protect myself at times and pull back from doing too much as at the end of the day the only person who's really going to look after you is you and if you spread yourself too thinly you will burn out. Good luck, and I hope you find your own way of dealing with the difficulties in your life.

Just remember that clinical depression in its most classic form isn't sad and crying all the time, it's a feeling of inertia and lethargy as if nothing is exciting any more. So I think the OP described classical clinical depression.

This is really a deep philosophical question and hard to give answers although some great ones have been suggested. Contentment is what I refer to as that feeling that all is well in my world and I like my life, and I'm just strolling along. Happiness is stronger than that, a sort of 'spring in your step' feeling, and then there's joy ...when jumping is the metaphor used to describe that feeling. Joy I think usually comes in moments, its not usually a lasting state. Think about those things that gave you happiness as a child...was it riding a bike? climbing trees, walking a pet dog, going to parties? Its difficult to get back to our childhood selves and remember those happy times, but I think that's where the answer lies, or at least in the start of the answer. Were you happy at piano lessons? Give yourself some time to have a good think, and if possible give it a go, whatever it was. (If its climbing trees take care!)
Good Luck x

Thank you for all those wonderful posts. I have the same problem and feel so guilty as I know I'm a really lucky person and have no right to feel unhappy. Those wise responses helped me to feel normal as well as giving such good advice. ?

Serkeen, I really feel for you,?I know exactly how you're feeling because I am exactly in the same position.

We have to realise nothing is going to change unless we initiate it. I've spent years procrastinating, now my children are grown up and getting on with their lives, although still at home; I can see what an empty shell of a marriage I have,?and how unloved I am by him. He's hanging onto me for his meals and washing to be done. He doesn't lift a finger, only talks to me to moan about a meal, get his washing done, even then he moans I've not washed things properly, no fabric conditioner etc!! I live in fear of his key in the door. I've been to a solicitor twice but not taken it further, fear of the unknown, worries about financial uncertainties, only a part time job, age I'm 58 There's probably a lot of us out there!
Serkeen, I'm here for you pm me , maybe we can help each other.
Take care ?Xx

I think you are depressed Serkeen, and reading your last two posts it is no wonder.
Its time you put yourself first and looked after your needs.
See your GP and at home let that nasty horror fend for himself.
Fill your time doing things that are for you..
I enjoy feeding the ducks in the park, feeding the squirrels with monkey nuts. They are so tame that they will take the nut from your hand if you crouch down and hold the nut in your outstretched hand about 6" from the ground.
I save the crusts for the seagulls, throwing them whole in their direction. Watching them fight and squawk over the bread is enough to make anyone temporarily forget their woes.
One seagull usually flies off holding a chunk of bread in his beak, furiously followed by others intent on it not devouring his new gains.
Take little steps that will make you feel a little better about yourself and then build on them.
Best wishes.

I agree with the posters that suggest you should perhaps be kinder to yourself and not try to make other people happy, you can't make them happy, or only temporarily, but you can think more about what you would like, rather than what they would like, and accept that your feelings are just as important as anyone else's. Your wants and needs matter equally to those of your family and friends.

I agree with margrete......you are worth more

Serkeen - at last we get down to the nitty-gritty.

Your last 2 posts said it all. All that has been written, about Buddhism, Pollyanna, depression/not depression, is irrelevant.

Face it. You can never be happy living as you are living now. No one could, except maybe someone like Mother Teresa. Absolutely no normal woman could be happy in such circumstances.

So he doesn't want sex any more because you're near the menopause. I've heard some things in my 82 years, but OMG, that really takes the biscuit. The ultimate insult.

Your mention of doing things for others - hours sitting at his bedside (what's wrong with him?) - begins to make sense. He does not deserve you. You're a comparatively young woman. You deserve so much more. Live alone, live for yourself, stop being a martyr to this worthless man!

I can only urge you - stop doing it. Get away - with your sanity and your health intact. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Well then , walk away Serkeen, if that's what he says. Is there anyone you could stay with? Where you are living is it rented by you both? Surely you should see a solicitor.

He also said that because I have reached the menopause and the danger of falling pregnant is no longer there, he does not want to be with me in that way anymore.

Your post made me cry Rosemary still crying, everything you say makes sense but I am so gutted that he is treating me so bad. I have just spent three months at his bedside from 9am til 7pm every day and now he tells me I am not enough for him and he is bored with me

I have been an idiot for many years because I love him but I have allowed him to be cruel to me walk all over me.

I know I need to find the strength from somewhere

I find that writing down my problems and then making a plan of action is helpful. Sometimes just identifying one source of unhappiness and thinking of ways to tackle it helps.
For example if I feel I need to think about leaving , I start to save towards it and think of an escape plan. I now have my own bank account.
Or in the mean time try to find a way round the unpleasantness.
At the end of the day I try to think of three good things that have happened.

It seems to me you are bored with everything more than unhappy. You need some challenges. Write a list of what makes you happy and what makes you unhappy and take it from there. I sometimes feel there is nothing more I can do...so I write the list and challenge myself ....it doesn't have to cost money. If there are things on the list that involve other people making you unhappy...then do what you can to change it. I did this 6 months ago with an acquaintance. She had just moved to the neighbourhood so she obviously needed to make some friends..naturally I befriended her and invited her to help me on my coffee morning bric-a-brac stall...she eventually started to take over and give me orders! I had to bite my tongue so many times. As time went on I could see we had nothing in common and lunches with her became a chore...which made me unhappy...so over time I backed off, gradually without animosity...and the weight has lifted! I couldn't be happier.