My Grans unannounced daily visits

Re your back gate. Can you fix a bolt low down on the gate? Out of reach for anyone reaching over? You could tell her it's to stop burglars / make the garden safer from outside danger for your son. Then do the going out / blind shutting advised by others. A few wasted journeys and she may be more amenable to arranged visits.

If you really want to get your own life back & find you can't have a conversation with her asking her not to call unannounced or un invited, then Lock your door, don't answer it or your phone, don't tell her where or what you are doing .

Thistle rose....have you got a mirror?

Do you have a Sky phone? If so Sky Talk Shield really works. You can bar her phone number really easily, then you won't feel guilty about not answering her calls!

NfkDumpling that made me laugh because I have visions on me and the kids all laying on the bathroom floor.. So many people have let me know that I'm not being unreasonable so I feel strong enough to just come out and say I'd prefer a call or text to check if I'm available for visitors.. She manipulates me into feeling bad so I just wasn't sure of myself.. Enough of you lovely people have set me on the right path.. I have only just started setting boundaries and this one will be major but will show me it can be done and believe me this will be the hardest one to do Thank you x

Could you ask a close friend to intervene for you if you don't have a family member who could help? Or could you write to her, being firm but kind ie You would like to see her but it would be better if she made an arrangement to visit rather than just turning up?
Has she got any friends you could ask to help? I had to do this once with my Mother in Law who did exactly the same when I had my first baby. She turned up every day on her way home from work .... that awful hour when everyone is ready for tea, the baby is whinging, it's bath time etc etc. I took to sitting in the dark, underneath the window in the bedroom, willing the baby not to cry! I asked a friend of hers to speak to her and, although it caused a bit of friction at the time, things sorted themselves out eventually. She's 88 now and I'm 63 - we get on well!

GrannieAnnie I am planning to wait on her next visit and I'll say then that I am implementing new rules in the house as I want new routines in place for no 4 coming along.. I'll ask for a text or call to check if I'm available.. She will get angry but hopefully I will get angry back and fight my corner.. My main concern was if I was being unreasonable, after all the advice it seems I'm not being so I feel must more confident in what I'm asking x

I hope you are successful. Please let us know the outcome.

Thank you Ellie Anne, I will do x

Don't get angry, get firm, strong, determined & absolutely certain that she is not coming in uninvited or without prior agreement.good luck you can do it. Ps, someone once said to me , no one else's time , opinion,happiness etc is more important than another's i.e. you are entitled to have your wishes respected, your grans wishes do not take precedence over yours.

Thistlerose - it's so good to see your increased determination to end this situation. I was always told that being old does not mean that you can do anything you like - unless you're prepared for the consequences.

Do let us know how you get on. We can keep you motivated!

Thank you so much.. I will update you all on the drama as it unfolds, I'm expecting the dreaded silence which I plan to just enjoy x

What a terrible situation, others say go out for the day etc. but why should you have to leave your own home because Gran insists on visiting on a daily basis.Maybe it would be best to say you dont want her to visit so often as you are very busy, with a young baby, and two other children and havent got time just to talk, etc suggest as many others have said, a special day when you have time to have her round.
If she is offended it is sad, but your health must come first, you need time with your Family.Good Luck

Thistlerose. Keep your chin up girl. My mother too was like this. I was so scared of her. But because I didn't want her controlling my children as she did me. I asked her to leave my house, ( she had her own flat but insisted on staying with me. At the time I was divorcing my childrens dad.) I found it a huge relief to get her out of my house. You will find that strength otherwise she will control every aspect of your life. For your children's sake take heart. It will be so liberating. Good luck. Xxx

She sounds very much like my mother used to be,I've moved away now so don't have the problem,but that wasn't the reason for the move I hasten to add!

I would probably start off gently by shutting her down so to speak, as in locking away things you don't want her to see. Keep your phone on you at all times and just tell her no, it's yours and it's private.The next thing I'd do is get a hasp and staple style catch fitted to the back gate that you fit a padlock to & can keep locked so she can't get in. Tell her it's for security purposes (I used to have a tall gate that was always locked my my children were small, I still keep it locked now, it's not so unusual these days) and leave it at that, if she asks for a key,just say no as padlocks don't usually come with more than 2 keys and you're keeping a spare with a neighbour (don't say who) just in case of emergencies.
Good luck no matter how much you love them rellies can be hard work at times x

A lot of good advice to choose from here, Thistlerose.

Ask yourself "Whose needs are more important?" Yours or hers?

If the answer is yours, you must be prepared for a confrontation because your Gran sounds like a bully. She has sensed your weakness and that is what bullies exploit.

You have more power than you think because bullies also hate confrontations. They simply don't expect their victims to confront them and can't handle it.

Prepare a script and if necessary, phone her and read it out with feeling so she won't know you've written it all down. You could say something like -

"Hello Gran. I'm ringing to let you know that I don't want you to visit me every day anymore. I know this will disappoint you but that's how I feel. I'm sure you will respect my wishes and when I feel up to another visit from you, I will let you know."

You don't have to give reasons that she can ridicule or pick apart. If asked the reason, just say something vague like "That's the way I feel." Similarly, if asked when she can visit again, just say you'll ring her and let her know but don't commit yourself to even a once a week visit.

Br prepared for a torrent of manipulative comments ("I'm your grandmother or have you forgotten? or "After all I've done for you" or "It's not fair to stop me from seeing my grandson" etc.

Also be prepared for her to ignore you. As NfKDumpling suggests - a back gate with sliding bolts on the inside?

First, please don't get angry.......once that happens you have lost the battle you need to stay completely calm you speak very quietly, but firmly and you don't waver from your rules
Secondly very, very important it would be better to have this conversation BEFORE she enters the house because once she's in you re on a back foot immediately

Write or text or phone and tell her what day time to come over if you wait until she walks in you have already lost the first control .....round one to her

Yes, don't tell her which neighbour has the key, or she'll be round there telling them that you said she could get it from them!

Take age out of the equation given that you say she's in perfect health. She sounds like an awful person. Can't you just be straight with her? Imagine she was younger, unrelated and a "friend". What would you say to a friend arriving unannounced every day who read your mail and looked at your phone?

Strawberrinan it wouldn't even happen as I like many others give off the impression that it wouldn't be acceptable and I'd have no problems saying so.. Someone hit it on the head, I've been brainwashed to believe I'm in debt to her and that I shouldn't dare to question her.. I actually do confront her about her behaviours to other people but she tells me to stop being stupid or tells me such and such thinks she shouldn't have me talking to her like that xx

She sounds a right pain in the backside maybe lonely, or dare I say it getting 'senile'? That is not an excuse for the way she behaves towards you.
Does she have a son or a daughter? then inform them of her behaviour and ask them to deal with her. Maybe they have had what your having and fed up with her. So keep your door locked and curtains drawn until she gets the message. Not pleasant but its you or her and it is your house.

Lots of good advice for you from GN. I am wondering if your gran has always been like this,not just with you but other members of your family. Is there no one else in your immediate family that you can confide in and get them to give you some moral support. Your gran could have signs of early dementia which can cause all kinds of disruptive/inappropriate behaviour, sometimes quite embarrassing. I wonder if you have a community nurse who you can confide this to...all this worry is not good for your pregnancy. If you can confide this to your midwife or community nurse they may be able to advise you and find a discreet way to encourage her to have an annual health check.

She has been like this with everyone, she has two daughters that have our kids each and each one of them have at very least one child.. Everyone else either has nothing to do with her or very little, her behaviour isn't new it's just became more unbearable because for the last year and a half I've not been working so I'm available to her.. I did wonder about her medically but she has all her marbles and tells me what she's done to annoy someone else.. I spoke to my midwife who told me to set the boundary.. I definitely feel like I can now, I just needed some people to tell me that it wasn't normal.. I didn't have a normal childhood so now and then I have nothing to relate to.. You guys have really helped and I genuinely can't thank you all enough xx

Good luck! Do post again and let us know how you get on!

The advise I was given at work when dealing with difficult clients, which you probably already knows :-

Don't lose your temper and remember the stuck record rule. Work out what you're going to say as briefly as possible. Keep it simple, let her have a rant, repeat it. Silence is very powerful too. When she's expecting you to rant back at her, don't. Stay silent. Take a deep breath and repeat the same statements again. If you can be standing while she's sitting it also puts you in a position of power. Didn't you say you have teenage daughters? You are invincible!