Asking prospective FILs permission

No need to ask "permission", but provided the wife-to-be is happy with it, it's an opportunity to get mega brownie points from prospective FIL by politely taking him to one side and advising him of your plans, with a "hope you're happy with this" approach.It's a polite, quaint custom which can certainly be modified and brought up-to-date.

It's just a courtesy, as in, I'm going to ask your daughter and hope you approve (cos it's going to happen anyway !! )

Chattel !! ..possession !!!... of course not - as previously mentioned, lighten up.

I think it's very old fashioned and smacks of daughters being their fathers possession until they become their husbands possession which of course isn't true

My SIL checked beforehand that we were both going to be at home. They had been together for years so I guessed why he was calling in. I did try to act all surprised whilst trying to suppress a giggling fit. It was a lovely traditional gesture though am now wondering "does anyone ever say No!"

My SIL does have impeccable manners ....,

My DH didn't ask my father ....
My DS did ask his future FIL

Polly99

I would say yes to your DS asking his prospective FiL. Its a friendly gesture rather than a formal one these days, but acknowledges two families coming together, which is the same.

With you there mcem and ginny , never thought anybody literally "asked for permission" - some people really do need to lighten up.

Lovely manners........always a bonus in a new husband.

Well my DH asked my father after he'd asked me and I'd accepted! It just seemed a courtesy! My father didnt know what to say and called my mum who was thrilled! However, I did NOT promise to obey!
My own daughter walked down the aisle with DH and he also gave her away. I was amazed as she is pretty stridently feminist, but she thought it would please him I think, and whats wrong with that! Its just a tradition and really means nothing these days.

Have you actually read this whole thread hicaz ? It's obvious that is not the case!

Asking permission smacks of ownership. Your parents don't own you so shouldn't be asked. It's harking back to the good (or rather bad) old days. What next dowries?

Totally agree mcem.

There never were 3 couples more into equality than the 3 I mentioned. No insecurities about their status or value. Nothing smacking of patronising or paternalism at all.
Walked down the aisle by proud dad but not 'given away'and no vow to obey.
And you've reminded me that when they came to tell me, my DiL did add (jokingly!!!) 'that's if it's ok with you'.
I say again Lighten up!

If it's a harmless resurrection of a sweet old tradition, which I'm prepared to accept that it is (maybe!), then I think it's worth mentioning that the words "ask" and "permission" are a tad misleading. If it's just about telling rather than asking, why not use the word tell and both prospective partners do the telling?

Also, why is no-one mentioning it being done the other way, by the prospective wife to her prospective mother-in-law.

While ever it is or even looks like a one-sided tradition you can't really expect modern-thinking people to accept it as not just a wee bit of a patronising and paternalistic tradition that they'd rather had buggered off into the sunset along with other traditions that seem not to favour equality.

Agree.... thanks to Mcem and ..nipsmum..this was exactly what happened.... we all knew it was coming just not when

Agree. While it's not and never has been necessary, it is a nice gesture and will be much appreciated by the parents. My daughters father wasn't in her life but her fiance did ask me and I thought it was lovely and quite romantic

Don't be daft! Permission was not sought with the prospective bride having no inkling!
It was a light-hearted nod to an old tradition.
They'd all been living together and sharing motgages! Marriage had been well and truly discussed and it was simply a way of telling her parents before 'the big announcement' and setting the date.
Goods n chattels, dowries n bottom drawers were never part of their arrangements.
Lighten up!

None of my Husbands asked my DF although in the case of numbers 2 & 3 this would have been difficult as DF died soon after I married No 1

I don't think we gave it any thought, with numbers 2 & 3 I was a divorcee, I was my own woman.

I believe it's up to each individual but agree it is a nice gesture to inform prospective FiL of intention to propose to DD.

David absolutely right! Awful to ask a parent if it is OK to marry their daughter if the daughter has no inkling that an engagement/marriage is an option!!

I think it is far nicer for the couple who plan to marry to go together to meet parents (both lots!) to tell them of their plans!

If my DH had done this (34 years ago) then I think I would have changed my mind about marrying him! (In my view it's dreadfully outdated, but each to their own...) Surely the important thing is that the prospective bride should be consulted before her dad is "asked"?

BBevan SiLver?

Each to his own but we were all very happy how this was handled by our son....even though they were 8000 miles away we all got to share their happiness..

I suppose she then filled her bottom drawer and Dad produced a Dowery ? How old fashioned

I agree with that, nemos. It's what we did: we announced that we had got engaged to our parents before we told anyone else.

Women are no longer chattels to be given by one man (father) to another (husband). So no let there be no pretence about asking 'permission'. HoweverI think it's good manners to tell parents first before they hear it from elsewhere.

DH did ask my father's permission. My father said sometime later that he was pleased to be asked. He was rather old fashioned about such courtesies. As I was a servicewoman at the time, I also had to get permission from my CO to get married as I was under 21. My son asked his prospective father in law also, although it was not expected of him.