How to have conversations

Perhaps you could find out which TV programmes, films and music she is interested in and watch them yourself so that you can start a discussion with her. I do this with my GCs all the time. There is plenty to discuss about things like X Factor, Junior BakeOff or I'm a Celebrity. Something makes me think you might consider them too trivial.

joyjoy, it must seem odd if you see her chatting away with a group of friends and know she chats to you on the phone. Have a think about the meal time, might it feel quite formal to her, is she sitting where she can see other people, is she comfortable physically, are there gaps in the adult conversation to let her get a word in? Did someone once tell her to be quiet at the table? Those sort of things. If there is nothing obvious then perhaps try to let her lead, it may be that she just doesn't want to talk while she is eating (not necessarily a bad thing) or she is genuinely bored by the adult conversation. Think I'd wait and see at this point. Just another thought, does she ever go to a friends house for a meal, if so perhaps a quiet word with the parents to find out how she behaves there, see if its different. Of course it may be that at times she just want to listen. I wouldn't worry too much, she has people who care about her and who want the best for her, things will change when she is ready for them to. Sometimes its best just to wait and see.

As a shy child, I would have been rather intimidated to have been expected to have "conversation" at the dining table - indeed, years ago, we would have been expected not to chat when eating, although obviously, times have changed! I think it would be best to allow her to interact in her own way - even if that means not being very chatty, she is obviously not withdrawn at other times.
Allow her to be herself.

joyjoy children can be very shy, even with their own family - sometimes even more so. When you say that she 'tunes out' it may be her way of coping with what she sees as a stressful situation.

Suzie

Reminds me of my DD and DgD (8) out in a restaurant with the family.
DD: " Now we are in a proper restaurant so let's have a grown up conversation - what shall we talk about?"
DGD: "I know - car Insurance"

Maybe she is just enjoying her food?

Thank you rosesarered - that is reassuring. It's been a long time since my own DC were that age

Sounds strange doesn't it? Although I wouldn't worry about it at this stage, just go on trying.

rosesarered when she is with a group of other children she is absolutely fine (ie they all get on like a house on fire)

and we do include her of course, but feel she does need to show some interest in what others are saying if it is a conversation that is relevant to her and including her (again - nothing remotely heavy)

rosesarered no hearing problems
my guess is that it is a confidence thing so I would like to help if we can. No one is expecting her to "perform" or to do or be anything other than what she is but if we can help her have the confidence to join in then surely this is a good thing? She isn't the most confident child generally

The adults at the table will have to make sure that she is involved by including her in a few questions, she may feel dominated by other children -as she is an only child?

It's just a thought.

No pressure to perform Ana - just to be included and know that she is included

Could she have hearing problems?I did as a child, and was fine with a one to one chat but never heard anything properly when a group were laughing and chatting.Am still not good and have to concentrate hard in a group.

Oh dear this was a totally genuine question. her parents (and I when I am there) just want her to feel involved in the chat rather than having any in depth conversations about anything heavy. I thought it was reasonable to expect a child of this age to be able to join in when they are being included at an appropriate level. It's not with a lot of strangers after all. Surely it is fair enough to want to help a child engage (even at a tiny level) rather than tune out?

She's a little girl. Let her develop at her own pace! The more pressure you put on her to 'perform' the more tuned-out she'll become...

rosearered no she is an only child - has lots of friends and is used to being in the company of adults too.

riverwalk - yes we ask these questions and they get the usual what I think are fairly typical answers (nothing, I can't remember or a stream of chat if there was something specific) On a one on one level it is fine but her parents get frustrated with her tuning out of anything else and I can see the irony of this because it is far more boring to sit at a table when you have lost track of a conversation than when you are engaged in it

My DGS (admittedly, has autism)
Me.."what did you have for school lunch today."
Him...."food"
Me..."yes, but what kind of food."
Him.."edible food!"

Leave her alone, she's just being herself. We don't all want to join in, or be like everyone else. ☺

I do find it very hard indeed to believe that the OP is being serious.

yes that is a good point and in a big group this wouldn't be unexpected - I am thinking more of smaller gatherings such as me, her and her parents - she can be perfectly loud and bouncy when she wants but how to engage her in chat. It's getting to the stage where she switches off regardless (and we are often talking about things that interest or involve her) and we don't want this to become a default habit

Is she a middle child?They often feel slightly excluded, our DD was like this,and the older DD more dominating and the youngest ( a boy) full of fun and jokes and got himself noticed.

What did you do at school today?

Stuff

How lovely!

There is always one child that is quieter than the others joyjoy and maybe this is the
Case here?