She's relied on me for a decade. What do I do now?

This reminded me of my late MIL and there is a possibility of Dementia. Plus old people can be incredibly nasty (especially the women for some reason). In my opinion this may be due to their lives coming to an end, being frightened of the unknown or possibly as a previous poster commented, to get the sympathy. Their lives have narrowed sustantially with age and they exaggerate every little incident into a huge drama. That said if I were in your shoes and to avoid any further hurt to yourself, I would definitely give her keys back and withdraw your kind efforts. She has a carer so she's not completely isolated and you have done more than enough!!

Ironic really how doing a good turn comes back to "bite you on the bum". Makes one wonder just how much appreciation there was in the first place.

Surely she'll acknowledge your birthday after all the care you've given over the years!
Best wishes to you ?

I just wonder how many people can honestly say they do not "slag off" people they know, people they love, friends, relatives, husbands etc, behind their backs? We seem to be a great nation of being nice to people's faces and rude behind them. On the other hand if you tell people their faults to their faces they usually can't take it and sulk or are too sensitive to accept the criticism and don't speak to you again! Your friend may be extremely grateful for all you do for her on one hand but not get on with you in a personal way.

Oh I feel so much better this morning, my 75th birthday. I realised when going over it all yesterday that MrsM became narky when my husband wandered off as I always say. He was absent much of our marriage climbing mountains and shut away reading books. After 40 years he met a woman he liked and took himself off. It was a blessed relief but hardly my fault.
I'm not going next door until I have to when she calls for help and then will tell her how her words shocked me. If she apologises I will eat my proverbial hat and I will let you know.
Again, thank you all

I can only add to the support. Yes, she may have been given a slanted view of the incident with the carer, but to take it at face value and add her insults about your marriage break-up might be showing her true colours! Also, some people just like to gossip and relish it. I would not be surprised if she disparages others in her circle. And a church-goer?

Time will tell should she becomes infirmed and confined to bed at home and sees that not many will come round and will have to rely only on paid carers.

Don't concern yourself with the key proof thing. What's to have stopped you from having copies made? Back out gently but firmly with satisfaction of a past kindness very well done. And I do mean VERY WELL DONE.

Stand back, life is too short to be doing good deeds for someone who is unappreciative. I think you need to let her know you overheard that phone conversation but she may well deny having said what she did. This post resonated with a situation I was in and it is very hurtful.

Only one bit of advice. Call it a day with your neighbour and tell her in no uncertain terms why. Then let her stew, she will need you long before you need her. Remember "if you do your best it will be for the best"

Just talk to her that her carer came round and that you had a good chat about the car situation
You could say that you came round the other day but heard her on the telephone so you let yourself out again but not before you heard her talking about you..then wait to see what she says... if you walk away at least you will have closure on what's been a close friendship

It sounds like she exaggerated to get extra sympathy from the person at the other end of the phone. At your expense. Its manipulative. Let it go. You sound absolutely lovely. You are the better person.

What sad and upsetting things to hear - you must have felt awful. If your neighbour is, as you say, sharp and unclouded by any mental state, then I would certainly sit down with her and tell her calmly what you heard, and then just wait for her to respond - don't mention being upset or anything else, but just see what she has to say. I cannot imagine that there is any explanation for this other than that she meant what she said but after all these years it is fair to give her a chance, and you have clearly been kind, and fair towards her. If I were in your shoes I would then tell her that I couldn't help any further, given how badly I was thought of, and return her key. I hope you get over this and feel better soon - this is not how things should end when you have been kind.

What do you get out of helping her so much? If it gives a shape to your day and you enjoy it then be careful about stopping it.

I have friends who work in care homes, they say that routinely old people tell their families that they don't get baths or good care etc.... and the care staff have offered baths and been refused.

It does seem to be a symptom of old age for some people, cantankerous behaviour (I've had it myself for years) and I know plenty of older friends who have suffered from it.

If you would not suffer any personal loss then I would withdraw now. She does have carers and is capable of using the phone to get help, she has family so she is not alone.

What she said about your husband was cruel, so she has the capacity to be ungrateful and unkind. Plenty of other people would welcome your help and bless you for it, as I do, bless you for all you have done for her. Time to protect yourself now.

Ask her out right. Then if it's true return key hold your head up and walk away not hide behind a note.

I'm afraid I'd cut all contact. Ungrateful and rude. Let her carers deal with her. I would have ditched her on account of her difficult views tbh.

I think it would be best to go and see her and tell her you overheard the comments and tell her how hurt you are. See what she says. I agree you should do less for her but give her a chance to explain/ apologise. I am sorry you have been so hurt when you have been so kind. Please let us know what you do. xx

I also meant to say Nelliemags that I'm very sorry that you have been so hurt by this old lady's remarks. I think you sound like a really nice person and I'm sure everyone on here agrees that you have gone well beyond what most people would do to help an elderly neighbour.

I do think this might be the result of becoming old and somewhat confused. I also tend to think that someone who reaches their 90's and beyond is perhaps better than others at looking out for themselves in terms of cultivating - and often taking advantage of - people who are particularly caring in character. I've also noticed that as some people get much older they become a lot less aware of the needs and feelings of others, and their feelings about people can fluctuate to accord with how useful those people are at any given time.

Having said all that, if it were me I would feel I had to say I'd overheard the remarks and felt very hurt about them.

Ana, she sometimes gets taken back to Wales or other holidays by family members and used to go with a local drop-in group on short holidays. These days she often ends up in hospital for a few days when she presses her care link thing.

Thanks for the nice things written. It has cheered me up considerably. I think I have got it in perspective now and will tell her the reason when she phones to ask me why I haven't been round for a shopping list! I think she will become suddenly very much deafer.

Sorry Rigby to resurrect bad memories. Funny how we bury these things and they jump back up and bite us.

Nellie I'm so sorry to read this. I had a broadly similar situation and the 'betrayal' happened after about 20 years. Luckily she didn't live next door but I just couldn't face her again or forgive her. My solution was to immediately break off all contact and put the hurt away in a box - your post brought back a great many feelings I never dealt with properly. Only you can decide what is right for you to do - I knew I had to act as I did - I now just feel sad about it but for me the betrayal was such that I knew I couldn't carry on. Your very regular contact with her and your very physical proximity makes your situation much harder than mine - I wish I had some advice for you but all I can say is do what you can live with and care for yourself. You sound lovely.

You've been a great neighbour Nelliemaggs. In your position I would have to let her know what I overheard, and how upset I was. Tell her what particularly upset you, too. She will possibly be embarrassed, as indeed she should be. I don't think you can suddenly stop doing everything, but I would return the key to her, and then just deal with far fewer issues, such as picking up some shopping when you are doing yours. Maybe the occasional lift in the car. But not too much else. She really ought to have a panic button, the type worn around the neck, as this can go through to a centre who who could then notify you if she'd had a fall, for example. I would be very hurt by what you describe and would certainly want her to know that. All the best.

That's very tactful, Devorgilla. Probably the nicest way to go about it. My mum used 'oakhouse' foods, who also deliver groceries, so maybe that could be suggested.

She asks you to turn lights on and off when she's away? Where does she go?

It's a tough one. Are you the neighbour closest to her in distance or are there others who look out for her too? If you are the one most likely to know if she was not following her usual routine, and that therefore something is amiss, I would be inclined to keep some contact but cut back. I think I would continue the shopping because you are going there anyway for yourself and at least you know she has something in to eat but perhaps cut back on cooking or accompanying her to appointments. Do what is best for you without putting her in danger. She has a carer who can call on extra help if needed. Do we still have 'Meals on Wheels'? If she questions why then tell her the truth and you feel you have been too 'in her face' for want of a better phrase and perhaps she would prefer to have her place to herself more. You have been a 'Good Samaritan' for a long time and that is to your credit but perhaps it is time to hand over the bulk to others.

Thank you for all your advice. Sadly it was as I stepped in that I heard my name, spoken in a disparaging way. I should have turned tail but didn't know what was coming. She doesn't know that I overheard her conversation. After the husband leaving remark I turned and left. There was no doubt that she was talking about me.

After I had spoken to her carer, who is a lovely lady who I wave to when I see her, I had made a point of talking it through with MrsM who appeared to be quite happy with the outcome. I hadn't reported the car because an hour later it was gone in good time for me to take my grandson to the childminder so that wasn't an issue.

I can't say I enjoy her company at all as she has odd views such as that a woman should be subservient to her husband and I know she disapproves of my daughter being a single mother. I suppose I feel sorry for her because her sons are of little help and she, like me, has a daughter in Australia.

I think I would have got over the general nastiness but the remark about my husband was just so wrong and so unkind and I can't get it out of my head.
I imagine she is wondering why I didn't come round for a shopping list but my grandson, and now my daughter, have a norovirus type bug and I couldn't go shopping for her on Friday as I usually would, and as I had intended to explain to her yesterday.

rosesarered that was really interesting and made me think hard. But she rings when her TV does odd things and when she's out of bread and asks me to turn lights on and off when she is away and she used to phone every weekend to arrange to come shopping with me so most of the impetus came from her.

Perhaps I'm just a sucker but my mother lived seventy miles away and I was always so grateful for the kindnesses shown to her by her neighbours who would alert me when I needed to go over in addition to my weekly visits. It just seemed to be the right thing to do.