Should I say anything?

Unfortunately this is life, sad though it is, and perhaps a bit more extreme. My son has been sleeping on the sofa for about five years although they go to some kengths to hide the fact when I stay. At one time early on he told me it was because he can't get to sleep without the tv on, but DIL will not admit it even happens. A couple of years ago they announced that they had decided not to have a second child - my grandson is 12 - which hardly surprised me in the circumstances! I get on OK with DIL, she makes an effort to me nice to me but it wears thin if I stay more than a couple of nights (they live too far away for a day visit), or if they come to me.
Regarding the grandchildren, I grew up being called daddy's girl because my younger sister was mum's baby, although she was not spoilt in the way that OP's GD is. But much as I loved my dad he was quite a remote presence and I longed to be closer to my mother, which only happened after we grew up and left home. At least the boy has a gran to spoil him, bless him.

And I wonder why she can't see that for herself.

He has always spent a lot of time with us.....sleepovers regularly. And loves it.His sister has never spent a night away from her mother though was always happy to have a day with us. My sadness is that the wee boy clearly feels he is less important to his mother.

Good idea.

Why not have the boy to stay with you a bit more often. I'm sure he'd enjoy having his grandparents read him stories.

I hate to think what she will be like as a teenager.

Ah nananina....a girl after my own heart. Your words mean so much , thank you. Most men want a quiet life. I do however fear for their relationship when she puts their child before him. To be sleeping apart in their thirties just seems so wrong......unless there are visits before sleeptime .Their son was never allowed out of his room during the night after 2 years of age but their daughter has them wrapped round her little finger.

I've been busy not rocking boats for almost 20 years!!! Very passive son - dominated by DIL - but then he allows it to happen, but this doesn't stop us feeling hurt for our son when DIL demands he does this that or the next thing. There are 2 children - boys aged 9 and 11 - son does everything for them - always has right from the word go..............BUT we say nothing and never will. I have I admit talked to my son about the dynamic but he says it's the only way it works (which says it all really) I reckon the greatest sacrifice you can make for your adult "child" is to not rock the boat between him and his wife.......................

Thanks Antonia

Sometimes it's just as hard being a grandparent and not saying anything to rock any boats.

You're right Antonia ....I would never say anything to rock the boat and just needed a sounding board to try to get my head round this. Just felt upset after looking after my grandson and he started talking about it at bath/bedtime. Will keep schtum as ever. I know his hard it is being a parent and am sure we all make mistakes.

It is upsetting for you, but I doubt whether you will be able to influence your DIL's behaviour. You say that she is 'dissatisfied' which implies that you don't really like her. If the feeling is mutual then she is even less likely to listen to advice, which may be seen as interference and could make for bad feeling between you. There are quite a few little things that I don't care for about how my DGC are being brought up, but there is nothing major, they are all very well cared for and loved, so I never say anything. You may need to accept that your son and DIL are adults and it is for them to decide on how they treat their children. It would be different if your GC were being neglected or abused, but this is family dynamics.

I am just concerned that they are ignoring their son's feelings as his sister makes more of a fuss and ends up always having things her way. We have watched another grandchild become very resentful of his sibling as he too felt he always came second and don't want this to happen again.

Dad does read stories but GS says he'd like mummy to do it sometimes but she never does.

Sorry for confusion. We have been sidelined from the start of their relationship as my DIL has always put her own family first. We are peace loving and have never said anything against her or complained about this. There have been many instances when we have been treated unfairly but have kept quiet as we don't want to upset our son.we realise his wife must come first.
My GD is well behaved at ours without her mother as she knows we don't let her away with rudeness. We love her and she loves us. Our Other children and their partners all have said they are shocked at the way she is allowed to behave so it's not just our opinion.

x posts thatbags

I'm not clear on where the 10 years tongue-biting comes in, as the elder child is only 7 and his sister 5...

You say your DS is married to 'a very dissatisfied girl', and I'm afraid your dislike of her is very obvious from your posts and probably is in RL. If you say anything against this couple's living arrangements (and even how they treat their children) you risk losing any sort of relationship with them at all.

Does dad read bedtime stories to the boy? If not, why not?

In short, you disapprove.

You've bitten your tongue over the last 10 years and yet the little boy is only 7?

Hmm. Seems it's not really about the children but about your dislike of your son's partner.

I should keep schtum if I were you.

In any case I'd be inclined to make extra time and extra fuss of her brother to balance things out

You seem to be contradicting yourself NannyMo and you've me (easy to do these days) ..Is she or isn't she well behaved at your house?

She loved being with us pre school when we were needed for daycare but now wouldn't probably want to come for fear of her brother getting his mothers attention. I am amazed that such a little child can be so manipulative and controlling.

I've bitten my tongue a hundred times over the last 10 years and would never want to cause trouble. It breaks my heart to hear a little boy say he misses mummy but that his sister always gets her attention. I fear he will grow to resent his sister when they are older. Also several family members have commented about her rude behaviour to me and I realise a nice child is becoming so spoiled she is not liked by people. She will grab a proffered gift and refuse to say thank you and then burst into tears when told she won't get it until she does. Mummy cuddles her and says she is "shy" ....which she is not when she is at ours btw. She is defiant and rude. Her mother is so needy she doesn't see what she s doing is making her daughter totally clingy because that's what gets whatever she wants , how and when she wants it.

Suggest that the little girl spends more time with you. That way she'll be learning new ways to behave but it gives the little boy more quality time with his parents.