Trying to understand mil and dil relationship

Our son was the first grandchild on both sides of the family. My MiL said, Don't ask me to babysit - I've done all that. So we respected her views, as you would, and if we had a night out we paid a babysitter. But later when DH's sister had her first baby my MiL looked after him full time so her daughter could go back to work.
She very rarely visited us despite being invited many times. DH would take our children to see her but I was never made to feel welcome. Never did find out why she never liked me. I've been married to her son for 50 years.

My MIL was an extraordinary woman - a first class honours degree in French from the Sorbonne - quite an achievement in those days - I would guess she was born around 1915. But she married a little Lancashire tyrant who kept her under the thumb and she took to the bottle at one point. She was always pleasant to me - we did not see her that much - but definitely not someone to leave your children with - her mind was on Latin or poetry and not on the children's safety! She really had no interest in the GC at all - no Christmas or birthday presents; except once when we happened to see them the day after my DD's 9th birthday and she said "Oh I got you a card - here you are - I did not write in it - I thought you would like to do that yourself"!!!! - it was in all its wrapping with the receipt still in the bag! Conversations with them were easier if you knew Latin, French, German and had some interest in poetry! Luckily I did languages at A-level and was able to hold my own round the dinner table!

My children are all daughters and we get on really well, and also with their partners. I hope I am not the MIL from hell - I seem to have a laugh with all the SILs anyway, and there is a tradition that I send one of them the rudest birthday cards that I can find!.

Might it be something to do with sons not making contact so much with their parents (which may be a generalisation) and the DIL is the easiest person to blame rather than your own son?

I wish you luck with this problem - but above all else do not let this come between you and your husband or undermine your confidence.

it was my Father in law I had a problem with ,he would walk out of the room when I entered it...and that was before we got married .He was just a diffiicult man to be around.I was delighted though that after we'd been married 3o years he told me his son couldn't have had a better wife...took a while but we got there ,he died that same year .Just give your MIL time ,and be kind ,she obviously feels she's lost her boy ,once shhe sees you're good for him she'll come round

It really is simply a case of if the cap fits.
I'm sure the majority of us are basically good people.
But the saying is fair.
Let's put it this way,I sure hope it is.

Late = last
Once again wishing GN allowed editing :/

Can't leave late nasty thought hanging. I prefer Michelle Obama's maxim, when they go low, we go higher.
To OP, best not to think of "a small victory" as it perpetuates the language of combat. Think of it as progress, for all of you. Well done!

Have you ever heard the saying "what goes around comes a round"?
So sorry,but I can't help believing it must apply to some people on here.
And to the nasty DILs take note,you may well be on the receiving end one day.

In all these posts there are lessons to be learnt for any of us who have sons. My son married a wonderful, lovely girl and both he and she are very happy. She is very different from me in lots of ways, in how she plans to raise her children, how she runs her house etc. But that is her absolute right. Whatever I privately think, I have no right to stick my two pennorth in - just as when I got married I would have hated interference from my MIL. Although part of me wistfully remembers my son as my baby, my little boy, mine, all mine, I realise I can't lay claim to him in this way now he is grown and has his own life. In fact when my son got married I gave him this advice : if you want a happy marriage respect what your wife has to say and always put her first. Mother in laws who expect to remain number one in their sons life are selfish beyond belief, having no regard for their daughter in law or their precious sons. I try my best to give my son and his wife space, and always keep my private feelings to myself. In return my son and his lovely wife have a very happy and relaxed relationship with me. And this is a lesson in life that daughter in laws who have sons will also have to learn in time.

Bit of an update

Had my daughters party last week and invited all his family over. She was fairly nice, I tried to remember a few bits to let her know we had thought of her like her favourite wine etc. It was his nans bday too so I got another cake for her and we all sang to her. She seemed to appreciate my effort. It was the first time I felt like she was welcoming towards me! She asked how work was etc, she never really cared!

So I class this as a small victory.

dilinneed, impressed how you manage what must be difficult at times ?

When DGD broke up with boyf and he and his friends put nasty posts on FB his mother joined in!! They were 16 year olds.

I've tried with all the experience that nearly 70 years brings but I can't make my dil like me. I've given up now and just try to accept it. The mil, dil relationship is a difficult one and this came home to me when my first child was born.

My mum was a difficult, critical, demanding woman and my mil was much nicer, but guess who I wanted around me when my babies were born - mum.

Dill weed, don't know what happened to that end bit, but hope you got the gist of it.

Dill need, I really think you are a great person. Your husband had lots of problems and you love him so much you have helped him deal with them and what's more made him happy. You both love each other and I would hate to think that you would let his mil cause you any more problems. You went to see her and have done all you can. You must see that the problems is her! If she thinks she will come between you, well she won't. She should be so glad he has found you. Just enjoy your family, you have tried and you are willing for him to continue to see his mother, if she carries on like she is, in time she will lose him. I adore my dil, but rarely see her, my son rings me regularly and when we do get together as a family she is warm and always says she has missed me. I had to accept a long time ago that her family would always come first, her own mother and sisters and are so close. She is a great wife and mother and my son would be lost without her and as a mother our children's happiness and well being is what matters. Good luck. ?
her and really that is what matters to me in the end.

And he doesn't tolerate it, she starts on me in private, at first he didn't stick up for me and it almost broke us up, he's great now

Notanan you have literally hit the nail on the head here.

my husband suffers with Tourette's syndrome which has massively affected his life. He's an inspiration to me they was he goes through life with it. My mil ignored it so so much as a child, if if it doesn't glitter she ignores. Before we got engaged, with my help we see a neurologist and got a diagnosis for his ticks, he hadn't seen a anyone from a kid, I also supported him through coucelling and therapy for the pain of growing up with Tourette's with zero support. It was a case of ignore it, it will go away. Well it hasn't and it won't so he needed help accepting this. We've got a long way to go but he's mental health is much better. It must've guilt and the fact I have probably acted like more like a mother that her in this (obviously I have never held this against her, I'm sure her own guilt is enough)

I think im the scale goat. I have helped him change his life,she realised she could have done better for her son.

Margaret is so right. If it isn't working, give up now. I spent more than 30 years going out of my way to be dutiful and accommodating to my mil, but she never once said anything nice to me or to her grandchildren. I so regret the effort I wasted, and given my time again would call a halt far sooner.

Here's my armchair psychology:

A break-up can be a trigger for suicide.. but there must be underlying mental health problems there in order for someone to have such an extreme reaction to a break up.

Your MIL seems very keen to deflect your OHs mental health problems to women who are incomming into the family.. maybe she is desperate not to look closer to home and always have an outside source/scapegoat - which is what she's setting you up as incase there are any further mental health crisis

It all rings true. I've been through all that but in my case she lost her son. She's been dead now for some years so I have got it all behind me.

We were three friends and all had MIL stories and and one told us. She was due to arrive at her MIL's town for a visit and got on the train in a carriage near the end. As she got off the train her MIL told her off and said she should have been at the engine end of the train. That's where sensible people sit.
That was the point my friend gave up and this point is so important - if its not working then give up, you will never alter those hostile feelings. In my case I tried for too many years and it was a waste of time till in the end DD2 told me to stop trying to please her and I did.

Anyway my question- how on earth do I get her to see I'm not a threat?

You don't, you can't, but she isn't your problem, your OH is, where the hell is he when she's saying all this stuff about you? Would you let one of your relatives treat him the way he's letting her treat you?

Well done Dil. At least you have made the effort and can stand proud! As you say, the ball's in her court and let's hope she does the right thing by you, your children and her son. Her loss if she doesn't. She will be a very lonely, sad woman if not. [flowers[

So met up with her, was very awkward.

She told me that she doesn't hate me, she thinks I'm a nice person but she doesn't believe my intentions. My husband was engaged before he met me and his ex fiancé cheated on him for some time, my husband tried to kill himself (this I knew). She said that she just can't believe that I'm not going to hurt him. All I could do was to reassure her that I love him endlessly and there's no one else I could ever want. She said she'll probably never fully trust anyone with her sons heart.

After we had this chat it all became very false, like it was all sorted but there was tension. Wether it was because I called her out on her behaviour and treatment I don't know. She wants her son all to herself I think and I doubt I'll ever break past that.

Will be getting on with my life with or without her, balls in her court now

You are not going to change her if she is as bad as you say . My MIL was a witch - she never liked me or even her three grandsons - I was never going to be good enough for her only child!! She once told me before we were married that she didn't think he was the marrying kind!! Now that told me didn't it!!
She didn't like me or her grandchildren - just totally jealous of us all. She used to be horrible to me and the boys whenever we visited, saying nasty and sly things to us when my husband wasn't there - exactly the same as you.
Just get on with your lives - leave her be - you can't change her - don't let her break you up. Be strong - she will be the loser. I tried for years for my husbands sake but fi ally gave up , for my own sanity. She didn't want to see me or the boys but rang up to speak to her son for an hour every night at 9pm!! She ended up a lonely vindictive woman who only had herself to blame but I had my own loving and caring Mother to think about - so my husband went on his own to visit her. There was not one photo of me or our three sons / her grandsons in her house - just one of her, her husband and her son - very telling. Her carers thought my husband was a single man, as she never mentioned any of us. She didn't manage to break us up as she wanted. She is dead now and we have been married for nearly 43 years!! So sad when it could have been so different. My sons wives and partners hopefully will think differently about me - I offer to help babysit with my grandsons and will travel to them if necessary when needed but my experience with my MIL makes me conscious of not impinging on their lives too much.

Kindness doesn't work on everyone.

Sometimes the only thing to do is distance yourself from toxic in-laws for the sake of your own emotional health and for your relationship with your DH and children.

There are books available (Amazkn?) on how to deal with toxic in-laws, can't seem to do a link at the moment.