Trying to understand mil and dil relationship

My ex mil (wasn't married to her son but long term relationship) was amazing, I still talk to her now. Wish I could mix and match sometimes!

I think I just don't understand why she wants from me, she is so nasty behind dh back then denies it when I bring it up with him. She seems to want me to be submissive to her, I'm a very independent woman and live life the way we want and she sees me as like he other woman it's very strange.

She almost broke us up a few times, it's been hard! If he wants a relationship with her and the kids to see her I would never stand in the way, and he's getting pretty sick of her too it's a shame I think she'll loose him too if she carries on. For his attention she told him the doctor said she probably had cancer, was a water infection.

I have confronted her and asked her why she thought there was tensions between us, apparently there isn't and she's so glad I married her son. But he was in the room and she has told me in private that she cant believe he married someone like me?

6 years of stress, it's taught me a lot about what kind of mil I want to be one day, that's one positive, she's taught me a lot

I agree about "the mothers' of sons" comment. We aren't all the same and we don't all cling to our boys once they become men. Dillnneed you may think being together 6 years is a long time but I suspect your MIL is taking a long time to adjust. Stick in there. You have her DS and her DGCs you are holding all the cards. See her when family events make it necessary, smile and be polite, but don't be alone with her. She gets some sort of satisfaction from bating you, if you avoid personal discussions and don't give her time to start an argument things may improve.

Not sure that smiling sweetly and ignoring is always possible! I was bought up in a family of strong, independent career minded women. my great grandmother was one of the first women to be admitted to an Oxford college and her daughter (my maternal grandmother)was a chemist with ICI.my MIL disapproved of her and my own mother too! I wasn't prepared to be quiet while sexist comments were made by her which they frequently were! Her view was that the wife should stay at home with the children, undertake no paid work and that once married there was no point in wearing nice clothes etc! I wanted my own 3 daughters to be as independent and out spoken as I was (something I have definately achieved!) and I didn't want to be living in the 1950's as far as equality was concerned.

My MIL treated me like the daughter she never had, I got on with her and looked after her in our home when she was poorly. She died in her 50s and I still miss her.

Sympathies, I too had an awful MIL, and on reflection should have smiled sweetly and ignored her. I didn't always, so we had periods of being ignored.

However, as a mother of two boys and a MIL I do try to be supportive and keep my opinions to myself and we all get on well. But I do really dislike the attititude " what is it with mothers and sons......." We are not all the same, just as mothers of girls are not all the same!

A recent poster complained that she didn't want to go on holiday with her daughter, so the MIL was to be asked as second choice. Or was it second best?

My MIL was hideous she hated me from the very beginning. I was not what she wanted from a DIL, she disapproved of my clothes and that I wore makeup and she had a 1950's housewife view of what a wife should be! She hated that I insisted on completing my law degree and having a career and she didn't approve of the way I raised our 3 daughters! In the very beginning I tried hard to please her but soon found it was pointless I then just didn't make any effort to see her although I told her she was welcome to come and visit whenever she wanted (she never took me up on the offer!) she died 4 years ago and I hadn't seen her or spoken to her for 20 years! It was no loss. My husband still saw her and went to her home when the children were small he would sometimes take them but even that stopped in the end because the girls used to get upset over there due to her making disparaging comments to them about their "awful mummy!" My other half put his foot down and told her that if she couldn't refrain she wouldn't be able to see them. Unfortunately her spite over came any grand parental feelings and she missed out on seeing my children grow up! I believe she did a better job with my youngest brother-in law and his family he met his wife when my children were in their late teens and by the time he had his 3 I think she had learned her lesson!

What is it with mothers and sons, we don't seem to get so many of these problems with daughters. Can't really add anything to the advice given by NanaandGrampy, I was fortunate in having a reasonable relationship with two mothers in law. Not close though. Maybe we need to look at our relationships with sons before they marry to try and avoid these issues

That is a shame, but it's more common than you think. If you really want things to change, you could be the "bigger person" and go and see her on your own. Sometimes pride can stop people from trying to mend things, and they regret their behaviour, but given a chance they soften.

I doubt if your OH will be much help. Often sons/husbands hate to be involved and would rather just keep the peace as they see it.

Finally, you could just leave things as they are. My father used to take me to visit my paternal grandparents without my Mother. It never occured to me, as a child that there was anything wrong. I only realised as I grew up that they didn't get on.

I really feel for you. I've been married 40 years and I remember my relationship being identical with my MiL . Her ideal scenario would have been having her 'baby' back and her grandchild and for me to fall off a cliff !!!

I spent 20 years trying to be the daughter-in-law she wanted and nearly lost my own identity in the process.

I'm afraid in my experience this is one war you can't win. No matter how 'right' you are and no matter how poor her behaviour. She is your DHs mum and as such will be in your life.

I took your route and just didn't visit but we got to the place where she started to invite them all for Sunday lunch and I would be left at home time and time again.

I gave up at that point, sat down my DH and explained it was his Mum , he could go and see her any time but she wasn't going to play happy families with my family whilst I sat at home on my own.

In the end I just saw them as little as possible. DH visited at times when I was work so not taking away our time. Sometimes he took the girls, school holidays etc. I was polite on the times I did go- duty visits for birthdays etc but I gave up being her punching bag and if she had a dig -I returned the favour. I'm not naturally argumentative so it was hard but the quieter I had become the better target I made for her.

I'm afraid you will always be a threat because she is the worst type of MiL - a clingy one. So its unlikely your relationship will ever be the one you hoped for. Excluding yourself is giving her exactly what she wants ...so instead go , be polite, keep the visits short and sweet and get right on her nerves {smile].

Good luck !!